Falling apart over being suddenly discarded

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is my 2nd post.  I am so devastated.  I thought I was going to be spending the rest of my life with my man, and he has totally iced me.  He tells me he's nauseated by the thought of seeing me or talking to me.  A couple weeks ago he was professing his undying devotion to me.  We had been talking marriage for months, after a year of dating.  Now he's suddenly flirting with someone on Facebook... .obviously knowing I would see that.  I've been so calm and loving and he is just killing me with the way he is ignoring me and icing me out.  This man insisted that our relationship was sacred.  We did rituals together.  We connected in every possible way.  He always was giving and caring and gentle with me.  I trusted him completely.  I gave him everything.  Now he's just done a 180 and is completely gone, having fun with someone new and acting like I'm some huge problem.  I've been completely devalued and discarded.  It's the cruelest thing I can imagine.  Every waking moment this betrayal is on my mind.  How in the world do you get past something like this?

[ckp]

This is my 2nd post.  I am so devastated.  I thought I was going to be spending the rest of my life with my man, and he has totally iced me.  He tells me he's nauseated by the thought of seeing me or talking to me.  A couple weeks ago he was professing his undying devotion to me.  We had been talking marriage for months, after a year of dating.  Now he's suddenly flirting with someone on Facebook... .obviously knowing I would see that.  I've been so calm and loving and he is just killing me with the way he is ignoring me and icing me out.  This man insisted that our relationship was sacred.  We did rituals together.  We connected in every possible way.  He always was giving and caring and gentle with me.  I trusted him completely.  I gave him everything.  Now he's just done a 180 and is completely gone, having fun with someone new and acting like I'm some huge problem.  I've been completely devalued and discarded.  It's the cruelest thing I can imagine.  Every waking moment this betrayal is on my mind.  How in the world do you get past something like this?

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[ChangingOfTides]

The hardest part in all of this is that you try and wrap your mind about this sudden shift, and try to run it from any logical angle, question yourself, and in the end are left with no answers yet totally in pain.

The answers a BPD may give you may hold some truth in them, but they mix it up with their own projections and black and white thinking, so you either are painted all good or all bad. They cant help it.

And the trouble is we come to believe it because we ourselves as non-BPDs are ussually unstable in a way. We were looking for a person that would lift us up so high, or a person that we could save, protect or sooth, not knowing yet that in the end they also would be able to cast us into the ground as deep as well... .

Its indeed devastating, devaluing and it can rip your core apart.

How do you get past this? By putting the focus back on yourself, by allowing the pain and grief to do its work and move into final acceptance, not only of his behaviour,

but also accept that we may have been looking for something that was in the end too good to be true... .Thats so hard, cause in the end we wanted to believe that so hard... .

[ckp]

Yes his thinking is definitely tangled up with projections.  He's complaining about things that he is actually doing himself. 

Prior to meeting him, I wasn't even looking for a relationship.  He came into my life and swept me off my feet.  I was slow to warm up to it though, I always had the brakes on and encouraged us to take it slow.  A year in, I was feeling more ready to move forward, but felt a little awkward the last time I saw him because our relationship became long distance and I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks.  But he took that as rejection, and then rejected me.  A couple weeks ago he was shopping for an engagement ring, and now he won't even speak to me.  And I did NOTHING to deserve this. 

Yes I am totally traumatized right now.  I'm really struggling to get grounded.  The pain and grief is overwhelming.  I am crying in between seeing all my clients, and in the car, and in my bed, and in the shower.  It's the hardest thing I've ever had to live through.  Harder than even the deaths of some of my loved ones.  I keep wanting to reach out to him, to assure him of my love, but I feel like that would be irritating to him now, which is just mind boggling in itself!

[ChangingOfTides]

The paradox is that in my relationship, my BPD wife had been the one for 5 years, who wanted more out of the telationship, while i kept a more healthy balance in my life, she kept me on a high pedestal. The moment that i shifted focus more equally towards the relationship myself, the devaluing began... .

We are still together, but in no way i recognize her, lots of things have happened, even a suicide attempt, its a hard life here too, i wish i could cry like you do, but i try to bite through the pain for now.

Could it be that the death of some of your loved ones echos through on this? Could it be that he was able to fill the pain those losses caused? I learned in therapy that in my case i have losses and abandonment issues that make all this twice as hard... .

[an0ught]

Hi cpk,

Prior to meeting him, I wasn't even looking for a relationship.  He came into my life and swept me off my feet.  I was slow to warm up to it though, I always had the brakes on and encouraged us to take it slow.  A year in, I was feeling more ready to move forward, but felt a little awkward the last time I saw him because our relationship became long distance and I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks.  But he took that as rejection, and then rejected me.  A couple weeks ago he was shopping for an engagement ring, and now he won't even speak to me.  And I did NOTHING to deserve this. 

Yes I am totally traumatized right now.  I'm really struggling to get grounded.  The pain and grief is overwhelming.  I am crying in between seeing all my clients, and in the car, and in my bed, and in the shower.  It's the hardest thing I've ever had to live through.  Harder than even the deaths of some of my loved ones.  I keep wanting to reach out to him, to assure him of my love, but I feel like that would be irritating to him now, which is just mind boggling in itself!

dealing with such an extreme emotional chaos is not easy   As ChangingOfTides indicated: This is not rational behavior. Trying in your mind to understand or thinking how it could have been prevented is natural but painful and is not getting you anywhere. To move forward some radical acceptance is needed but that takes time and is not easy .

I would like to commend you on your discipline not reaching out to him  . You are following a plan or rule for yourself and that is healthy! Respect and boundaries are critical in a relationship with a pwBPD!

I was slow to warm up to it though, I always had the brakes on and encouraged us to take it slow.

If this relationship goes forward taking it slowly may be wise. Clearly he is behaving more unpredictable than you thought.

[ckp]

Thank you for your responses.  It means alot to not feel completely alone in this profoundly stressful experience.  Yes it's hard not to cycle in my own mind trying to make sense of this.  I've never been exposed to these kinds of emotional extremes, though I have had some narcissistic people in my life (my mom, and former boyfriends).  I've been doing deep healing process work around all of that, and I thought I was finally in a healthy relationship.  This has been a real shock to come across this kind of complete flip.  It's crazy, and crazy making.  Never mind how cruel and unloving it is!  I keep wanting to reach out with affection, knowing that he's suffering, but then I look at how he's treating me and I have to stop myself.  Now he wants to talk, but I have no idea when or why, and his text suggesting that we talk was still very cold and odd in it's tone.  I'm just floored by all of this.  I haven't fully even grasped/accepted what's happening enough to come into my power with choices.  I still feel so much love for this man.  He became my home, my family, core to my dreams, core to my life, core to my spiritual life.  How can all of that just vanish?  Where the hell did his love go?  Where is his heart?

[C.Stein]

I still feel so much love for this man.  He became my home, my family, core to my dreams, core to my life, core to my spiritual life.  How can all of that just vanish?  Where the hell did his love go?  Where is his heart?

I feel the same way about my ex.  I have the exact same questions but I know I will never get them answered.  I hope you get some answers that can provide you some comfort and peace of mind.

[JRT]

Thank you for your responses.  It means alot to not feel completely alone in this profoundly stressful experience.  Yes it's hard not to cycle in my own mind trying to make sense of this.  I've never been exposed to these kinds of emotional extremes, though I have had some narcissistic people in my life (my mom, and former boyfriends).  I've been doing deep healing process work around all of that, and I thought I was finally in a healthy relationship.  This has been a real shock to come across this kind of complete flip.  It's crazy, and crazy making.  Never mind how cruel and unloving it is!  I keep wanting to reach out with affection, knowing that he's suffering, but then I look at how he's treating me and I have to stop myself.  Now he wants to talk, but I have no idea when or why, and his text suggesting that we talk was still very cold and odd in it's tone.  I'm just floored by all of this.  I haven't fully even grasped/accepted what's happening enough to come into my power with choices.  I still feel so much love for this man.  He became my home, my family, core to my dreams, core to my life, core to my spiritual life.  How can all of that just vanish?  Where the hell did his love go?  Where is his heart?

I am really so very sorry that you are going thorugh this CKP. Your posts on this thread really resonated with me as I have a not dissimilar story. My 2 year relationship and engagement ended as suddenly and abruptly as it sounds like yours had. There were no arguments or disagreements, just poof - gone. I was then blocked from contact and social media.

Many of us here share the same fate and experience. I am not sure if that provides comfort to you at all though when I found this site and began to learn about BPD it helped to reinforce that not only was it not me, but there was really nothing that I could have done to prevent the discard and cut off from happening. This was something that was in the cards before I even met her.

I also struggled in trying to understand where the love went and questioned if the last 2 years of my life and time with her was real at all. I have not spoken to her as she has me blocked for better than a year and I doubt that I will ever hear from her again (this from a person who ordered our wedding rings a week prior to the breakup!). But it might help for you to consider this that I have learned about her and the disorder and likely yours: he loved you more than anything and you meant the world to him. The thought of losing you or being abandoned by you was unthinkable and painful just to consider. Yet, because of the poor self worth and esteem that is part of the disorder, they are convinced that you will eventually find out the 'truth' about them and reject them. Rather than deal with that pain, like an arm that needs to be amputated, they do it first. If you are like many who have been treated with nothing but kindness, a BPD will see this a a form of cruelty and something that you were doing to bait them all along. In this wake is extreme anger towards you which makes it all the more confusing and hurtful.

She was also at my core like you explain about yours... .I can relate to how this has the effect of a transformative life experience; EVERYTHING has changed since this has happened.

The good news is that time and distance do heal. You will move on and think of him less and your life will return to normal. keep reading... .keep posting... .keep occupied. Hang in there!