My mother has BPD and I'm feeling lost

[Swan22]

Hi, I'm 25 years old and have a beautiful wife who is an amazing support and we live with our two cats and turtle.

My mother has BPD which has been diagnosed by multiple psychiatrists and therapists in the last five years or so. But before that, I had my suspicions. My mother was very abusive emotionally and verbally, and on occasion physically. I grew up an only child so I was both the "all good" and "all bad" child. My mother would praise me and my strength, smarts, creativity, ect. one moment (and often in public), and then tell me how worthless, unwanted, and weak I was the next.

I grew up with threats of abandonment almost every time I was in trouble. She would say she was going to send me off to some relative, to boarding school, or put me in foster care or up for adoption. That was what I had to think about while in time out which consisted of sitting in a corner, staring at the wall, and thinking of what punishment I deserved.

I was also pulled into my parents fights, and was often blamed for them by my mother. She wanted me to play monitor, but take her side. She threatened divorce almost every time they fought.

These aren't my darkest memories by any means, but it paints a picture of the unstable environment I grew up in. My mother had a very abusive childhood herself, so until my early adulthood, I considered myself lucky that I didn't have that kind of abuse (this line of thinking was planted by my mother). She never got the help she needed during my childhood.

I had a wonderful relationship with my father, though we certainly had things to work through as we both got into therapy after my mother kicked us both out following the worst fight I had witnessed between them resulting in me and my fiancee (now wife) calling the police while locked in my bedroom.

But my father and I worked through our issues, and were closer than ever when he passed away very suddenly after an arrhythmia put him in a coma for a week. We were not in contact with my mother at the time, but as the situation was so serious and she was still legally his wife, that situation put me back into contact with my mother. This was about a year and a half ago now.

My mother suffers from a large range of other health issues, aside from her BPD. She is a recovering addict, is severely diabetic, has had multiple cases of MRSA, and high blood preasure, among other ailments and she has been in and out of the hospital a lot in the last year and a half we have been back in contact. But she refuses to take care of herself the right way. She does have a therapist and psychiatrist, and she is on better medications to deal with her BPD, but she still has rage outbursts and demonstrates the full range of BPD characteristics. She has memory damage on top of the BPD which makes setting boundaries extra difficult. She also  romanticizes relationships with unavailable men or men who treat her badly, when she has a boyfriend who loves her and takes care of her despite the way she treats him. And she expects me to be her daughter, best friend, mother, and therapist.

I have PTSD as a result of my childhood, and that turned into what is known as Mind Body Syndrome or MBS, which is a condition where your body presents physical symptoms to emotional pain. The last thing I need in my life is more stress and unfortunately, my mother is often the cause of that unwanted stress.

The latest being that this morning, I got a text that she has driven to visit a man she is infatuated with who lives several states away. She did this about a year ago, and got a MRSA infection in her toe (which eventually had to be amputated), and she had to go to the local hospital. This "perfect guy" was rarely at the hospital and my mother ended up having to stay in a hotel to recover before driving home. And thus began a year of ER and hospital stays for my mother.

And now she is doing the same thing a few months after her second toe amputation.

So here I am, trying to keep my PTSD and MBS symptoms at rest, while she is risking her health and these risks could leave me a young adult orphan. She has taken off after promising not to do that again. After promising my father she would be here for me the way she never was as he lay dying. And I know that I am not in control of her actions, and that I am only in control of my own, but i wish that she would think of the consequences her actions could have for me. I wish she would think like a mother.

I am grateful to find another outlet, and look forward to meeting others who will understand the challenges I'm facing.

Wishing each and every one of you peace, joy, and love.

[Rock Chick]

Hello Swan22 

Welcome to the forum! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and story with us! This is a great place full of wonderful ppl! Reading your post here I felt like one was talking about my boyfriends mother and what my bf went threw up til this point in life. And although not 100% identical to what you shared with us (my boyfriend and i cuz of his severely severely BPD mother) about what you went threw etc here its pretty close what we have dealt with esp as time goes on. It's nice to know we are not alone. I look forward to your reading your future posts.

[Turkish]

Hello Sean22,

I'm the only child as well, and can relate to the splitting between scapegoat and good child. It used to drive me nuts when my mom would bask in the glory of my accomplishments, and soak up the compliments adults would give her about me. This alternated with, "sometimes I wish o had never adopted you!" Or, "people think you are so great, but they don't know the real Turkish like I do!" The funny thing is that people back then who were close saw her craziness.

Maybe your mother meant those things when she told your dad, maybe she didn't. To pwBPD, feelings are facts; consequently, the "facts" change with their feelings. Her BPD impulsive behaviors must drive you nuts. Do you worry for her safety given her track record of impulsivity?

T.

[Amelia]

I know that I am not in control of her actions, and that I am only in control of my own, but i wish that she would think of the consequences her actions could have for me. I wish she would think like a mother.

I wanted to tell you that I found this sentence to be particularly poignant and meaningful. I have often felt or said that I wish my mother could just act like a mother. The thing that is so twisted is she will say to anyone who listens that she is a wonderful mother and it's the only thing she's ever done right in her life. That her kids are the most important thing in the world to her. So she says one thing and everyone thinks she is wonderful, yet her behaviour toward my brother and I sends a very different message.

Wishing you peace through this difficult time. I hope your mother is safe wherever she is and whoever she is with. They are her choices that she is making.

[Swan22]

Thank you all for your words of support,

And although not 100% identical to what you shared with us (my boyfriend and i cuz of his severely severely BPD mother) about what you went threw etc here its pretty close what we have dealt with esp as time goes on. It's nice to know we are not alone.

 Hi Rock Chick,

my wife and I have been together since we were 17, so she has been through a lot of my mother's ups and downs. My wife was actually the one who brought the BPD diagnosis to my attention. I knew something was wrong, but didn't know what it was. Your boyfriend is lucky to have you. I am thankful every single day that my wife is part of my life.

My mother hated my wife because she was jealous and threatened, and she treated my then girlfriend terribly. My mother went so far as to say "it's me or her!" multiple times. And she meant it at the time. I always stood by my partner, but it was so painful to see my mother trying to break up the best relationship I'd ever been in. My mother didn't like the strength, support, or self-esteem the relationship gave me. My other now, better medicated, has admitted to the jealousy and fear. But she still oversteps in our relationship. She also doesn't like to look at the past, so there are often mixed messages.

My wife has put up with a lot, and the fact that she fought for me helped me realize I was worth fighting for. She is extremely strong, and so are you. The fact that you are here is a testament to your strength and courage. I wish you and your bf all the best, and I'm glad I could help you feel validated.

Her BPD impulsive behaviors must drive you nuts. Do you worry for her safety given her track record of impulsivity?

 Hi Turkish,

I worry every day that my mother's impulsivity has and will shorten her life. She promises that she is taking care of herself, and I know she is not, but the worst part is she truly believes that she is. And when she does get sick, it is happening to her. She is the victim. She never has any responsibility for her health.

And it hurts me because she knows that if she dies, I will be an adult orphan at a very young age. She makes promises that she'll never leave me, the same promises that she made my father as he was slipping away, but she can't keep the simplest promise like eating the proper diet for a diabetic. Yet she really believes that she is doing everything right! It's exhausting and maddening. She also expects me to be her caretaker, that it is my responsibility. Even when I am not feeling able to respond.

I often feel like my mother chose to have a child so she would have a best friend she could mold who would never be able to leave her, not to be a mother. And I understand the feeling of people seeing her craziness and just accepting that she was an "intense" or "passionate" person. Up until my early adulthood, people would enable the way she treated me and the way she acted.

It must have really hurt to have your mother say she wished she'd never adopted you and pass judgement on who you are. I'm sorry  BPD mothers have a knack for pushing buttons that will hurt the most. For me, I was bullied as a kid and my mother would say they were right to bully me. I was weak. 

The thing that is so twisted is she will say to anyone who listens that she is a wonderful mother and it's the only thing she's ever done right in her life. That her kids are the most important thing in the world to her. So she says one thing and everyone thinks she is wonderful, yet her behaviour toward my brother and I sends a very different message.

 Amelia, this is a dead ringer for my own mom. She tells people I am her Magnum Opus (great work) and the best thing she has ever done. And then behind closed doors, I was worthless and a nuisance and a burden. I still struggle with feeling lesser, but I try to have compassion and love for myself as if I were talking to my inner child. I try to be the mother to myself that my mother can't be.

Thank you for wishing me and my mother well. I hope she is safe too, but you are right, these are her choices. I am powerless over her and while her actions can have consequences that affect me, I can choose how much I allow them to.

Wishing you all many blessings!  

[Rock Chick]

my wife and I have been together since we were 17, so she has been through a lot of my mother's ups and downs. My wife was actually the one who brought the BPD diagnosis to my attention. I knew something was wrong, but didn't know what it was. Your boyfriend is lucky to have you. I am thankful every single day that my wife is part of my life.

Wow since 17 thats so cool. My boyfriend and I have been together for over year and a half. I have seen/been through the many downs and a few lil ups for sure. I was also the one to recognize that my boyfriends mothers behavior, actions, emotions, etc (she ticked at least 8 of the 9 on the list mental health professionals use to diagnose BPD) over all this time is because she suffers from being severely BPD. When you've watched a family member (and a friend) for over 20 of their 30 something yrs suffer from BPD etc you recognize BPD in others fairly instantly well for me anyways (& I've educated myself over time too not just watching my family member and friend).

My mother hated my wife because she was jealous and threatened, and she treated my then girlfriend terribly. My mother went so far as to say "it's me or her!" multiple times. And she meant it at the time. I always stood by my partner, but it was so painful to see my mother trying to break up the best relationship I'd ever been in. My mother didn't like the strength, support, or self-esteem the relationship gave me. My other now, better medicated, has admitted to the jealousy and fear. But she still oversteps in our relationship. She also doesn't like to look at the past, so there are often mixed messages.

Oh yes jealousy I know it well. My BPD is very jealous of me, my relationship I have with her son, her sons relationship with my family, of everything my bf and I go out and do (even jealous of when we go out to eat or he buys a dvd to watch), jealous of what lil money her son has, jealous of the positive things that have happened in her sons life (when got his current job, possibility of new better job, took his drivers test, got his license, got car insurance), jealous when he wins on one those scratch off lotto tickets, jealous of time spends with his sister/dad/brother and so much more. She also I think feels threatened too and can't get over that her son is an adult now and 30 and deserves to have a life and go out into the world. She acts like her son is actually her parent or a spouse and that he must do everything and anything for her and be glued to her side for life. She hasnt yet well that I can remember given us the it's her or me words yet but she has said 'your no longer my son', 'why dont you go be apart of her family since your not mine', 'i'm gonna call the cops get out of my house go live with your new family'. etc. Ya my boyfriends mother too doesnt like all the love support kindness self esteem etc our relationship has given him and I've given for lack of better words. Oh yes the overstepping into the relationship I know this well... .she gets into our business and ignores the boundaries and limits we set and criticizes her sons and mines relationship even thought she doesnt know what a healthy good relationship is as she has never ever had one with anyone... .parents, siblings, extended family, coworkers, friends, spouse (she divorced over 8 yrs ago), etc.

I worry every day that my mother's impulsivity has and will shorten her life. She promises that she is taking care of herself, and I know she is not, but the worst part is she truly believes that she is. And when she does get sick, it is happening to her. She is the victim. She never has any responsibility for her health. ... .but she can't keep the simplest promise like eating the proper diet for a diabetic. She also expects me to be her caretaker, that it is my responsibility. I often feel like my mother chose to have a child so she would have a best friend she could mold who would never be able to leave her, not to be a mother.

I too worry about my boyfriends mother's impulsivity (she is highly impulsive maybe not to the severe level but highly yes). Her choices are definitely shortening her life and will shorten. She doesn't follow her doctors orders and doesn't take care of herself (poor hygiene  (baths maybe 2 times a month 3 if lucky and even then cant do it without her son helping her despite having no physical limitations to prevent her from doing so)) and her diabetes/mental issues/body/etc and other issues. She also blames everyone and everything else for whats wrong with her and her health and never takes responsibility and thinks always she is the victim and she sometimes just doesn't care enough. Ive said it many times before if she was given the choice by her doctor to cut back on somethings and live another 20 or 40 yrs or continue things how are and live a month she would always choose to live a month (she even has expressed pick month when i asked her a few times). Its so sad but we cant do anything when comes to her health partly cuz of laws and rest because it's her life her body. It hurts so much sometimes to watch her do what she does and choices makes and just watch her push herself closer to end of her life and take herself away from us and her other sons grandkids before her time  for lack better words :'(.

p.s. sorry for loong reply Swan22 and others

[Swan22]

Ive said it many times before if she was given the choice by her doctor to cut back on somethings and live another 20 or 40 yrs or continue things how are and live a month she would always choose to live a month (she even has expressed pick month when i asked her a few times). Its so sad but we cant do anything when comes to her health partly cuz of laws and rest because it's her life her body. It hurts so much sometimes to watch her do what she does and choices makes and just watch her push herself closer to end of her life and take herself away from us and her other sons grandkids before her time  for lack better words :'(.

Please don't feel badly for posting a lot. This is a safe place to talk about the stress and emotional hardships we all face. So, write as much or as little as you want! We all have a lot of things we need to work through.

The last time my mother was in the hospital (about a month and a half ago) she said she just wanted to die. Life was too hard. And I'm scared because I've already lost my father, and I don't want to lose the only "parent" I have. My mother has also attempted suicide at least 3 times.

My mother wasn't in my life (by my own choice) when I got married, and I don't want her to miss other major life events like meeting her grandchildren. Not for her benefit, but because I deserve to have the closest thing to a parent I have support me through that. But she is often willing to check out, even if that means orphaning her only daughter at 25.

I know rationally that there is nothing I can do to make her take care of herself, but emotionally I feel like I'm the only person who can get through. Even though I know it's not true, it's hard to let her make the choices she makes when I know it's shortening her life. And any chance at healing we could have.

It's hard not to feel like a little girl again, just begging my mom to want me. Wanting her to think I'm enough to live for. Wanting her to be a mother to me, and eventually a grandmother to my children.

I recognize that she will always have BPD, but if she'd work on herself more and stop focusing dysfunctional relationships with men, then she could be a better mother to me and have a healthier outlook on life. The problem is that she can feel that way for a minute and then want to just die the next.

Even when she wants to stay alive, she still doesn't take care of herself. She won't eat right or listen to doctors. She spends money she doesn't have. She is reckless. And the worst part is that she really believes she is doing everything she can.   It's so stressful and exhausting.

I'm trying to focus on my life, and my health, but she's always dumping her issues on me.

I have high anxiety much of the time, and it manifests as nausea, vomiting, heart palpitations, insomnia, ect... .I'm working through a lot of my own issues with the help of my doctors and therapist, but every day is a battle. Every day is an uphill climb, trying to find peace with my father's passing, my mother's illness, and my dysfunctional upbringing.

I'm just grateful to have found a place where I can speak freely and find comradery with others who have had similar experiences.