Once I Was a King...

[Tendervoid]

     Six years ago she gazed at me with starry eyes, said all the things I had been waiting for a girl to say, acted so amazing that I thought God had created S just for me! I truly lived the first 4 years thinking I had won the relationship lottery. I lived in Montana and she lived in Pennsylvania. We Skyped every night for hours and it was good.

    Two years ago I moved to PA to be with her. I found a job and a nice apartment in the country. Within a month, she moved out from her parent's house and in with me. She would bring me Subway if I forgot my lunch at home. She would go out of her way to ask me if there were anything she could do for me. But I was so grateful for having such an Angel, I insisted on serving her instead.

 

    She graduated college, and then had our daughter. That is when it all began to change. She began to take one little nugget of affection away from me at a time. I noticed it in the car—she always put her hand on my leg while we were driving. This time she didn't. I asked her and she said nothing is wrong. She began staring out the window instead of small talk. Still, she said she just had a lot on her mind.

   

    Then came the mornings I would get into bed. I worked the overnight shift at my job and I would get home around 6 a.m. She would always turn over and say, "Hi sweety. Did you have a good night?" Well, that stopped. Then the sex stopped.

    She would come into the bedroom around 9 in the morning. She would be naked from her shower. I would wake up and see her putting her lotion on and I would say, "My God, you're beautiful... ." She wouldn't look at me. She just said, "Thanks" and left.

    The sex part is really strange. She totally cut me off saying that her hormone's were out of wack. I figured she knew what she was talking about so I left it alone. After a few months, her reason was that she had no sex drive. So once again, I told her it was okay, that I loved her very much and would wait and be available if she wanted to talk. About a month later, she took me in bed as if she were sex-obsessed. She was a wildcat, I had never seen this before. I assumed that she had broken through some trauma in her past and was discovering herself.

    That was the last night I had sex with her. She turned it AND any conversations about it completely off. For the remaining year I was with her, there was no physical contact except for hugs.

    She began to tell me things like I didn't really like her. I denied that. I told her I adored her, and stopped short of telling her that I practically worshiped her. Then she would ask me at random times, "Why do you love me?" I used those times to be as honest as I could. I loved her because she owned me.

    She discovered out how to dangle a carrot in front of me. If she wanted something, she would dance up to me and link her arm under mine. Especially if we were going to the mall. I felt like the KING of the UNIVERSE! I had my baby back, and LOOK—SHE'S TOUCHING ME ALL BY HERSELF WITHOUT ME HAVING TO ASK! I swear, THOSE are my best memories.

    She would be loving and sweet until about 10 minutes AFTER we would leave the store, church, wherever. Then she would withdraw, staring out the window, and keeping her hands to herself. I felt crushed each and every time this cycle happened.

    I began to look for things to excite her. I began to plan events that had, in the past, brough t her joy and closeness with me. So I arranged for a day at the zoo. It worked! What a BEAUTIFUL day we had, S, my daughter, and me. I held S's hand most of the day. God, I was so HIGH... .

    That high lasted a few days. Then she was withdrawing again, worse this time. We talked. She told me that she doesn't trust me. I was caught off guard. Trust ME? I have always been open and honest with her, and SHE is the one who had texted a guy in our town a few months earlier, asking HIM if he wanted to come over to the house as I was at work... .I don't want to trash talk her here, so I will only say she has cheated once for sure, and the text to that guy might have been the second time, I don't know.

    She told me I needed therapy. She said she has trust issues with me. She said I would say one thing and then flip it the next minute and that I was not consistent. BUT—I realized that EVERYTHING she was saying about ME was actually HER! Was this for reals? Where is my sweet girl? What is happening here? So, like usual, I jumped at the chance to please her and I agreed to counseling. She seemed pleased.

    Fast forward; We went to three sessions and immediately it was ME in the hot seat. She told the counselor (Christian counselor, non-licensed), that SHE was afraid of me. That I was acting clingy, unstable and that she didn't know what to do for me. I sat there in the session listening to how screwed up I am. I had no idea she felt all that about me. She painted me as a psychopath and herself as the educated, innocent, hard-working new mommy barely hanging on.

    After the third session, she and I went to Subway for a bite. She was telling me how much progress I had made and that she was really proud of me. She let me see my 18-month-old daughter too. (We have been separated for a month at this point).

    For the next three days, she didn't answer her phone or texts. Then on the fourth, she texted me and told me it was over. She wants me to move out of PA and back to Montana and never be in her or my daughter's life ever again. She told me she is better off now. There was NO conversation. It was a text she sent me and she wouldn't answer back. Even to this day.

    I am back in Montana now as I couldn't afford to stay in PA on my salary alone. I have a Child Support hearing on 5 days which I'll do via phone. She hasn't spoken to me in any fashion in over a month. She won't send photos of my daughter and she has blocked me off FB. We have one mutual friend who is grabbing the videos and photos from her FB and sending them to me so I can see my daughter. And yesterday, her FB showed her with a new haircut and she looked so beautiful and I know that if she said jump, I would. Just to hear one more word, or just a gentleness from her... .

    I know I am messed up from this girl. I know it is unhealthy, codependent, whatever. I KNOW, okay? But she owns me somehow. I can't eat hardly and sleep is torture. My dreams take place with her and I in a park, just talking. I sense hope. Then I wake up to this empty trailer parked next to a church and I cry. Suicide is an option. The method and materials are here. I did a trial run to see if I could actually let all my weight down gently without too much pain on my neck. I can. But there is a fight inside me still. Will she take me back? Will she try to suck me back in to finish me off? Even the pain of being emotionally slaughtered by her sounds delicious right now. Just a nice word... .

    I lost the love of my life. I lost my daughter. I lost my job, my town, my apartment, my credit, and now I am here, starting over. And I hear her voice telling me, "Baby, I love you so much... .Please tell me you will never leave me... ."

[Little oak]

Oh man reading your story is hard. I'm new here myself and in many ways I can relate to what your saying,others who are more experienced will pop by and be able to offer their support. You know I also felt as low as you,suicide. I bought everything I needed and I still have it,it's an option but just sit with those thoughts and don't act right now... .it's not the only option. Life feels empty,you wake up and there's no one and nothing just the memories left. It's hard and painful,but don't act on those impulses yet. I'm a year out and a far way off being healed but each day is a small step my friend,a marathon not a sprint and there are people here who can offer advice and support even if it's to get things off your chest,realise your not alone here

[tribalmart]

Hi,

I'm soo sorry for what you are going trough. You have lost many things in this terrible story but please don't give up! I know there's alot of memories that make you suffer but it's time to look forward. I know it's easy to say but not easy to apply.

Do you have any support from friends and/or family? It's very important to break isolation and writing on this forum is a very good start! You will find many people living similar issues and very good article to deal with tre break-up. The Healing process is long and you have to take it one day at the time... .even tiny progress are important!

I'm going trough the Healing process too and believe me there's hope! We all share similar stories... .your ex's behaviour is unacceptable and I think there's a serious problem... .it's my opinion even if I'm not here to diagnose. For the moment try to concentrate on you, it's important not to repress emotions and feelings... .let them flow... .if u want to cry... .cry... .I you feel rage, anger... .go to the gym, hit a punching bag... .Like I said break isolation, do not stay alone when you feel sad but be aware of overthinking! Do not try to find a logical pattern in her behaviour, you do not share the same logic with your ex, she's probably ill. Try to improve your mental health just a bit, you are walking in the dark and you must find your way. You'll see by getting better things are gonna be clearer. Keep us posted and take good care of you!

[Squander]

I'm sorry that happened to you and can't imagine the pain you are going through, especially with your daughter in the middle of this. Be strong for her and know there are people out there rooting for you. You can get through this. One day at a time my friend.

[Turkish]

Hello Tendervoid,

It's hard enough to deal with being painted black and rejected by her like that, not understanding why. To be separated from your daughter must be devastating. I'm also concerned about what's going on right now where you are. Do you have any family or friends there to reach out for support? Isolating ourselves when feeling do devastated may feel like the thing to do, but our thoughts can torture us when alone.

Though distance and perhaps financial resources complicate this, what is the deal with custody? Has there been anything filed in court? If not, then despite she keeping your daughter, you as parents have equal legal rights. I know this seems tough given the distance especially (and the false accusations against you are, sadly, typical). We have had members here who have come back from stories like this, and gotten access to their children that the BPD parent has taken away, or tried to. Do you want to explore the legal options here? We have a legal board where you can, with many experienced members who can help:

Family, Law, Divorce, and Custody

You don't deserve to be alone and isolated, and you don't deserve to have your Fatherhood stripped away from you, nor does your daughter her Daddy.

The members here on Leaving can help make sense of the relationship. I encourage you to explore your options on the Legal board. Make a post there about the background and the upcoming CS call. Explore the options, because there are some available to you. I hope to see you over there... .

Turkish

[Bigmd]

Tendervoid, sorry man this sucks. Especially when you add a child into the equation. Your last line really resonates with me. This is something my exgf would say often. Especially after a long bout of silent treatment when we were having sex. Anyway keep your head up and keep coming here. It helps.

[OutOfEgypt]

Six years ago she gazed at me with starry eyes, said all the things I had been waiting for a girl to say, acted so amazing that I thought God had created S just for me! I truly lived the first 4 years thinking I had won the relationship lottery. I lived in Montana and she lived in Pennsylvania. We Skyped every night for hours and it was good.

This sounds exactly like how my story began with my uBPD ex-wife.  I was her knight in shining armor.  I was everything she ever wanted.  She had written a long letter to God, asking for a man with certain qualities, and I was every one of those things.  I had never known someone who seemed so right for me.  But if I am honest with myself, I felt she was right for me because she believed I was so right for her.  She made me feel like a worthwhile, desired person, like "King", as you put it, and that's really all it took.  I had no clue about what I was looking for in a relationship or in a partner.  None.  So along comes a person who tells me I'm God's gift to her, and then wraps in all of this passion and sexual attention (which I knew was wrong, even as a new Christian), and it's a recipe for years of torment and hell.

Really, so much of your story sounds familiar... .mine is just stretched out over the last 17 years, with repeated breakups and getting back together, infidelity, blaming, etc.

But she owns me somehow.

Yup, they sure do.  They own you by controlling your "self-esteem", or whatever you want to call it.  They own you by building you up, by dangling that carrot, and then making you pay for ever falling short of their idealized image of you... .  and not because you actually do but because they can't handle it.  They need to blame you for their need to sabotage anything good in their life.  But they have you so wrapped up in being their dream guy, and retuning back to Eden, that you don't see how's it was all a very, very sad trap from the very beginning.

Will she take me back? Will she try to suck me back in to finish me off? Even the pain of being emotionally slaughtered by her sounds delicious right now. Just a nice word... .

She has you begging for crumbs from the table.  It's sad.  I've been there.  And yes, she might take you back, and yes, it would be to finish you off, or at least do the same thing to you all over again.  And again.  And again.

What you need to do is allow yourself to feel the immense grief of this situation.  She has you obsessed with her, but that will fade as you allow yourself to process your feelings.  I know you are "messed up" as you put it, and that is yours to own and work through, but don't for a minute believe that you are totally at fault for being obsessed with her.  Only you can break free, only you can grow past it, but she very much wants you there, under her thumb, controlled, like a puppy dog waiting for the next little treat she will break off and throw you, waiting at the back door to be let in.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this, especially with your daughter.  That is awful.  I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I lost my kids like that.  Please keep the faith.  And do whatever you can to gain access to your daughter.  Your daughter is the one who needs you the most right now, not her.  You may not be able to, and that is in God's hands, but if you can... .do what you can to put your relationship with her mother to the side and focus on her.  It will help ground you, as well.  I know that it is hard to feel this way right now, but losing this woman is not the worst thing that could ever happen to you.  Staying with her is, in my experience.  Just imagine what you are feeling right now, and stretch it out over a dozen years.  Up and down, over and over.  That would be your life, until there was nothing left of you.  You will get through this.  You will.  Hang in there, brother.

[gameover]

@Tendervoid

Man, such a powerful story--so much there that I can relate to and articulated beautifully.  You have a tremendous amount of insight and introspection; you're actually way ahead of the curve (all the mental tools that will effect your recovery are demonstrated here, once you redirect them to that purpose).

Read your story again.  But replace any reference to your ex with 'heroin' and read this as an addiction story.  Fits the template almost perfectly.  You need to treat this as a fight--and you'll have to fight like hell.  But, like an addict, this is about reclaiming your reality.  The more you can depersonalize this, the better off you'll be (you're still idealizing and humanizing your drug of choice--not that your ex isn't human, but the more you read around here the more you'll realize that you're dealing with a very impersonal pattern of behavior and its psychological effects).  

Some immediate suggestions:

1.)  On a chemical level, you're going through dopamine withdrawal--your ex became your source and it's necessary to get your body back to baseline.  I recommend supplementing N-acetyl Tyrosine (60 day supply goes for about $10 on Amazon)--it's the amino acid that's a precursor for dopamine production.

2.)  Get in the gym.  Again, you absolutely have to take care of your body so that your mind isn't operating at a chemical deficit.  Combined with N-acetyl Tyrosine, this will work wonders really quickly.  

3.)  If you can't afford therapy, you might try AA or Al-Anon.  Again, you're an addict and a codependent and the same core wounds that drive people to alcohol, narcotics, or whatever else play an important dynamic in enmeshment with a pwBPD.  

4.)  Meditate.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJb55LBKPpM  This guided meditation was the one I found most effective, but it's tremendously helpful in reclaiming your mind, your ego, and resolving the cognitive dissonance that results from prolonged exposure to the distorted reality of a pwBPD.  I was extremely skeptical, but as I was going through my own breakup I was willing to try absolutely anything--and meditation was an essential part of my recovery.

5.)  Read.  There's tons of material out here that will help you understand what you've been through.  There are tons of people who have been where you are and there's a tremendous amount of empathy on sites like this and others.  The more you read, the more lenses you'll have from which to understand your relationship.

I know right now that you're feeling worse than you ever have in your life--but I promise you it gets better on the other side and if you make it through this fight you'll come out a better, stronger man than you were before.  A pwBPD doesn't break you; they show you where you were already broken.  Hurts like hell--but now that your wounds have been identified you have the opportunity to fix them.

We're all here for you.