Currently separated

[Dbolove]

I've been married for almost 2 years. My husband and I have recently separated. For the last 2 years he's cycled mood swings and it has affected our relationship tremendously, I don't trust him and his emotional ups and downs led him to make a decision to move out on Thanksgiving Day. In less than 48 hours he wants to come back home stating he can't live his life without me and he really need help because he realized there is something wrong with him.  At this time I'm not sure what to do except help him find help. I've not reached a point that I want him to move back home. So now I'm researching and sharing this research with him and he agrees BPD describes him 100%. So where do I go from here?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pallavirajsinghani]

At this time I'm not sure what to do except help him find help.

I am so sorry that you are going through this turmoil.  First of all, I'd like to welcome you to our very tough, loving, opinionated, caring family.  I am glad that you are here.  You will find a wealth of information and tools here that will be very helpful.

I'd like to comment your remark-it is important that you learn more about this disorder.  By trying to "help" him, you will burnout to a point, where you may be of no help to yourself or him.  Therapy does not work if the sufferer is not motivated to help himself.  Your research will be a suspect because it is your research and not his.  This diagnosis is also yours and not a therapist's.  So right now my recommendation is three fold:

1) Learn the communication tools--go to the workshops and lessons section of this site and research what works best as a communication tool with BPD sufferers (How not to be invalidating in your responses, how not to JADE, how to use the SET technique.)

2) Learn more about this disorder and the devastating effects it can have on others.

3) Learn how to create and enforce healthy boundaries... .these boundaries include ensuring your emotional health, physical health AND fiscal health.

There are skills that are proven to work in high-conflict relationships and situations... .these can be learned.

Learning self-care is not abandonment of a loved one.  It is teaching them through proxy how to take care of themselves.

If you take the lead on "fixing" him and mending him and curing him... .then the help you give can soon be transformed into "control" and "abuse" and your role soon be transformed (in his mind) from that of a loving caring companion into a stern strict critical parent. 

Don't lose heart... its a marathon and not a spring... .it is a process, not a magical cure, and we will be with you every step of the way.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story.

God bless... .