Two years later, she's back

[eclectic]

I broke up with mine after a year back in 2013.  The typical never speak to her again she screamed, and I went through the pain and hurt when I discovered this site.  It took me some time to get over her I would say like 9 months where thoughts of her wouldn't cross my mind.  I had sent little text to her over the years like holidays and birthdays.  Sometimes I would get a response and sometimes not. Well for the past month we have been talking and we talked about everything in the past and how I felt about it, she has been great just like in the beginning before. The difference is this time I am much more skeptical of her, so I'm avoiding getting to close just enjoying the moment and when its over its over.  Today she tells me she can't talk to me anymore, I was so over it from last time, I really didn't care.  I told her if that is what she wanted that's fine, but I am done chasing her and wouldn't be doing that, so if she never wanted to speak to me again I am perfectly ok with that.  It was difficult the first time, but it won't be nearly as hard this time, I'm fine with it.  She was floored, she said really you would just let me go like that, and I told her yes, I'm not going to keep doing this with you. She immediately changed the subject and didn't bring it up again and went back to being sweet. Thing about what I told her I meant it, and I believe she could tell I meant it! Basically I just want you guys to know it can and will get much better, once your healed.  What she put me through the first time, the pain, the sudden rejection, after that I feel unstoppable.  I chose to talk to her again because she have great things about her and we had great times, but I am fully prepared to handle her actions this time around.

[Joem678]

Does it look like she wants to reconcile?  Are YOU considering it?

[nolisan]

Sounds like you are quite healed and healthy but ... .

don't forget these r/s's are like heroin  mixed with nitroglycerin - addictive and dangerous.

Please be very careful.

[hopealways]

Eclectic, you bring up a great point.  If they can tell you really mean it, they WILL shape up. It's just that many of us don't really mean what we say and they are so amazing at reading us (it's part of their survival strategy) that they read right through it.  If you really don't care, a relationship with a BPD can be good because they will not get triggered by engulfment since you don't care.

[once removed]

there is a big difference between emotionally detaching, and therefore being better equipped to navigate a friendly relationship, and actively "not caring" as a strategy within that relationship. believe me, i tried it. it was a good boundary that you set, eclectic, and it sounds like her sense of abandonment was triggered (not your fault or something you did wrong). your boundary got results. but it does not always work that way, and this conversation could be held or used against you in the future. being fully prepared to "handle her actions" entails an awful lot, including handling your own actions. you mention that for the past month the two of you have communicated about your past and how you felt. that indicates there may be unresolved feelings on your end. she reacted by saying she couldnt talk to you (push) and you responded by saying "fine then" (push) to which she reacted with shock and sweetness (pull). your attitude may have changed; the dynamic sounds like it may still be present. be mindful of this.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey eclectic, Are you considering a recycle?  Many of us (including me) have done it.  If you are, what makes you think it will turn out differently this time?

LuckyJim

[antelope]

  I had sent little text to her over the years like holidays and birthdays. 

why?

I salute you for establishing boundaries and remaining firm    However, texting her 'merry xmas' and 'happy bday' seem, pardon me for saying this, manipulative and coercive, esp if she was so toxic in the past. 

Seems like you may have had a somewhat vengeful agenda with those little infrequent hellos since the breakup, and maybe it was to set the situation up so you could reject her like you recently did... .

please take no offense from my viewpoint, just food for thought 

[Joem678]

I don't think there was any malicious intent.  I think what we fail to realize is that they really can't stay connected to us.  Where we feel that we are just being friendly it is actually a potential for recycling.  If I knew this initially, my 19 year marriage would never have happened.