Boundry question

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Thanksgiving trip went great.  I think my one incident with the TV show and "all men are cheaters" went pretty well as I used boundaries that I have had and enforced for a while.

This part stuck out for me, but it wasn't forflier's focus so I thought I'd start a new thread.

My wife does this all the time.  We'll watch TV and there will be 20 characters, one of them is a male womanizer, or a cheater... .or any character with a negative character flaw.

She'll zero in on that character and proclaim:

  1.  All men are like that character

  2.  Men watch whatever we're watching so we can live vicariously through that one (and not the other 19) character.

I've begun stating "I'm not going to argue with you about what I think".  It's not really a boundary, but more a statement I don't want to start the circular arguments where she wants me to refute her statement about what my thoughts are (you know, instead of asking me and listening to my answers... .)

So I'm curious, what boundary have you instilled?

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[Sunfl0wer]

While this doesn't answer your question, it reminds me of the concept of the reticular activator: What is the reticular activator?

[Chilibean13]

My H accuses me of watching TV shows because I want to be like the characters. I watched Big Love because I like the idea of polygamy. I watch New Girl because I want to sleep with lots of men like the main character does.   So now I just watch these shows when he isn't around.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

My H accuses me of watching TV shows because I want to be like the characters. I watched Big Love because I like the idea of polygamy. I watch New Girl because I want to sleep with lots of men like the main character does.   So now I just watch these shows when he isn't around.

That could work if I was ever at home by myself... .but she's adamant about "watching what I watch" so she can "share in the experience"... .

So now I'll fast forward if there's any sex scene (TV, not really nudity) and she'll be the one to complain because in her mind:

  1.  I either watch it at work where she can't monitor me

  2.  I've seen other things before we dated so she needs to see it now

I just don't know how to rationally discuss it with her, when in her mind she can watch it and it's OK (she's just seeing what I'm watching... .you know research) but if I watch it, I mind as well be cheating on her.

[flourdust]

I'm glad my wife doesn't act out in this particular way. Considering my TV habits, she'd probably accuse me of wanting to be a superhero or a future astronaut. And I'd have to confess she was right! 

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I'm glad my wife doesn't act out in this particular way. Considering my TV habits, she'd probably accuse me of wanting to be a superhero or a future astronaut. And I'd have to confess she was right! 

LOL, our son & son's gf wanted to watch Apollo 18 and I told her I'd go into space in a heart beat... .I've followed the space program for 40+ years and my first squashed dream was that of being a pilot/astronaut (poor eyesight).

Her response was "so you'd leave me to go live on Mars the rest of your life?". 

Ugh!  fortunately we weren't alone so I could respond with "No, that's not what I said" and she dropped it (which is a whole different thread... .since she obviously knows when she's off the deep end since she can restrain herself around others... .)

[flourdust]

I'm glad my wife doesn't act out in this particular way. Considering my TV habits, she'd probably accuse me of wanting to be a superhero or a future astronaut. And I'd have to confess she was right! 

LOL, our son & son's gf wanted to watch Apollo 18 and I told her I'd go into space in a heart beat... .I've followed the space program for 40+ years and my first squashed dream was that of being a pilot/astronaut (poor eyesight).

Her response was "so you'd leave me to go live on Mars the rest of your life?". 

Oh, good lord... .

[formflier]

 Hey, sorry I'm late to the thread and discussion.  

  Her response was "so you'd leave me to go live on Mars the rest of your life?".     

           Hey, you could have validated and agreed and said yes.  Then moved on to another topic.  Remember, they are looking for the JADE.             

FF

[formflier]

  So I'm curious, what boundary have you instilled?

           Great question!  I am firm believer that boundaries are the #1 tool for a "stayer" to master, to have long term success and happiness.  Boundary:  My thoughts, emotions and desires are mine.  I won't "argue" about them or defend them to anyone.    How does this work out.  "You want xyz" (used to be a very triggering statement for me)  Especially when I don't want xyz.    Now:  wife:  You want xyz ff:  If you would like to know what I want, please ask.  I have time to share (stay away from emotions, such as I "would be happy to share"  This needs to be said simply and evenly.  Erase any hint of "challenge" or "nanny nanny boo boo" from your voice.  Now the ball is in my wife's court.    1.  She asks and we discuss (really positive response) 2.  She stews and fumes (her choice, I don't really pay attention, just go on about what I was doing before her "statement" 3.  She says something like "I don't have to ask, it's obvious what you want".  Formflier exits the room and goes to do something else for 10 minutes or so before coming back to "test the waters  So, how does this boundary apply to the TV show about cheaters.  She will usually get to the point where she discusses/accuses me of desires towards other women, "wanting" to cheat, thinking about other woman.  Now refer to boundary and you will see that I don't listen to that silliness.  In this particular area of cheating, there is no good outcome.  So if she sounds even and normal and asks ":)o you think about cheating?"  (from my boundary you would think I should discuss)  However, cue Admiral Ackbar.  It's a trap!            

FF

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

This is fairly difficult for me... .

enforcing the boundary pragmatically means we just discuss much... .

Do you even try to discuss her actions when she "feels bad"?  Adults understand everything isn't the way they want, but you don't restart the conversation every time you feel bad.

[formflier]

This is fairly difficult for me, enforcing the boundary pragmatically means we just discuss much, Do you even try to discuss her actions when she "feels bad"?  Adults understand everything isn't the way they want, but you don't restart the conversation every time you feel bad.

         Hmm,  why discuss it?  As you can see in my post, I "enforced" a boundary.  I didn't discuss it.  When she settles down, if she doesn't bring up the issue, I don't either.    The issue is her ability to regulate her emotions.  Once she has regulated them again, I don't see much benefit in focusing on the relatively short amount of time where she couldn't regulate them.          

FF