Magical Thinking

[TheRealJongoBong]

My wife's primary method of therapy is magical thinking. You might remember that she experienced a psychotic break at the end of the summer, was prescribed medication and urged to go into therapy and psychiatrist visits. She stopped her meds, never went to the psych and went to a therapist twice. She also said more than once that it was my behavior that led her to her break. Anyway, over the years that I have known her she has slowly developed a worldview where she believes that we all live in a dream, that we have all created this dream, that we never die but cycle through this dream until we learn our "lessons". The worldview also includes the belief that we aren't separate individuals but only one conciousness, and once we (oops, I mean I) realize this everything will become perfect. Or something like that, I'm not very good at magic.

On top of this she is an ardent supporter of all of the word-salad gurus such as Alan Watts and David Hawking. These guys use lots of big words to say virtually nothing, make vast conclusions on no evidence, and use belittling language towards anyone who might question their thinking. As I'm writing this I am realizing that my wife uses this approach on me too.

On New Years day she force fed me the first lesson in the Course of Miracles, which she considers to be the penultimate truth in the universe. The first lesson, if you care to know, is that everything you experience has no meaning. My wife has told me more than once that I won't "heal" and become "my authentic self" until I make the Course my entire life.

Well, for the first time I felt violated because she basically gave me no choice to listen to this. At close to the same time I found a boundary that I can't cross. I cannot and will not follow her into her magical thinking. She is free to seek her version of truth anywhere she finds it. but so am I. I only hope that as she continues her journey into the land of fa la la that she will come back and say hi sometime.

Magical thinking is a double edged sword and I don't really know where to draw the line. In my opinion my wife has clearly crossed a bit to far, but everybody has magical thinking. Anyone who practises any religion is technically guilty of magical thinking. My MC speaks to my wife and I after some exercise and says "I thought I felt a connection between you two, did you?". That's magical thinking because I'm the only one who generates feelings in my head - I may or may not feel "connected" but that doesn't actually mean anything. It's magical thinking to believe that life means anything more than trying to pass your genes on to the next generation, and that you are here only as a means to that end.

Those who study magical thinking say that having too little magical thinking in your life is as bad as having too much. My experiences with my wife have forced me to confront almost every instance of magical thinking in my life and throw it away, because if I can't accept hers how can I accept mine? And if I do that how do I deal with everyone else in the world to whom magical thinking is a central part of their existance?

That's probably enough philosphy for the day. I'll just practise my first lesson - nothing has any meaning.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

My dBPDh gives most of his existence over to magical thinking that sometimes when he is under increased stress crosses over into delusional thoughts.

The reason he lives life like this is because most of how he exists in the world is informed by fear and anxiety. Magical thinking sort of wards off his anxiety, allows him to navigate the vagaries and contrariness of the world in a bubble that is defined by his own magical thought processes. It protects him.

My h's preoccupation is with all aspects of time, time travel and anything related to this theme. It runs through every aspect of his life. Sometimes the 'signs' he experiences appear to confirm his thought processes and are positive and sometimes when psychosis takes hold, the 'signs' become portents of doom. ( he's usually hospitalised when this happens )

What I have learnt to do over the years, is to excuse myself from what I call his 'sermonising' by saying that I don't want to talk about these things with him. I'm not unkind, but I don't want to listen to the same stuff on a loop, and yes sometimes he is triggered by my withdrawal.

If he appears to be distressed however I will listen and try and validate where I can. I also use his level of immersement in these thoughts as a gauge to how stressed he is. If he is completely preoccupied by it I know some dysregulated behaviour is not far away. I have learnt to accept that this is how he lives in the world, but I too often engage in magical thinking when I find myself wishing things were different.

[Sunfl0wer]

My T suggested I read the book Magical Thinking when I was recovering from the loss of my break up.  I can see how my desire to have, in the relationship, what is not possible, has been a form of magical thinking on my part to avoid the sense of loss that I would incur had I had more RA at the time.

I believe a bit of magical thinking... .

... .kept me hoping things would change and 'work out'

... .kept me thinking my efforts in the r/s would reap the rewards of loyalty and stability

[TheRealJongoBong]

The reason he lives life like this is because most of how he exists in the world is informed by fear and anxiety.

I quite agree with this one. As far as I can tell my wife uses her magical thinking to construct an impregnable fortress where she will never be vulnerable.

[Jessica84]

  Thank you RealJongo. This line just made my day ~~> "I only hope that as she continues her journey into the land of fa la la that she will come back and say hi sometime."

Sorry. Not laughing at your situation. I'm sure it is frustrating. You write so well I almost choked on my sandwich! I do know the feeling when it comes to beliefs. Mine is incredibly superstitious so anything can be interpreted as a "sign" - and those signs can spur impulsive decisions and actions. Usually not good ones.

The magical thinking sounds like a way of escaping reality. We all engage in this to some extent. I daydream about living in a hut on a beach selling seashells! I would never survive like that, but the thought brings me peace. Life can be harsh, even for us nons. For a pwBPD it must be a living nightmare.

It is difficult for a pwBPD to "agree to disagree", but you are allowed to have your beliefs and she hers. I can't think of a good way for you to say this to her though. That pesky black and white thinking means one of you has to be right, and one wrong. Maybe something like "that is very interesting. I'll ponder on that."... .and then go ponder on something more pleasant, or nothing at all. She doesn't need to know what you're pondering on!

[Ceruleanblue]

Love your post. Sorry you are having to deal with this, but it at least highlighted one trait I don't think BPDh suffers from. I've never noticed magical thinking, per se. Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results, yes, but magical thinking, I don't think so. He's not terribly superstitious, and in some ways he seems to have the opposite of magical thinking, in that he doesn't believe in much of anything.

I'm sure if he had magical thinking, I'd have a hard time having his views forced upon me. I'm big on compromise, and have often been a doormat, but my beliefs are MINE! I think it's good to listen to a partners life views and beliefs, but it sounds like the issue in those with BPD is they don't just leave it at that.

You have my admiration for dealing with this hard issue.

[Cat Familiar]

In addition to magical thinking, it's fundamentalism: you must believe what I believe.

Hard enough to deal with strangers who try to force their beliefs upon you, whether in the realm of religion, politics or corporate life. I'm sorry you have to deal with this with your wife.

I can see you don't want to encourage her wacky beliefs, yet you're trying to be respectful.

My husband has given up trying to interest me in Buddhism. I attended one event with him many years ago and it was like watching paint dry. I kept looking out the window and regretting that I couldn't be outside, enjoying a beautiful sunny day, worshipping nature in all its glory.

[TheRealJongoBong]

I believe a bit of magical thinking... .

... .kept me hoping things would change and 'work out'

... .kept me thinking my efforts in the r/s would reap the rewards of loyalty and stability

These thoughts were definitely mine for a long time. "Surely", I thought, "I will just do my usual job of giving more and more and then (magic) it will all get better!"