Common for them to leave after new people enter?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi All

I have posted a few times on here with a recent breakup with my uBPDexgf. Last night i broke NC to try and get some answers and basically got I dont love you anymore, I want different things etc.

A part of the conversation I asked her how long it had been that she felt like that, she said about a month. Then it hit me this morning, a month is about the same time that she started talking to a group of guys online and started to play games with them in the evening online.

At the time I did not think anything off it, now it is just too well timed. She meets these new guys then "realises" she does not love me anymore.

It is also worth mentioning, one of these guys is the one I caught him and her chatting on Skype, saying they love each other, and he understands her and they dont argue.

Do you think this is a coincidence or that its been triggered because of these new guys and this one guy? Do you think she will try and recycle in a few months once it "wears off".

[kyon147]

Hi All

I have posted a few times on here with a recent breakup with my uBPDexgf. Last night i broke NC to try and get some answers and basically got I dont love you anymore, I want different things etc.

A part of the conversation I asked her how long it had been that she felt like that, she said about a month. Then it hit me this morning, a month is about the same time that she started talking to a group of guys online and started to play games with them in the evening online.

At the time I did not think anything off it, now it is just too well timed. She meets these new guys then "realises" she does not love me anymore.

It is also worth mentioning, one of these guys is the one I caught him and her chatting on Skype, saying they love each other, and he understands her and they dont argue.

Do you think this is a coincidence or that its been triggered because of these new guys and this one guy? Do you think she will try and recycle in a few months once it "wears off".

[enlighten me]

From what I can piece together a BPD relationship follows a pattern.

The idolisation phase.

The doubt phase.

The devaluation phase.

You may not know you are in the devaluation phase until they leave you. During devaluation they can look for a replacement. They may even start a relationship and make sure its going to work before they dump you.

I didn't see the devaluation with my ex wife and she dumped me out of the blue. With my exgf the devaluation was obvious and I left her as I had enough of it.

There is another phase post break up.

The did I do the right thing phase. This is normally when their new partner is devalued or they cant find someone else. It may not be you they wonder about it could be another ex.

I think they may not even realise they have devalued you and someone showing interest in them highlights their negative opinion of you. This could be why the timing coincides.

[kyon147]

Yeah it makes sense.

It does seem too well timed but at the same time I just do not need someone like that to be the person I love. It should be both ways and with her it never fully will be.

She will continue that cycle and I have no broken out of it.

It will take time but I know I will get over it and her. I am just hoping I will be at that point if she does try and come back.

[hergestridge]

During my 20 year relationship with a pwBPD there was a recurring pattern where my wife started to question our relationship (and anything to do with it) every time she met new friends. It could be just one-off chance meeting with someone who seemed sympathetic towards her - this made her turn against me.

This was one of the saddest and most unbearable aspects of our relationship. For period of time she wanted to be in isolation and only meet me. This was happy days for me because she then showed love for me and I felt save and not under threat. Once she got out of her isolation and made friends, the first thing that seemed to happen was that she turned against me, badmouthed me to her friends and started to have lots of complaints about our relationship. And when I was hurt by this sudden shift and expressed this, she accused me of being jealous and controlling.

However, it would only take a month or two before her new friends were devalued and abandoned, and she wanted to shut herself in at home with me only. This happened again and again.

This left me with a feeling that my wife only was with me because she couldn't get anything better. She was being deceitful and it hurt me a lot. I put up with it because I knew it would be over soon and she'd be "back" with me again.

The thing is, pwBPD are emotionally unstable. They don't know what they want. She may want you but then she meets someone else and forgets all about it.

Just to make a comparison;

If I am in a long term relationship with a woman I love and happen to stumble upon another woman which is equally attractive I don't even think about ditching my relationship (unless it's very much on the rocks). But a pwBPD has a low sense of self and they don't have the same integrity.

If I am in a long term relationship that relationship is in itself part of who I am. It is part of my self. A pwBPD don't have much of a self. There is not place for you in her heart because there is no... .heart, metaphorically speaking.

In the final days of our relationship we talked a lot about the time we had spent together. I remember place we had lived, things we had done together and the relationship that I felt had grown over time.

It turned out she had a very different picture. She didn't remember much of the things I mentioned, she viewed our relationship (after 20 years) as a future project and refused to look back. Even though she didn't remember the good times, she remembered little things I had did that she felt hurt by.

In short, I had built a relationship with her, but she never built a relationship with me. We didn't share a history. I had just kept track of our time together but she couldn't wait to leave everything behind. She talked about a "fresh start" for us, and she did that for years and years. It was like she started over anew every day.

It's a strange way of thinking. When we had no history together, this also meant I was like a stranger to her (or at least that how she viewed me) and had to prove myself worthy her love and attention every day. In a normal relationship, that is a good way of thinking (to not take each other for granted), but for a pwBPD it just means you (as a partner) are under constant threat of abandonment or some other punishment.

It makes total sense that pwBPD leave when they meet new people.

It is a result of their weak sense of self. But to a normally wired person it just looks like they plan and scheme their exit. It is difficult and nerve-wrecking to be close to someone who are slave under their emotional impulses like pwBPD are.

[guy4caligirl]

 Thank you for  posting your story , you have truly described this illness to the T .

Good luck to you !

[kyon147]

Yeah it makes a lot of sense.

One of my friends who is also friends with her told me that she is meeting the guy I caught her saying i love you too. This is the same guy that she met a month ago and coincidently the same time she "fell out of love with me"

At first I thought it was but after now speaking with you all I can see its not, it is a pattern that happens to people like her.

It hurts a lot but I need to move on and when she comes back in months or longer I will be ready to say no.

[kyon147]

Do you also think she will come back once this r/s fails?

[enlighten me]

That depends on a number of things. The best guide is their past behaviour. Have they gone back to exs before?

It also depends on if they feel shame about how they treated you or if they still have you painted black.

Add to that if the relationship failed because someone new came along.

Then theres you and whether you want her back. You cant come back if the door is shut and it takes two to have a relationship.

[C.Stein]

It also depends on if they feel shame about how they treated you or if they still have you painted black.

Mine will not be back and her shame/guilt will keep her from ever contacting me again.

I will remain unjustly painted black because it is what she needs to justify/excuse her actions.

[kyon147]

Nah she has not painted me black. When we spoke last night for the last time (my choice) she was still terrified I would just leave for good NC ever again.

The reason this all happened is because of a new guy she started speaking to a month ago as a "friend" the same time she told me last night the "didnt love me anymore"

Tbh, after cheating on me twice already, sleeping with another guy in a week break up we had nearly two years a go and now doing it again but this time going off with him. I am done.

She would have to come back with the most incredible reason and conversation for me to ever ever consider getting back with her. Based on the above and our history I do think she will come back if this r/s fails but I wont be waiting.

[Concerns]

"She would have to come back with the most incredible reason and conversation for me to ever ever consider getting back with her."

Don't sell your self-respect short. There really is no reason to be treated like this. One thing I've been learning in therapy is that it's a way to control you and emotionally blackmail you. Her behavior was truly unacceptable. Non's deal with the struggle of forgiveness because we are empathetic. I don't believe bp's can access those stores properly. We may forgive but it may be more healthy and respectful to yourself if you didn't. It's definitely a tough nut to crack. Could you ever really trust that her reason is genuine and not a reaction to her own insecurities?

In my situation, I feel my wife's own inability to handle the fear and doubt in her own mind doesn't leave any room to consider my feelings and the effect of her own behavior has on me or our son.

[kyon147]

"She would have to come back with the most incredible reason and conversation for me to ever ever consider getting back with her."

Don't sell your self-respect short. There really is no reason to be treated like this. One thing I've been learning in therapy is that it's a way to control you and emotionally blackmail you. Her behavior was truly unacceptable. Non's deal with the struggle of forgiveness because we are empathetic. I don't believe bp's can access those stores properly. We may forgive but it may be more healthy and respectful to yourself if you didn't. It's definitely a tough nut to crack. Could you ever really trust that her reason is genuine and not a reaction to her own insecurities?

In my situation, I feel my wife's own inability to handle the fear and doubt in her own mind doesn't leave any room to consider my feelings and the effect of her own behavior has on me or our son.

You are right it is unacceptable and its only because at this moment I still love her. If we chat in 6 months time I know deep down I would probably never take her back. At least I think that.

Yeah I do get what you mean it was the same with my uBPDxgf she just does not have the space in-between all her depression, insecurities and everything else so connect on the right level. The guy she is going to be with (the one see if seeing this weekend and that caused us to break up) it will happen the same. She will destroy the relationship probably a lot sooner than the 4 years I was with her because I really tried, really cared and really loved her and wanted to support her.

[LostGhost]

I work with my ex unfortunately. We've managed to keep a quasi friendship going. We've been talking quite a bit each day until, surprise... .she's met yet another guy and now she's disappeared again. It's too painful to keep doing this and I can't go on much longer. I get my hopes up each time only to have them crash down later.

There are two outcomes. I die or I remove every trace of her from my life, all mutual friends, quit my lifelong career, start my life over somewhere else. At this point I don't even care but the pain needs to stop. Can't go on like this any more.

[Concerns]

"She would have to come back with the most incredible reason and conversation for me to ever ever consider getting back with her."

Don't sell your self-respect short. There really is no reason to be treated like this. One thing I've been learning in therapy is that it's a way to control you and emotionally blackmail you. Her behavior was truly unacceptable. Non's deal with the struggle of forgiveness because we are empathetic. I don't believe bp's can access those stores properly. We may forgive but it may be more healthy and respectful to yourself if you didn't. It's definitely a tough nut to crack. Could you ever really trust that her reason is genuine and not a reaction to her own insecurities?

In my situation, I feel my wife's own inability to handle the fear and doubt in her own mind doesn't leave any room to consider my feelings and the effect of her own behavior has on me or our son. My wife meets new people and will paint her life as this horrible situation. Other people will empathize with her and encourage her to change/leave/be with them. In reality, that's not her external life at all. It's a representation of her internal life. How she feels about herself. It's not a representation of your relationship even though it will be used to negatively reason against it. The new attention or relationship will immediately make her feel better about herself and worse about your relationship. Hence, the changes you noticed when she got new "friends".

But this is a house of cards, no?

In reality, she is the only one who change her internal life. No one from the outside can change that. Unfortunately, people suffering often don't. There is some hope but the numbers aren't good. They have to be truly motivated.

In my case, my wife isn't motivated to help herself. She would rather discard people she has used up and start with someone new until that falls apart. She will find someone new, attach to them, and discard me. I am in the process currently of being discarded. My therapist calls is emotional vampirism or being an emotional vampire.

[Joem678]

Hergestridge and concerns, you described my life to the atom.  I was thought it was another guy but now i do see it is a new group.  A fantasy gets created.  And I become being dragged in crap.  It's happened since our Freshman year in college.  The group she idolizes now is not only affecting me but our kids.   Ugh!  She always comes back.  Ugh!

[luckycharm224]

During my 20 year relationship with a pwBPD there was a recurring pattern where my wife started to question our relationship (and anything to do with it) every time she met new friends. It could be just one-off chance meeting with someone who seemed sympathetic towards her - this made her turn against me.

This was one of the saddest and most unbearable aspects of our relationship. For period of time she wanted to be in isolation and only meet me. This was happy days for me because she then showed love for me and I felt save and not under threat. Once she got out of her isolation and made friends, the first thing that seemed to happen was that she turned against me, badmouthed me to her friends and started to have lots of complaints about our relationship. And when I was hurt by this sudden shift and expressed this, she accused me of being jealous and controlling.


However, it would only take a month or two before her new friends were devalued and abandoned, and she wanted to shut herself in at home with me only. This happened again and again.

This left me with a feeling that my wife only was with me because she couldn't get anything better. She was being deceitful and it hurt me a lot. I put up with it because I knew it would be over soon and she'd be "back" with me again.

The thing is, pwBPD are emotionally unstable. They don't know what they want. She may want you but then she meets someone else and forgets all about it.

Just to make a comparison;

If I am in a long term relationship with a woman I love and happen to stumble upon another woman which is equally attractive I don't even think about ditching my relationship (unless it's very much on the rocks). But a pwBPD has a low sense of self and they don't have the same integrity.

If I am in a long term relationship that relationship is in itself part of who I am. It is part of my self. A pwBPD don't have much of a self. There is not place for you in her heart because there is no... .heart, metaphorically speaking.

In the final days of our relationship we talked a lot about the time we had spent together. I remember place we had lived, things we had done together and the relationship that I felt had grown over time.

It turned out she had a very different picture. She didn't remember much of the things I mentioned, she viewed our relationship (after 20 years) as a future project and refused to look back. Even though she didn't remember the good times, she remembered little things I had did that she felt hurt by.

In short, I had built a relationship with her, but she never built a relationship with me. We didn't share a history. I had just kept track of our time together but she couldn't wait to leave everything behind. She talked about a "fresh start" for us, and she did that for years and years. It was like she started over anew every day.

It's a strange way of thinking. When we had no history together, this also meant I was like a stranger to her (or at least that how she viewed me) and had to prove myself worthy her love and attention every day. In a normal relationship, that is a good way of thinking (to not take each other for granted), but for a pwBPD it just means you (as a partner) are under constant threat of abandonment or some other punishment.

It makes total sense that pwBPD leave when they meet new people.

It is a result of their weak sense of self. But to a normally wired person it just looks like they plan and scheme their exit. It is difficult and nerve-wrecking to be close to someone who are slave under their emotional impulses like pwBPD are.

This reminds me so much of how things were with me with my BPD ex girlfriend. Wow. I just got anxiety over that

[kyon147]

"She would have to come back with the most incredible reason and conversation for me to ever ever consider getting back with her."

Don't sell your self-respect short. There really is no reason to be treated like this. One thing I've been learning in therapy is that it's a way to control you and emotionally blackmail you. Her behavior was truly unacceptable. Non's deal with the struggle of forgiveness because we are empathetic. I don't believe bp's can access those stores properly. We may forgive but it may be more healthy and respectful to yourself if you didn't. It's definitely a tough nut to crack. Could you ever really trust that her reason is genuine and not a reaction to her own insecurities?

In my situation, I feel my wife's own inability to handle the fear and doubt in her own mind doesn't leave any room to consider my feelings and the effect of her own behavior has on me or our son. My wife meets new people and will paint her life as this horrible situation. Other people will empathize with her and encourage her to change/leave/be with them. In reality, that's not her external life at all. It's a representation of her internal life. How she feels about herself. It's not a representation of your relationship even though it will be used to negatively reason against it. The new attention or relationship will immediately make her feel better about herself and worse about your relationship. Hence, the changes you noticed when she got new "friends".

But this is a house of cards, no?

In reality, she is the only one who change her internal life. No one from the outside can change that. Unfortunately, people suffering often don't. There is some hope but the numbers aren't good. They have to be truly motivated.

In my case, my wife isn't motivated to help herself. She would rather discard people she has used up and start with someone new until that falls apart. She will find someone new, attach to them, and discard me. I am in the process currently of being discarded. My therapist calls is emotional vampirism or being an emotional vampire.

Yeah it is so true, she has discarded me for something new that is going to make her temporarily happy. All those good times, all that love, all the support, the 4 years in her eyes just poof in a week, over it.

I have a gut feeling she will try to come back it might take a few months but once the phase has burned away with this current guy and she understands he is not me and woun't be as caring, as forgiving, as understanding and as loving she will see what the hell she has done.

I just won't be around to welcome her back with open arms. Or al teast I hope i wont.

[luckycharm224]

I truly think mine is done. My son will be 22 months on the 24th and we haven't been together since he was 3 weeks old. I've heard, she doesn't like the man I am. She can't stand me, she will never be with me again, but would still go on trips with our kids, stay over and sleep in my bed, but most of the time wouldn't let me touch her.

And I would always know when she would get attention because things would be fine and like that, she would flip a switch and not want me around again. Whether it was male attention or certain friends im not sure, but it hurts like hell. I've tried to wrap my brain around the logic and it's made me go crazy. I've begged, pleaded, even bardered and it seems within a month she would slowly allow herself to be around me again. But never in a loving way. But this time is different, I feel it, and I caught her with her daughter's dad at his house late at night and busted her and since then, she can't stand me. Maybe because I know her truth now, I really don't, and will never understand why she does what she does. But it hurts like hell. I wish I could not let my emotions so caught up knowing she is not right. But having a child with her makes it even harder to fully separate myself from the situation. Mind you, after she had our son, I've never felt love from her, it's like as soon as she gave birth something changed.

[luckycharm224]

Just thought of this too

She used to tell me that she could be with any of her ex's, and that they all works beg her back, I used to think she did that to make new jealous but I'm not sure of that anymore, and if she was that bad, why would they all want her back. She is very very pretty but not like she was when I first met her, I think her losing her body after our son has made her a little worse too, the more insecure she got,the more she desperately looks for a new supply

[bewildered2]

remember that the starting point for a BPD is unrelenting unhappiness.

anything or, more likely, anyone that comes along and alleviates that awful feeling for them is going to seized and used, for as long as it works, including you.

think of it as pain relief.

they experience constant emotional pain. you get used to make him/her feel better. and when it doesn't work, they try something or someone else.

it isn't personal. that's the hard part to understand.

it's just the way they are, and it's what they do.

and if you were in their shoes you would do the same thing.

that's why it is called a disorder.

when you understand what's going on, you will feel compassion for anybody with this condition.

b2

[Stolen]

This really hit home with me also:

"In short, I had built a relationship with her, but she never built a relationship with me. We didn't share a history. I had just kept track of our time together but she couldn't wait to leave everything behind. She talked about a "fresh start" for us, and she did that for years and years. It was like she started over anew every day."

I also felt every day was brand new for xW, with no history to build on.  Regardless of decades of support, of trying to protect her from her toxic FOO, of having two healthy, smart children and attaining so much - none of that seemed to matter at all.  I think they are incapable of developing any degree of goodwill - they just live in the moment, regardless of what came before.

This is why BPD is such a poison for commitment type relationships like marriage. Vows mean nothing, except perhaps in that very moment.

And that "fresh start"?  She moved out with my 2 Ds - all three took virtually nothing with them. The "stuff" that I thought was important was just abandoned. The kids - leaving behind trophies, plaques, medals, scrapbooks, hundreds of pictures.  Even the dog - who they grew up with.  And not a hint that any of this was, or is, missed.  I worry for my Ds - I understand the heritability of this, and whether fleas or worse, they mirror xW's behavior so much.

In xW's case - the "new and better" was a lesbian relationship, and a subsequent move to a vibrant lesbian community. For someone needing emotional supply, what better than to find a welcoming, fawning community where recruitment is so important?  And if you arrive with two beautiful teenage daughters... .

 .

[GreenEyedMonster]

I think that because pwBPD lack a real constant sense of self, the line between their identity and the outside world is very blurred.  When their environment changes somehow, so do they.  They can adapt and belong in almost any setting, in a way that nons can't, because of their shifting sense of identity.  It is, in some ways, one of the few advantages they have.

An example would be going on vacation with my uBPDex.  We went to a nearby major city for a weekend.  He had never been there before.  By the end of the trip, he was talking about how he'd like to live there.  He couldn't separate himself from the place.  He lost the sense of living in a different city and belonging there; after a weekend visit, he felt like he belonged somewhere else.  It really only took two days and his sense of who he was changed.

You can imagine my terror when he went on a week-long vacation without me about two months later.  Being without me for a week might make him feel like he was happier that way!  A little time with some strangers, and they can become his most real friends, as if they've known each other for a lifetime.  Then a few weeks later, it's like they never existed.

Think of Barbie and her many costumes and professions.  That's how my uBPDex was.  He had one foot in a whole bunch of different things, but none of them was a constant part of his identity.  He might best be described as a dilletante -- "a person who cultivates an area of interest, such as the arts, without real commitment or knowledge."

However, none of these people or interests ever goes away forever.  It is like the metaphor you often see on this site -- those things are stored in a box to be taken out later, when the pwBPD feels like it or when it provides some sort of stimulation again.  In this sense, the pwBPD ends up with a whole bunch of "costumes" that s/he can put on at will.

[hergestridge]

remember that the starting point for a BPD is unrelenting unhappiness.

anything or, more likely, anyone that comes along and alleviates that awful feeling for them is going to seized and used, for as long as it works, including you.

think of it as pain relief.

they experience constant emotional pain. you get used to make him/her feel better. and when it doesn't work, they try something or someone else.

it isn't personal. that's the hard part to understand.

it's just the way they are, and it's what they do.

and if you were in their shoes you would do the same thing.

that's why it is called a disorder.

when you understand what's going on, you will feel compassion for anybody with this condition.

b2

And on the subject of compassion. Borderline people don't have any use for our compassion because they will only abuse it. If you need to feel compassion then for your own sake but I wonder what good it will do. Most likely it will just cloud your mind with doubt and put you in a blind alley of self-blame.

Compassion is a high ideal and I think it has its place when you are in a situation where you can help or need to take something into consideration. If you feel you need to be compassionate when you have been violated then it might be a problem.