BPD Ex Seeking Friends on Online Dating Sites

[rosesarered777]

As you may recall in earlier posts, my ex dumped me in early September "out of the blue", claiming no feelings, no compatibility, plus a few insults for good measure (i.e. slob, ugly, etc.). We had been in an off-and-on relationship for six years and I often felt a lot of what she said about me was a projection of how she felt about herself! She has disappeared before and found someone else rather rapidly in the past but she is living in a different city and is likely barely able to pay the rent. So her lifestyle has lowered and she is almost 32 years with no stable career job.

She previously made claims of wanting kids and children with me and for me to move with her back home. Now she claims I will never hear or see her again, a claim she has made once before. She even changed her number this time so I have no means of reaching her. (She very carelessly left her friend's number lying around but I dare not use it.)

I had assumed that she had found someone new but now I am not so sure. She has moved back home and is apparently seeking 'no commitment/no relationship' yet wants 'friends on a Plentyoffish account'. Her profile has been up for a few weeks now but has no profile picture. I would assume things are not going as well as she hoped as she seems to be online for long periods of time and at weird hours (midnight to 1am). I know this because I know that is her go-to place after we have a squabble in the past.

Is my ex-BPD seeking a replacement for me or is trying to find a perfect person to soothe herself?

[Aussie0zborn]

So she's wasted six years of your life already. How many more years are you going to let her waste - have you set a limit or did you give her carte blanche?

We can't know her motivation or plans.  What strikes me here, is YOUR motivation. Why are you interested and why do you care what she's doing?

[rosesarered777]

So she's wasted six years of your life already. How many more years are you going to let her waste - have you set a limit or did you give her carte blanche?

We can't know her motivation or plans.  What strikes me here, is YOUR motivation. Why are you interested and why do you care what she's doing?

Wasted? We had a lot of good times together in that period. She bought me things like a new bike and laptop,  etc.

Are you going to be a troll or answer the question above?

[BlackHoleSun]

As you may recall in earlier posts, my ex dumped me in early September "out of the blue", claiming no feelings, no compatibility, plus a few insults for good measure (i.e. slob, ugly, etc.). We had been in an off-and-on relationship for six years and I often felt a lot of what she said about me was a projection of how she felt about herself! She has disappeared before and found someone else rather rapidly in the past but she is living in a different city and is likely barely able to pay the rent. So her lifestyle has lowered and she is almost 32 years with no stable career job.

She previously made claims of wanting kids and children with me and for me to move with her back home. Now she claims I will never hear or see her again, a claim she has made once before. She even changed her number this time so I have no means of reaching her. (She very carelessly left her friend's number lying around but I dare not use it.)

I had assumed that she had found someone new but now I am not so sure. She has moved back home and is apparently seeking 'no commitment/no relationship' yet wants 'friends on a Plentyoffish account'. Her profile has been up for a few weeks now but has no profile picture. I would assume things are not going as well as she hoped as she seems to be online for long periods of time and at weird hours (midnight to 1am). I know this because I know that is her go-to place after we have a squabble in the past.

Is my ex-BPD seeking a replacement for me or is trying to find a perfect person to soothe herself?

"No commitment/no relationship" on POF basically means DTF. In other words she's more than likely looking to hook up with people for casual sex. That would also explain why she is on POF late at night and not got a profile pic - she's sexting with people. That doesn't mean she's not in a new relationship.

Could be her values/morals have changed though. She doesn't want a relationship, just casual sex. Whatever she told you, is likely to be true, or at least the truth at that moment in time. You want to hear that she misses you, that you've had some impact on her, and she's having a hard time without you. That's impossible to say. It's best to focus on yourself and moving forwards sooner than focus on her behaviour and asking questions you can never answer. Hope that helps in some way!

[shatra]

Aussie wrote---Why are you interested and why do you care what she's doing?

--It is typical and normal for people to still care or be curious after a breakup. They only ended it 2 months ago.

Roses --- how did the "reunions' go after prior breakups? Is that what you mean by on and off in the past---did you have breakups? Or did you just not see each other on a daily basis?

[Climbmountains91]

Mine did the exact same, in the end i made a fake profile, messaged him and got all the answers confirmed there that he was looking for a relationship but his excuse to me was ''oh i'm bored of my friends there always working, i'm just looking for new friends'' as his quite extrovert.

When he found out it was me he was like 'ooh i new it was you anyway'' he freakin well didn't.

I wouldn't recommend doing a fake profile as that was childish and stupid of me but hey ho.

[butterfly15]

Mine did the exact same, in the end i made a fake profile, messaged him and got all the answers confirmed there that he was looking for a relationship but his excuse to me was ''oh i'm bored of my friends there always working, i'm just looking for new friends'' as his quite extrovert.

When he found out it was me he was like 'ooh i new it was you anyway'' he freakin well didn't.

I wouldn't recommend doing a fake profile as that was childish and stupid of me but hey ho.

 I did the same thing. That's how we met originally. I was amazed and hurt at the same time. He never even asked my name or saw a picture of me on my fake profile. Messaged me for about an hour and invited me over? He told me all of the things he wanted to do (all sexual of course)  Him and I had be arguing a lot as he had been devaluing for months and had pulled away a lot (the most ever) most recently. We were in a heated arguement about a week later and I sent him the pics he sent me and the poems he handed out to my fake profile. The same poems he wrote for me his girlfriend. When he found out it was me he just laughed. Showed no remorse. I knew then what he had probably been up to almost our entire relationship. I was devestated. Since that day almost over 2 weeks ago we have had NC. However, he has been online plenty still looking for a relationship.

[rosesarered777]

I'm on my cell but I will write as I can.

After break ups she usually goes straight onto POF and seeks Casual Dating, etc. She has never said Not Single/Not Looking before and I am surprised that she doesn't have a public photo.

She claimed that it was fun to sleep around but I think it stopped when a) supply disappeared or b) she realized that she could noy find a husband that way. Before she made me promise kids before 35 and told me how much her biological clock is ticking these days (very loud apparently). Her relatives ask her when she will start a family too.

In the past she has unblocked me from Facebook after the 3 month mark. Think she is manic right now because she has 'sexy' in her name and told me she deserved better than me (I said no; she drinks litres of wine each week and has no money to travel, etc.)

Thank you for the replies! I am struggling right now.  Not as bad as past splits but right before Xmas is rough...

Her apartment here has to be vacant by mid week so I might hear from her soon. She knew that I was going to ggraduate soon too.

She disappears but has had poor luck finding a decent bf in the past. 6 years for us is a record when she could only do 1-2 years in the past.

[rosesarered777]

Update: Looks like she finally unhid her relationship status on Facebook and now both of her accounts say Single. Should I expect her to reach out and contact me if she is having problems finding someone? Thanks in advance.

[Aussie0zborn]

My experience is that this is more than likely reaching out to you indirectly. ie : she has left the gate open. Conversely, she can close that gate after her needs are met. This is an emotionally rock road to walk on. Good luck.

[rosesarered777]

My experience is that this is more than likely reaching out to you indirectly. ie : she has left the gate open. Conversely, she can close that gate after her needs are met. This is an emotionally rock road to walk on. Good luck.

I was at work all day but checked the online dating on my breaks. She seems to be on around the clock looking for someone. She has not unblocked me yet on either account so I know that she has unveiled her Single status on Facebook through indirect means. It is quite possible that she will reach out if her searching proves to be a waste of time before Christmas. She has reached out before when she has claimed she would never talk/see me again.

In the past, it has taken her 2 months or longer to find someone new that she started a relationship with. She is older now and her biological clock is ticking. She might re-consider having kids with me in the future if she is as penniless as I'm thinking she is.