Having trouble understanding if it is BPD or Sociopath

[Itstopsnow]

Please anyone tell me what you think: He was so sweet charming in the beginning and came on super strong and very clingy and needy. Didn't come across cocky but sometimes I could tell his ego was big. He definitely has an ego and thinks he is smart and good looking but there is also an very insecure side of him. He never could make decisions on his own. He was overly dependent on his mother and me most of the relationship. Acted very religious and would say the rosary daily with me. But he had rages and a bad temper. Lots of circular arguments. Would get in my face and scream at  me. His personality would change throughtout the day and sometimes throughout the hour. He had no manias or real bouts of depression. He was very impulsive with spending money he really didn't have. And he gambled a lot. and we traveled a lot. When I would try to break up with him because of his horrible name calling he would cry hysterically and beg me to stay.  But then when I found out about all the girls he had behind my back and saw he had a double 6 month relationship and that he had no remorse and didn't even try to apologize at all. All the places he took her were our places and all the lies he told it seems like he had no conscience. The day he spit in my face he had her sleep over that whole weekend. He was with me and called me everyday. I never would of thought he'd be cheating so much and lie without batting an eye. He stole my check book but didn't use any checks , I canceled the account. So Please can someone give me an opinion to whether they think he is a true sociopath with no conscience and was a predator out to get me or a BPD with severe abandonment issues. I know he is messed up. I want to know because I want to know if I was just a means to an end,. A supply and he felt no emotional attachment. or if he did care best to his abilities. We laughed so much and spent everyday together ( but he still was cheating ) SO I'm confused how someone could proclaim to love you have no guilt to do any of this, He did it while he was a priest as well. I found out a lot of information on him. Now he is chasing after the other girl that he dated 6 months and I'm the devil and bad one. And he likely has other girls too. I'm just so crushed. I'm going to try EMDR therapy. Please I need opinions here.  Thanks

[cloudten]

I know you are hurting and looking for answers- I have been there myself and I know it is maddening.

Take a deep breath.

I cannot diagnose someone. I can only relate to you with my experience.

In the end though, if you aren't together and won't be together- does it matter what his official diagnosis would be? He is obviously a very very mentally ill person... .sociopath, BPD, bipolar, NPD, psychopath... .does it matter which one in order for you to recover? No.

My BPDxbf was finally diagnosed with BPD. He also has qualities of being a sociopath and a psychopath. He has self-diagnosed himself as a sociopath. I have also wondered if he is schizophrenic and has multiple personality disorder. But in the end, Itstopsnow, it doesn't matter what he has. What matters is that I am out, that I am safe, that my daughter is safe, and he can go be crazy in someone else's life.

I can tell you where yours and mine were similar:

clingy, needy, sweet, charming.

egotistical

narcissistic

lies

cheating

he would scream an inch from my face at the top of his lungs

mine was not religious at all and actually raged at me for being Christian. he doesn't remember this

rages every 3 or so weeks

circular arguments

his personality would change constantly. I never knew what i was going to get

not good at managing money

self-destructive

drugs

alcohol

burned himself

threatened suicide

he would never apologize

In the end- does it really matter if he was a sociopath or BPD- and in the end- it is highly likely he was BOTH and MORE.

You probably need to come to terms with the fact that you will never ever know the answers to your questions.

I know you are crushed... .i have SO been where you are.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

[cloudten]

Sweetheart--- you have been emotionally abused. there is no short way around it. You have been very emotionally abused and taken advantage of.

Please go No Contact (NC) right away. I know it hurts... .trust me I know. I hurt every day to the depths of my soul. Every cell in my body misses him. Even though I am out of the FOG, the pain remains... .the pain will probably always remain... .hopefully in lesser and lesser amounts over time.

You need to get on a strict regimen of self-care. Take care of yourself. Turn the focus on you. you you you you you. After everything you did for him, you forgot yourself. You need to protect yourself viciously- physically, mentally, emotionally. Protect yourself. Block him and all of his friends on social media. Just block block block. Ignore his calls and texts... .block him if necessary.

You must learn to believe his actions... .not his words.

You have to learn to want better for yourself. A better man is out there eventually... .but you won't find him until you let this one go and recover.

So many hugs... .i know how desperate you feel.

[musherx]

What helped me is I stopped looking at my exgf pwBPD as person with an illness and instead began looking at her as an illness with a person as a puppet. I could then separate all my emotional entanglements and see the pathologies. For me, she operated like a sociopath.

Here's an article by Donna Anderson about how she thinks BPDs move into sociopathic states.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I agree with all of you.  Itstopsnow, I would also love to know what my ex REALLY is... .BPD, sociopath, psyhcopath, etc.  I feel like knowing that would help me better anticipate what behaviors might show up in the future (he's been stalking/harrassing me for almost a year so I worry what the future will bring).  Maybe not but it feels like it would be very helpful information both as I look forward and backward.  

That said, I agree with Cloudten that it is also true his diagnosis doesn't really matter and that I am just glad to be OUT.  Thank God, I am out.  Thank God, he didn't get more IN with my kids, family, work, etc.  

Lastly, I am so glad to read the article you posted, musherx.  Thank you for sharing because the description feels more like what I was up against.  

Here's an article by Donna Anderson about how she thinks BPDs move into sociopathic states.

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you all for taking the time out to answer me. It's nice to see people in my life actually do care for me and my feelings matter. He took so much emotionally and financially I feel so overwhelmed . I loved him with all my heart and to know he was not only verbally abusing me but cheating all the time. It crushes my soul. I'm going to start EMDR therapy. I heard it works wonders for people coming out of these toxic relationships and helps with PSTD. I guess why I wanted to know, is because I would like to hope he will at some point feel guilt or shame , even though he will likely always blame me. I guess thinking he's more of a person with BPD, then a true soulless sociopath gives me a little more peace. That I wasn't just a game to him. In my heart I think he was more BPD just because of his behaviors or tendencies. But at the end he definitely was displaying no conscience. I guess the more you cheat the more you dullen your conscience if you have one at all. Thanks again everyone! It helps. And I do need to just let him go, and not take up space in my head. Because I know he's probably dating many others right now and not thinking about me at all. I'm free of his craziness and his over denpendence on me. All good positive things. God spared me! I have no STD's, he didn't get my money, we have no kids, no property or anything together that would bind us. I'm free physically . Now it's just the emotional part that needs to let go

[cloudten]

Letting go will take some time... .and then some more time. And lots of looking inward to see why you were okay with the relationship. You will learn how to recognize red flags, enforce your boundaries with others, and put yourself first. It can be a long, overwhelming road. But be persistant. Remember how you feel right now... .and internalize it- realize that you never ever ever want to feel this way again. Then learn how to protect yourself so it doesn't happen in the future.

I don't think I really started to progress in my healing until I following someone else's advice on here... .i forced myself to become an addict of self-improvement. I am addicted to improving myself. The more time I spend on myself- the stronger I become.

See, your life has a void right now... .where he was and what he fulfilled in you, and how you spent your time. You have a void. You need to find healthy ways to fill the void. Find healthy ways to fill the time he once occupied. Another guy isn't going fill it. In time, you can date again.

If you take the time now to address the broken-ness within you, and to figure out why you stayed in an abusive relationship, you will never have to address these issues again. You sound young. I wish I had taken this time to address my issues, confront my past, and become a healthier person 14 years ago. It would have made a huge difference in the choices I made.

 

You will be OKAY! I promise! Lean into your emotions right now. Cry if you want to cry. Be angry- and recognize it for what it is. Be happy when you want to be happy.  Don't stuff your emotions down deep... .just let them be what they will be... .everything you are going through is completely normal- and we have all been thru it to a degree.

[zundertowz]

I'm no doctor but he sounds like a BPD with strong Narc traits, these ones tend to lack empathy and are more self serving.  None of this they feel too much and have so much shame nonsense you hear so much about.