What do i do now?

[snaftastic]

HI so i recently learned about BPD.

My story is basically this, my ex who recently told me she's not ready for a relationship is current in NC with me. I met her on a dating App and it was a LDR. We hit it off right away and we spoke on the phone frequently during the first month. There was a lot of flirting and sexual chemistry as well especially from her side. I remember in the first couple of weeks she said she felt really strongly about me and so did i, and she had pulled back and said she needed space and time to think because everything was moving really quick. I had initially planed to go visit her for her birthday which she didn't shoot down at first but after her i need space and time to think request she came back and told me that i should not assume that its ok for me to go see her this soon, and i reminded her well you never exactly said no to me either and that it was in my nature to take initiative and be assertive and that i will consult her before hand from now on.

Things became great again, she would call me every night i could set my watch to her. Then her communication at times would lower because she said she had work stress and stresses at home which i listened to and advised her on. And then her communication became even more rampant she would start calling me 3-4 times a day and a lot more on weekends. We would talk for 40+ minutes each time. I loved this, she told me how i was too good to be true for her which scares her and feeling the "feels" scares her. She told me she might be falling in love with me, which i reciprocated i felt that way a while back for her. She told me that she was gonna marry me and called me her future husband all in a span of 4 months. After her euro trip this month we were supposed to meet because her father lives 20 minutes away from me, which is where she would be staying. We've told each other a lot of deep dark secrets btw and would trust each other with a lot of stuff. So fast forwarding towards a week before thanksgiving i remember this day the 18th, i was particularly lovey dove with her to which she pointed this out. And i didn't think much of it. I asked her if she liked it, she said she doesn't think anything of it since we haven't met yet (which i shoulda said something but didn't). Then the following days and weeks she started to become distant, less calls, less enthusiastic texts, things just seemed to trail off. So i asked her is everything is ok between us? And she said i know you don't feel happy with how things are and then asked me if i would be happy if we didn't talk to which i said no. I asked her if she would be happy, to which she said no i feel bad. Then she said she would cry but she's in public and that we would speak later. She told me that she was scared of everything, her job status, her upcoming trip, relationships, everything. She told me she trusted me and she didn't. I tried talking to her in alogical way and told her i was in this too, and that i had my heart on the line and had my heart to lose as well. She told me that my heart wasn't on the line as much as her and that she had more to lose, i was like you can't say that at all. We settled down in the phone call and calmed her down. She told me she would call me when she got into her house, she called me 2 hours later only to say she felt sleepy and tired and said goodnight. She didn't go to sleep instead was on Facebook for the majority of the night.

Things just got worse from here, less phone calls, less time spent talking, going places and not keeping me in the loop like she used to (i never asked her to before btw but she always did), never sharing anything with me anymore. I was supportive for her all the way and even helped her with her final master project which she got an A on. Then she just stopped replying to my good mornings and goodnights and told me we needed to talk. Thats when she told me that she wasn't ready for a relationship and she wanted to figure out what this was and that she has a habit of doing this. She says she's scared and wants to know how she could feel like this after feeling so into me. I told her i understood that she's going through something and that ill be there to help her if she wants me to and needs me to. She didn't say much just thank you i asked her should i leave her be during her euro trip and when she's here at her fathers house she could text or call me so we could grab a coffee and meet for an hour. She said to leave her be and she'll play it by the ear when she's here. She was supposed to be here from the 23rd of december to the 2nd of jan.

I left her alone for her euro trip, no contact not liking anything on her social media profiles. She blocked me on snapchat the week before she left for her trip to which i didn't notice until she was on her trip I'm not much of a snap chatter. I remember to keep conversations going with her she would tell me about her girlfriends boyfriend problems and get advice from me on them and would become cheery and engaging when i gave her advice for her friend. Part of me suspects it wasn't for her friend but for her because usually she screenshots convos so she doesn't have to type them out but she was typing out convos here. I asked her to screenshot it so she didn't have to waste time texting it all to which she said that she was typing exactly was she was being messaged. So fas forwarding again to december 23rd she flew in, and i texted her that night saying that i hope he had a great trip a safe flight here and that i would love to see her for an hour and it didn't have to be today but hopefully soon. To which she replied that she had an amazing trip and thank you and that she was only here for till christmas and that she could not not spend time with her dad, and  i said i thought you were till the 2nd she said not anymore. I asked her could i see her tonight then, she said no and i asked why she said she was with her dad. She said sorry. I said its ok after a little bit. She said she felt like i was just saying that to which i said what do you want me to say? Do you really honestly wanna know how i feel? She said yes. So i told her how hurt and angry i was that she changed her plans to avoid seeing me and pointed out how she told me a month back how excited she was to see me and how things just deteriorated and how i just wanted to see her for an hour i wasn't asking anything else from her. I told her how much i loved her and how i care for her well being and had her best interest in mind all the time and how this was our chance to meet and who knows if we'd ever get this chance. She told she didn't know what to say and to hat i said well thats why i don't say how i feel at times, to which she said ok. I told her look all i am saying is i love your bad and your good, i want you to be happy. I just wanted to see you but if you didn't wanna see me thats fine. The diatribe i had wrote to you was just how i felt, but i sincerely love you and hope nothing but happiness for you. I understand what you're going through and i hope you can let me help you, i am not abandoning you in any shape or form and i am not leaving i am here until you tell me to leave which i hope you don't. I am here if you need me and i hope once you figure this out we can be something because we had something good here.  To which she said thank you. I wished her a good flight and hope she felt better to which again she said thank you. Once she was in the air she unblocked me from snapchat. She was afraid i guess that if i saw her snaps id show up where ever she was which i totally wouldn't and that hurts me too because she says she trusts me but clearly doesn't.

So i am here now not knowing what to do, i contacted her yesterday just to say hi and hoped she was having a great day. She then again said thank you nothing more. I honestly don't know where to go from here because i told her I'm here for her but then again i can't just stop my life for her. I also sent her a copy of I hate you -Dont leave me by Hal Straus sent it anonymously so she'll get it in a week or so. I really hope she reads the book.

So my questions are:

Does she fit BPD? To me she does.

What should i do from here?

Is she gonna charm me?

I am in need of help for sure.  Thank you!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[livednlearned]

Hi snaftastic,

I can understand why you would feel confused -- things moved very quickly, and then she pulled back. Several times. She was probably feeling too vulnerable and her instinct was to take care of herself by putting some distance between the two of you. This can be true for anyone in the early stages of a very fast-moving relationship.

She seems to be pretty clear about wanting space. It might be wise to lay low for now, especially since you've consistently expressed how you feel about her. She knows.

The book might create some problems... .especially if she suspects you sent it.

[snaftastic]

Hi snaftastic,

I can understand why you would feel confused -- things moved very quickly, and then she pulled back. Several times. She was probably feeling too vulnerable and her instinct was to take care of herself by putting some distance between the two of you. This can be true for anyone in the early stages of a very fast-moving relationship.

She seems to be pretty clear about wanting space. It might be wise to lay low for now, especially since you've consistently expressed how you feel about her. She knows.

The book might create some problems... .especially if she suspects you sent it.

I cancelled the order last night didn't feel too confident about it. She referred to me as her future husband multiple times and told me she was gonna marry me multiple times without me prompting anything so things were pretty heavy from her. I'm just so confused.

[livednlearned]

I cancelled the order last night didn't feel too confident about it.

That was probably a good call. It probably wouldn't feel great to receive an anonymous book that basically diagnoses you with a serious (and stigmatized) mental illness. And she would spend a lot of effort trying to figure out who sent it (as anyone might). If you were suspect #1 and the relationship was hanging in the balance, it might tip things over the edge.

Along those lines, these videos might be helpful:

VIDEO:I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help!

According to Dr. Xavier Amador, professor in Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, denial is a powerful deterrent to recovery in mental illness. What is often thought to be immaturity, stubbornness, and defensiveness is a much more complex and difficult problem.  Empathy with the patient's frustrations and even the patients delusional beliefs is also important, remarked Amador, who said that the phrase "I understand how you feel" can make a world of difference. The most difficult thing for family members to do in building a trusting relationship, he said, is to restrict discussion only to the problems that the person with mental illness perceives as problems - not to try to convince them of others. View this 2 part video overview.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdVj8gXsETs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppculi-Os2g

She referred to me as her future husband multiple times and told me she was gonna marry me multiple times without me prompting anything so things were pretty heavy from her.

How did you respond when she said something like this?

[snaftastic]

I cancelled the order last night didn't feel too confident about it.

That was probably a good call. It probably wouldn't feel great to receive an anonymous book that basically diagnoses you with a serious (and stigmatized) mental illness. And she would spend a lot of effort trying to figure out who sent it (as anyone might). If you were suspect #1 and the relationship was hanging in the balance, it might tip things over the edge.

Along those lines, these videos might be helpful:

VIDEO:I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help!

According to Dr. Xavier Amador, professor in Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, denial is a powerful deterrent to recovery in mental illness. What is often thought to be immaturity, stubbornness, and defensiveness is a much more complex and difficult problem.  Empathy with the patient's frustrations and even the patients delusional beliefs is also important, remarked Amador, who said that the phrase "I understand how you feel" can make a world of difference. The most difficult thing for family members to do in building a trusting relationship, he said, is to restrict discussion only to the problems that the person with mental illness perceives as problems - not to try to convince them of others. View this 2 part video overview.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdVj8gXsETs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppculi-Os2g

She referred to me as her future husband multiple times and told me she was gonna marry me multiple times without me prompting anything so things were pretty heavy from her.

How did you respond when she said something like this?

I responded with reciprocation and told her that made me feel really happy. I have also told her i understand what she's going through is difficult, and i am here with her multiple times. Told her I'm not abandoning her. To which she said thank you nothing more.

[snaftastic]

I cancelled the order last night didn't feel too confident about it.

That was probably a good call. It probably wouldn't feel great to receive an anonymous book that basically diagnoses you with a serious (and stigmatized) mental illness. And she would spend a lot of effort trying to figure out who sent it (as anyone might). If you were suspect #1 and the relationship was hanging in the balance, it might tip things over the edge.

Along those lines, these videos might be helpful:

VIDEO:I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help!

According to Dr. Xavier Amador, professor in Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, denial is a powerful deterrent to recovery in mental illness. What is often thought to be immaturity, stubbornness, and defensiveness is a much more complex and difficult problem.  Empathy with the patient's frustrations and even the patients delusional beliefs is also important, remarked Amador, who said that the phrase "I understand how you feel" can make a world of difference. The most difficult thing for family members to do in building a trusting relationship, he said, is to restrict discussion only to the problems that the person with mental illness perceives as problems - not to try to convince them of others. View this 2 part video overview.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdVj8gXsETs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppculi-Os2g

She referred to me as her future husband multiple times and told me she was gonna marry me multiple times without me prompting anything so things were pretty heavy from her.

How did you respond when she said something like this?

I responded with reciprocation and told her that made me feel really happy. I have also told her i understand what she's going through is difficult, and i am here with her multiple times. Told her I'm not abandoning her. To which she said thank you nothing more.

Also that i would marry her, and would flirt often about letting me put a ring on it.