A little holiday guilt

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone,

First, big hugs to everyone here—I know (speaking personally) that the holidays can evoke tough times. May we all be able to move through it all as peacefully as possible. This is my second year of spending the holidays away from my folks—my dad, mother w/suspected BPD, and sister wBPD are back East. I just received a note from my mother (we are essentially no contact—only on birthdays/holidays).

I received an email just now saying: "Happy Thanksgiving. Wish you could be here at home with us." She doesn't pull the guilt stuff very often, mostly because we are essentially no contact at this point. It took a little restraint not to write: "I wish I could be too, but I need to feel safe and know that you won't be emotionally/mentally abusive." (This has been the norm every holiday for the last God knows how many years.) The silent treatment/tantrum behavior is pretty typical for both my mother and sister, but why does it get really bad over the holidays? I suspect it has to do with a time when most people would like to relax and be in peace, but there is something about that which is unsettling for them.

Anyway, it's those moments like receiving that email when I felt a moment of "aw, maybe I should reach out and maybe we could reconnect after all" but sadly, I feel like it's a bit of a trap.

The trap being that if my mom is nice and slightly guilt trippy ("I wish you could be here with us"—it, as always, puts the onus on me to patch things up.

Thanks for reading—this year already feels markedly better than last year's tough time dealing with being away for the first time, but it's still tough. And—super annoying points for people (out of just default) saying: "Have a great time with your family!" or "Are you going to be with your family?". Ugh. Double ugh. I know it's unintentional, but I can't help but feel a little triggered—and with some people feel like *I* am the odd one for not being with family. Only if people knew and acknowledged that there are many different ways a family structure can look like... .

How do others cope/manage during these tough holiday times? Sending peace to you all.

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Hi everyone,

First, big hugs to everyone here—I know (speaking personally) that the holidays can evoke tough times. May we all be able to move through it all as peacefully as possible. This is my second year of spending the holidays away from my folks—my dad, mother w/suspected BPD, and sister wBPD are back East. I just received a note from my mother (we are essentially no contact—only on birthdays/holidays).

I received an email just now saying: "Happy Thanksgiving. Wish you could be here at home with us." She doesn't pull the guilt stuff very often, mostly because we are essentially no contact at this point. It took a little restraint not to write: "I wish I could be too, but I need to feel safe and know that you won't be emotionally/mentally abusive." (This has been the norm every holiday for the last God knows how many years.) The silent treatment/tantrum behavior is pretty typical for both my mother and sister, but why does it get really bad over the holidays? I suspect it has to do with a time when most people would like to relax and be in peace, but there is something about that which is unsettling for them.

Anyway, it's those moments like receiving that email when I felt a moment of "aw, maybe I should reach out and maybe we could reconnect after all" but sadly, I feel like it's a bit of a trap.

The trap being that if my mom is nice and slightly guilt trippy ("I wish you could be here with us"—it, as always, puts the onus on me to patch things up.

Thanks for reading—this year already feels markedly better than last year's tough time dealing with being away for the first time, but it's still tough. And—super annoying points for people (out of just default) saying: "Have a great time with your family!" or "Are you going to be with your family?". Ugh. Double ugh. I know it's unintentional, but I can't help but feel a little triggered—and with some people feel like *I* am the odd one for not being with family. Only if people knew and acknowledged that there are many different ways a family structure can look like... .

How do others cope/manage during these tough holiday times? Sending peace to you all.

[HappyChappy]

. Only if people knew and acknowledged that there are many different ways a family structure can look like... .

How do others cope/manage during these tough holiday times? Sending peace to you all.

Happy Thanks giving. I believe people are starting to understand that family, isn’t just blood. Blood is thicker that water but poo is even thicker. Also “honour thy mother” only applies if someone acts like a mother (mine didn’t). Since a child I would spend as much time around friends houses during the holidays seasons as I could.  My friend’s parents seam to like me way more than my BPD did. That was always the fun bit, and the “blood” bit was always the ordeal.  More recently we tend to go on holiday, as if the surroundings are very different, there’s less chance of being triggered (and we like holidays).  

[HappyChappy]

woops