Total Devastation

[draptemp]

I've been absent from the boards for a long time. I've been attempting (unsuccessfully) to salvage an almost 5 year relationship using the tools I learned here and the reference material suggested for coping and attempting to "stop the bleeding". It is over and not by my choice, I still love him with all my heart and have accepted behavior that I would not normally accept from any other source. I did this, falsely thinking that if I did, he'd see just how important salvaging what I thought we had left. It seemed the more I accepted, the more cruel, harsh, hateful and demeaning, spiteful and isolating he became.

He is now recycled me with at least 3 sexual encounters with other men and has extolled his escapades on certain social media as conquest and the most amazing experiences he's ever had. He graphically detailed every minute detail of two of these tryst. It's the most amazing sex he's ever had according to him.

All the while I have remained faithful to the truths of my deep seeded love refusing to engage in the same kind of behavior. However, gaining knowledge of these encounters, has absolutely devastated me be young what I can ever explain in written form.

Two of these sexual encounters occurred a month or so ago. Then about two weeks ago, he wrote another journal entry about meeting another man (out of state) and that he's the one for him and that he's making a trip to visit him into th second week of December and that as a result of his undying love for this never seen new person; he doesn't want to engage in any other sexual encounters (although they were the best sex he's ever had)

He says that they've been "corresponding" since the end of May and have spoke live every day except for a very few times. He describes his undying devotion for a person he has never met live and really hopes that finally meeting live will "seal the deal".

When the two of us were together he never had money for anything, I funded almost everything for daily living, trips, entertainment, travel, auto repairs. You name it and I funded it to the tune of over $8,000 in individual debt for him. He did agree to repay me a minimal amount each month and has done so pretty steady. But the amount he owes me is far greater than the measley monthly installment. I have long since paid his amount off of my credit card but it wasn't until January of this year (2015) that he finally consented to pay th interest on the balance. We share a joint bank account and he has not closed it.

Now, he indulges himself in excessive purchases from clothing, trips and electronics. There is no contact of any kind now and he has blocked me from text etc.

I am absolutely devastated and do not emotionally understand how a person for whom you swore your life of commitment to can have seemingly no feelings of any kind except mean spirited and selfishness and selfish actions to feed his excessive sexual desires with random sexual partners.

I know this is not unfamiliar to many others but I thought my love, devotion, loyalty and support for him would reveal this was real for me. I was wrong, obviously. I've been recycled and it appears he's living the "high life" of satisfaction and pleasure.

I just wanted to verbalized and articulate my feelings in hope that others may she some realistic light on this and also if there's anyone else who has gone through or is experiencing the same devastation, I'd welcome your sharing and we can share a common shoulder.

I have all the mechanics of understanding, just can't convince my heart to believe it.

Thank you for allowing me vent.

[steelwork]

I'm new here, brand new, and I have no insight or advice for you -- but I wanted to say that I'm shocked by this treatment. No one deserves this. Beyond the pale.

[SandWitch]

 

Sorry that you are hurting.  I really thought that love and patience would see my relationship through. It only seemed to feed the ego monster and increase his aggravation.  The more adoration attention he got from others the worse it got.  Hard not to take it personally but the truth is - it was not me it was him.  Yes there are triggers, yes there are tools but in the end he did what he did - he is who he is - and I am struggling to equate the guy at the end of the relationship with the one he presented at the beginning. 

I still fight the feeling that I just wasn't good enough and feel hurt that he couldn't see.  An emerging part of me knows I am actually are really good mate.  Appreciative, good communicator, patient, supportive, creative . . . but his ego needs are bottomless.  He needs to fall in love over and over and over. To be the main focus and admired and sought after.  One person cannot be that. It is extremely exhausting and I began to disappear. He is not the person for me.   

What I am trying to do now is heal and come out the other side.  Get to know myself on a new level and put my needs as equal.  My job is to learn about me and take care of me.  At some point a dating opportunity will come along and I will move slower and do fact finding. 

Today I felt a little hurt and wanted validation from him that I had worth . . . boy, oh, boy . . . that is almost selfish and illogical. As one friend put it: "Seeking validation from someone who treats you in an abusive manner is like letting a dog lick your face and pee on your leg at the same time."

What are doing to take care of yourself?  Sounds like you gave it all you had.   

[Beacher]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. First order is to block any social media that he obviously wants you to read.I still have such a hard time dealing with the cruelty of their nature, even though we all struggle to understand this hateful condition and are supposed to be live they have no control. Hard to accept when we are crying our eyes out. Take care, you are a good person and deserve the very best.

[draptemp]

Shambles, thank you for your response and your are absolutely correct; no healthy relationship deserves this kind of treatment. I think part of my illusion was to think that with understanding, genuine love and devotion and loyalty, he would know better. However, BPD does not function like that.

So the pain is intense and I'm still not accustomed to the isolation, punishment and total disregard for my love to him.

[draptemp]

Sorry that you are hurting.  I really thought that love and patience would see my relationship through. It only seemed to feed the ego monster and increase his aggravation. 

(This is absolutely true in my case as well. Others think he is the cats meow because he is so deceitfully charming to them)

The more adoration attention he got from others the worse it got. (Again, 100% true in my case too, having others think he's got it all together only fed his belief that it was all me and he deserved someone that would be better for him)

Hard not to take it personally but the truth is - it was not me it was him.  Yes there are triggers, yes there are tools but in the end he did what he did - he is who he is - and I am struggling to equate the guy at the end of the relationship with the one he presented at the beginning.  (What you convey is exactly my case too. At the beginning he pursued me, wooed me, impressed me, was thoughtful of my every need, but it began to change about  a year into th relationship and I as gully believed the lie it was me and therefore did everything possible NOT to spark triggers.  it did not work somehow or other he was th master of manipulation, silver tongued convincing that it wa me. No matter what I did it was NEVER enough)


I still fight the feeling that I just wasn't good enough and feel hurt that he couldn't see.  An emerging part of me knows I am actually are really good mate.  Appreciative, good communicator, patient, supportive, creative . . . but his ego needs are bottomless.  He needs to fall in love over and over and over. To be the main focus and admired and sought after.  One person cannot be that. It is extremely exhausting and I began to disappear. He is not the person for me.   

(I could not agree more, I knew in my heart of hearts that I am a good man and sincere, loving and dedicated, loyal man but his need to always be right, have a better idea and "one up me" was endless and insatiable. He was hawking sex websites, dating websites the entire time I was a loyal devoted, trusting person and if I'd remotely attempt to discuss my feelings about that, it provoked a rage that was unbelievable)

What I am trying to do now is heal and come out the other side.  Get to know myself on a new level and put my needs as equal.  My job is to learn about me and take care of me.  At some point a dating opportunity will come along and I will move slower and do fact finding. 

(I have a hews knowledge of those needs and I've attempted to do that as well as become much more spiritual with my trust in God. However, the battle rages on and I'm still devastated. I'm very skeptical to get back into a relationship but I want to have someone who understands my thoughts and feelings. This is a good arena for that because there are so many of us in the exact same situation)

Today I felt a little hurt and wanted validation from him that I had worth . . . boy, oh, boy . . . that is almost selfish and illogical. As one friend put it: "Seeking validation from someone who treats you in an abusive manner is like letting a dog lick your face and pee on your leg at the same time."

If it is of any consolation, I feel your pain, your needs and your desires to b validate and know that I do have value and I'm not the cruel hearted, selfish, self absorbing monster. I'd love to stay in touch with you to share more common hurts, problems and desires we know first hand, if you'd want to do that also. I'm not sur how that works but I'm sure there's a way.

Thank you agian for your response. I so appreciate it and hang in there, we will get through it... .eventually

What are doing to take care of yourself?  Sounds like you gave it all you had.   

[draptemp]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. First order is to block any social media that he obviously wants you to read.I still have such a hard time dealing with the cruelty of their nature, even though we all struggle to understand this hateful condition and are supposed to be live they have no control. Hard to accept when we are crying our eyes out. Take care, you are a good person and deserve the very best.

Beaches, thank you so much you're a kind soul. I can sense that. No need to worry about the social media. He has blocked me, blocked my phone and any communication ability. Th problem is, we had so many common friends that I still see what a "wonderful life he's experiencing". His parents love me so much but he moved back in with the and it makes for a very awkward situation. Thy still remain in touch but have no clue other than what he has told them about me. Th on consoling quality about that is, they know my character enough to know its not me. He manipulates and controls them as well. They were thrilled when we met and became partners. For thirst year it appeared my include was influencing him in very positive ways. They could see such an improvement and in subtl ways attempted to let me know how his moods were so unstable, how he could turn into a rage in a heart beat but his "silver tongue" convinced m it wasn't true and it was all them.

Ty again for your kind words

[Fr4nz]

[... .]

I have all the mechanics of understanding, just can't convince my heart to believe it.

Thank you for allowing me vent.

Hey Drap, I can relate. It took me like 9 months to align my hearth with my mind, and yet I still have some longing.

It's a process that takes time, don't beat up yourself and try to always use your "logical" part of the mind because, in the end, using it will bring benefits, clarity and an healthy emotional life.

Hang in there friend, and stay NC. Time heals everything!

[draptemp]

[... .]

I have all the mechanics of understanding, just can't convince my heart to believe it.

Thank you for allowing me vent.

Hey Drap, I can relate. It took me like 9 months to align my hearth with my mind, and yet I still have some longing.

Thanks for the encouragement.  Its been almost a year (in January) that things started to disenigrate and I'm still reeling from the mean spirited, isolation punishment all the while he's off to the next conquest in my case there have already been and he's planning on going out of state to meet another one.  Im doing my absolute best to stay positive and trust that sooner or later this nightmare will end. My emotions ambush me often and i really feel i could handle this a lot better if my love for him wasn't real.  Obviously, his pledge of undying love regardless, wasn't really that.  However, I took that a face value... .

It's a process that takes time, don't beat up yourself and try to always use your "logical" part of the mind because, in the end, using it will bring benefits, clarity and an healthy emotional life.

Hang in there friend, and stay NC. Time heals everything!

[... .]

I have all the mechanics of understanding, just can't convince my heart to believe it.

Thank you for allowing me vent.

Hey Drap, I can relate. It took me like 9 months to align my hearth with my mind, and yet I still have some longing.

It's a process that takes time, don't beat up yourself and try to always use your "logical" part of the mind because, in the end, using it will bring benefits, clarity and an healthy emotional life.

Hang in there friend, and stay NC. Time heals everything!

[Beacher]

You're very welcome. Always remember blood is thicker than water and although they seem to know his condition and he you tried to help, they will always be loyal to him. It's hard losing that relationship though. Surround yourself with your own support group and if you must, detach with love for a while from your common friends. It's so tempting to look at social media these days but there WAS a time we all did other things besides look online! Try reading, tv or just getting the heck out of the house to a movie or lunch with a friend. I found a lot of meetings and support groups around and took full advantage of filling up my nights with them. Take care

[draptemp]

You're very welcome. Always remember blood is thicker than water and although they seem to know his condition and he you tried to help, they will always be loyal to him. It's hard losing that relationship though. Surround yourself with your own support group and if you must, detach with love for a while from your common friends. It's so tempting to look at social media these days but there WAS a time we all did other things besides look online! Try reading, tv or just getting the heck out of the house to a movie or lunch with a friend. I found a lot of meetings and support groups around and took full advantage of filling up my nights with them. Take care

I do know that (blood thicker etc) both his parents, sisters love me and have been so grateful for the seeming progress he demonstrated in the 1st 2 years of our relationship. They know him well. His vilitilitu was very much alive in their home. It had become awkward in some cases because our friends pool were many of the same people. I do have a somewhat normal life although, internally, it's in shambles at the moment, but as time progresses , thank you for the advise. This group is so encouraging.