Struggling today

[james_s]

It is 8 months since I ended my relationship with a very high functioning BPD ex and remained in strict NC.

Things are overall better, but there are still bad days. Today is one of them.

During what has been the most difficult period of my life, I have been working hard on myself to identify and try to address my internal issues and things I did wrong, what lead me to stay for so long in what was in significant parts, an abusive relationship. As in many of our stories here, there were days filled with aggression, put downs, isolation, rage, there was frequent violence from her side. I involved counsellors but without insight, there was no improvement. The end, as in many stories on this incredibly insightful website, was not pretty.

As those of you who read my earlier entries know, due to her job visa issues, we had to get married early on in the relationship. It also meant that the moment I called the relationship off, she had to move 15000km and start over. You can imagine the responsibility and subsequent guilt that created. The divorce will come through in the next few months.

I think we both tried incredibly hard to make it work. She made a considerable effort to "not repeat mistakes from the past" (obvious now, it wasn't then) and gambled on me being the answer to all her problems (her "perfect man". I put in all the time, love, care and resources I could to make it work. Looking back now, some of the things we accomplished against odds were magnificent.

My issue is that even at the end, I was not devalued consistently. Even at the end, 80% of the time, my most beautiful, caring, thoughtful partner was by my side, loving me. But then the curtains would come down and an abusive monster would come out. Like a puppy that bites, I was powerless to change it. Maybe I could even deal with the insults and aggression but I could not let my future children have to deal with it. I had to walk away when the violence continued.

The thing is, I wasn't happy before I met her. She came into my life at a very vulnerable stage. I felt reborn, walked on clouds in the early stages of the relationship. All my external problems seemed to disappear because I had her. With her, I was incredibly stressed, emotionally drained (something felt "unreal" from the start) but, I think, happy. Like a drug. That all changed with time. Now that she has gone, I am back to where I was a couple of years ago. And struggling.

At least judging by social media, she has not moved on. Up until recently, all our photos remained up.

I am socialising again. Dating again. But nothing lives up to the excitement, intensity and comfort that my entirely devoted, beautiful BPD ex provided in the good times. So for now, it's just another empty, lonely day and the struggle continues. Hoping for things to improve for all of us.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi james_s.

It's nice to meet you.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a really bad day and feeling such loneliness. I found solace with my BPDxbf as you did and then found myself feeling a tremendous loneliness when our relationship ended. In the beginning, every day was a bad day, but as time has gone on and I have reflected upon myself and the relationship, the number of good days have gradually increased.

You have made a hard decision and displayed a great deal of courage. You made your decision from wise-mind rather than allowing your emotions to dictate your actions. That is admirable.

I am socialising again. Dating again. But nothing lives up to the excitement, intensity and comfort that my entirely devoted, beautiful BPD ex provided in the good times.

I know what you mean here. I also felt that no one else could ever match up. However, when I started to look beneath the excitement and intensity, what I found was pain. My BPDxbf was triggering insecurity, fear and anxiety. What I thought was 'love' was very heavily tinged with other emotions. Do you think this might be the case for you?

I'm not sure whether this will be relevant for you, but I keep thinking about rituals for cutting the ties that bind us to people. I don't mean anything religious. I mean something that you devise for yourself to honour the good in your wife, yourself and your relationship whilst also acknowledging the real challenges that you faced whilst together. Something that would incorporate gratitude for the good times, reflection upon what you have learnt about yourself as a result of the relationship and definition of what you hope for in the future. Do you feel something like that might help a little?

Love Lifewriter

[james_s]

Nice to meet you too Lifewriter16. Thanks for your kind words.

How far along are you out of the relationship?

I definitely think the relationship sparked feelings I never had before and there was a degree of drama, fear and anxiety which was unusual. There was never a feeling of relaxed, comfortable love, that I assume a healthy relationship has a lot of. Having said that, I never felt consistently devalued. The relationship was inconsistent, there were frequent outbursts and aggression but even at the end, in the last few days, there were huge declarations of love, caring gestures, thoughtful actions.

I think accepting the good and bad as one entity, a way to reflect in a relaxed and non analysing way would be helpful. Did you manage to do it?