When the times were good, they were great.

[ICantFixHer]

Hi everyone, I am glad to have found this group.

I have been with my girlfriend for 10 years, we lived together, no kids, just cats and chickens. Most of the time it's been a good life.

However, over the years she has had issues with alcohol where she will make a bad decision and when I call her on her decision, rather than answer me she will pummel me with verbal abuse, insults, belittlement, and threats ("I'm going to sleep with someone else".

When she is drinking, she doesn't treat other people bad, just me. So I know it's not just the alcohol.

The net effect is my concerns are never addressed because she puts up all these layers I have to dig thru -- like, who is she planning on sleeping with? -- rather than having her provide me an answer, as I do for her.

After 10 years of this, I moved out a couple of months ago; I am just so sick and tired of hearing what a loser I am. I have all my bases covered, I work (17 years w/same company), have a car, savings, always afford a nice home to rent, and am courteous of her and other's feelings.

I have asked her what I need to change and she says, "Nothing."

My gut feeling is I should probably never see this woman again but, man, when the times were good, they were great. She is responsible and runs a great home, has a great job, is motivated, all the things I would want in a partner.

All except for her horrifying treatment of me, and me wondering, "why am I taking this?"

Things have gone terribly wrong on 2 occasions where she physically attacked me and I had her arrested. There was basis for a 3rd time when she snatched my cell phone out of my hands and broke it, so I couldn't call the cops on her that time.

I wonder, what is the name of her disorder, what makes her act this way towards me?

And I wonder more: WHY DID I ACCEPT THIS TREATMENT SO LONG?

I can let her go because luckily I don't have to feel responsible for her since she is pretty together in daily life. So I am gone. We have a rough plan to take a year apart and both get help. I feel much better with my own place again because now there is no one telling me to leave every few weeks. I don't have to walk on eggshells any more.

I think I am getting a lot stronger in dealing with her pleas to reunite; I told her, after every fight, that every time she did this to me, it killed off a piece of me that cared about her until, now, I really don't care anymore. She has become a burden rather than an asset.

She keeps baiting me with the idea that she will get help and we will have a great life together, but after the arrests and subsequent therapy and domestic violence courses, she hasn't learned a single thing.

Anyway, I hope to learn some things here, and I am starting therapy in January, I need a couple of months of peace and quiet.

Thanks for letting me sign up, any and all advice is appreciated and considered.

[hopealways]

Welcome to the world of the Borderline.

Ten years passed in a flash didn't it? Best you left now than waiting even longer.  You certainly made the right decision by leaving. But BPDs are recyclers so the biggest struggle for you will be whether you will be able to maintain no contact despite her calls, texts, pleas of wanting to get better etc.

The more you learn about this disorder, the stronger your resolve will be.

I had NO IDEA about BPD until I saw the movie Casino and Sharon Stone's crazy behavior gave me chills because my girlfriend was acting the same.  I researched her character and that's when I learned of BPD.

Keep reading, keep learning.  And most importantly, learn what caused you to stay so long. Then heal.

[ICantFixHer]

Thank you!

I am still not 100% convinced she is Borderline, although she definitely possesses many of the traits.

Sadly, I had a bona fide BPD person marry the guitarist in my old band -- she absolutely left a trail of carnage over the 9 months this woman was in our lives. She waged a huge Facebook smear campaign accusing me of bullying her. I quit the band, I wasn't fired. It was my choice. She went on and on about how I was disgruntled LOL. She is truly insane and I am so glad I severed THAT relationship after only 9 months. I could tell the BPD woman was absolutely hopeless.

Anyway, yes, I am out and I am safe. I am not going to let my ex get to me. This is hard but staying or reuniting would be harder. Too much damage.

How can I ever trust a woman who has told me multiple times she hates me and is going to sleep with someone else?

I'm not sure I can and I'm not sure I WANT to.

I am anxious to start therapy in January, but for now the peace and quiet is nice.

Thank you for your kindness and support.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Powell!  

I'm so glad you found us here. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story and struggles. I hear your desire to take care of yourself, and that is a very important step. There are a lot of great resources here, and you will find lots of help from the other members.

On the side you will also find helpful tips to start you on your journey. I'm glad that you are safe and away from the constant need to walk on eggshells. Stay in touch and keep us informed with how you are doing. I'm glad you plan to start into therapy. T has been very helpful to me with my uBPDm.

Wools  

[tenacity]

Hi Powell!   Welcome. You have found an amazing community to lean into while you are going through all the tremendous growth that is just beginning for you. As difficult as it might be at times and it will be... .the strides you make are going to excite and empower you until you get to a point where you realize just how far you have come and how a relationship like the one you described will never be even remotely acceptable to you again.

This forum helped me more than anything (including therapy   ) in the first few years that I was working through all of my relationship issues. I found a lot of comfort here and hope you will too. It sounds like you are in a much better place now. It is so encouraging reading how you are already feeling stronger. There is a whole new world waiting for you... .and new life to go along with it. Believe me, much better than trying to figure these difficult relationships out, which is so often like spinning your tires and literally getting nowhere. As soon as you start pulling away, the difference in your own energy is palpable. You feel lighter in EVERY sense.

You ask why you accepted this treatment for so long... .and I believe that is a huge step in finally moving into healing from it. The answer most of us have come up with is that at some point... .for a lot of us it was in our childhoods... .we learned that this behavior was acceptable, maybe even our "normal" for our family of origin. We might have only gotten scraps from our parent or parents... .and they might have been BPD or npd or BOTH   A lot of times these adult relationships we find ourselves in many years later, mirror in some way the relationships we had growing up. This is just one possibility and your situation may be completely different.

Try to just take your healing as it comes. There is no rush to figure it all out. Giving yourself a couple months or even longer is a fantastic idea. This is about YOU now. I remember feeling like I had to figure it all out yesterday... .but we don't and taking our time makes the things we learn stick better.

Wishing you well... .sounds like you are off to a great start!

[Heartbroken19]

First of all welcome.  I'm a newbie too!  Your story is so familiar and you will find that you are not alone.  I finally had to very recently leave a 9 yr relationship (5yrs married) from a husband who has been diagnosed with BPD (refusing to take his meds, etc long story).  It was a hard decision but one I struggled with but I had no other choice as his behaviour was draining the very life out of me.  I love him dearly and felt so much guilt, then someone recommended this site and it has been such a life saver.  I didn't realise that there were so in similar situations and you don't have to suffer in silence or alone as there is so much support and advice that can be found here which is so comforting and reassuring.  You've come to the right place. Wishing you the very best.

[ICantFixHer]

Thank you so very much for the kind responses, it means a lot to me please believe. 

I think I signed up here on Friday; that day my ex was messaging me about me "liking" a Facebook post of a mutual friend, and I responded defensively (which I know is wrong, wrong wrong).

It turned into an all day email fight -- I couldn't believe it. I spent the entire day typing, it was crazy.

This site clued me into the "no contact" concept so I told my ex late Friday night via email that I was going "NC" for the foreseeable future and to only contact me in an emergency, and to please respect my wishes.

Yesterday (Saturday) she started to panic because I wasn't responding, and this morning (Sunday) I wake up to an email from her saying she wants to re-home our cats and chickens, that she wants to keep this, I can have that, and when I come get my stuff she wants the police there, etc.

Our plan from the start was for me to move out, take 2 of the cats and enough things to make a home, then both of us get help separately over the next year and see where we are come fall 2016.

I am sticking with the plan because it seems more than reasonable to me but maybe it's just a way to NOT cut the cord completely? So "NC" is essential.

Thanks again, I am so grateful for the support, good people. Happy Sunday.