I wish I could be sure I dodged a bullet.

[steelwork]

The end was very bad, very cruel. I've never been so badly treated by someone I loved. It's almost a year later and I'm still traumatized.

But during the relationship I did not go through anything like what others here went through--the abuse and cheating and lying. There were problems, yes, and it was a weird relationship (the weirdness being at least as much my fault as his), but I didn't see his dark side until after he'd (secretly) started up with my replacement. Until then, I saw a person with a traumatic past who had been on a long (fascinating) journey with many wrong turns but who was sorting it all out. I saw a wonderful, irreplaceable, open, funny, brilliant man who adored me.

Then--WHAM.

I was of course blamed for losing his affection, throwing it away, estranging MYSELF, and I readily took that burden on. My grief was SO MUCH worse because of my remorse and What If, and the sadness that I'd caused all that pain to a person I loved, and that I could have had him but now it was too late.

I've mostly sorted out now what my actual role was, as opposed to what he said (and I'm sure felt) it was.

I think what I'm struggling with most now is integrating these two experiences of him: Before and After.

I can't get myself to fully believe that the After person did not suddenly come into being. I did not CREATE that person by not fulfilling Before's needs. After was always there, hidden, dormant. Intellectually, I know this, but it hasn't really penetrated.

In other words, I can't seem to fully convince myself I dodged a bullet.

Does anyone have any advice? Any words? A year later, and it's still not sinking in.

[C.Stein]

In other words, I can't seem to fully convince myself I dodged a bullet.

You well know I am experiencing the same doubt.  Are we dodging a bullet?  This is the burning question when there is more good than bad.  Does that mean the bad isn't there under the good, absolutely not.  Does that mean conditions in their life might mask the bad or bring it to the surface ... .I would say absolutely yes.  This is what I saw with my ex.  The more instability there was in her life, the more the BPD type behavior came out.

Is this something we as NON's can impact ... .I think yes in some ways, no in others.  Sometimes I felt the instability from my ex came within their own mind and it was not necessarily due to external causes.  Certainly I believe there were times when external factors triggered her and I am certain I also triggered her at times.

I think the dodging a bullet question is one of how much can you tolerate and how bad and frequent is behavior.  The one thing you can be confident in is the knowledge that life will throw curve balls at you and this will potentially result in a trigger.  I think most will say there is no safe bet with a pwBPD, you just have to prepare yourself for the ride if you choose to "put your money" on them.

[lovenature]

I would recommend you keep reading and learning about BPD; look at how similar the stories are, what so many others have gone through and the end result. Check out the staying board to see how they are doing.

Sadly, the closer you get and the more you love them, the more you trigger their fear of engulfment and they push you away; then their fear of abandonment is realized and they pull you back. Without years of therapy there is no way for a healthy, mature, intimate, reciprocal relationship to be possible (most refuse therapy because they believe their partner is the problem). Is it really worthwhile being in a relationship where the better you treat your partner, the worse they treat you?

Focus on you; look at why you still have the feelings you do, and why you accepted what you did and stayed in the relationship. You can't change a person, only they can change themselves.

[Alberto]

The end was very bad, very cruel. I've never been so badly treated by someone I loved. It's almost a year later and I'm still traumatized.

But during the relationship I did not go through anything like what others here went through--the abuse and cheating and lying. There were problems, yes, and it was a weird relationship (the weirdness being at least as much my fault as his), but I didn't see his dark side until after he'd (secretly) started up with my replacement. Until then, I saw a person with a traumatic past who had been on a long (fascinating) journey with many wrong turns but who was sorting it all out. I saw a wonderful, irreplaceable, open, funny, brilliant man who adored me.

Then--WHAM.

I was of course blamed for losing his affection, throwing it away, estranging MYSELF, and I readily took that burden on. My grief was SO MUCH worse because of my remorse and What If, and the sadness that I'd caused all that pain to a person I loved, and that I could have had him but now it was too late.

I've mostly sorted out now what my actual role was, as opposed to what he said (and I'm sure felt) it was.

I think what I'm struggling with most now is integrating these two experiences of him: Before and After.

I can't get myself to fully believe that the After person did not suddenly come into being. I did not CREATE that person by not fulfilling Before's needs. After was always there, hidden, dormant. Intellectually, I know this, but it hasn't really penetrated.

In other words, I can't seem to fully convince myself I dodged a bullet.

Does anyone have any advice? Any words? A year later, and it's still not sinking in.

It will never fully sink in, because you are trying to explain logically a disordered thought process. The after person is an anxiety riddled functional individual trying to rationalize his emotional irrationality.

You will never have the tools or the ability to solely carry the relationship and compensate his lack of capacity for real intimacy. There's nothing else you could do.

At the end of the day, when 2 persons want to be together, they are together. That's the thing you really need to let sink in.

[steelwork]

You will never have the tools or the ability to solely carry the relationship and compensate his lack of capacity for real intimacy. There's nothing else you could do.

At the end of the day, when 2 persons want to be together, they are together. That's the thing you really need to let sink in.

Thanks--it's always good to be reminded.

I accept that the relationship isn't going to be salvaged, and that the person he is now isn't someone I'd want to be with anyhow. I guess what I'm having trouble with is self-blame? Like--that I actually broke him?

Another way to think of it is that I can't stop imagining he really was that Before person, through and through, and that he might have stayed that way if I had held up my end.

I know that sounds crazy and a little megalomaniacal. I think it's hard reading your stories because it seems like pretty much everyone had very bad experiences at some point while in the relationship--at least toward the end. For me that switch only flipped when he was dumping me.

[Skip]

In other words, I can't seem to fully convince myself I dodged a bullet.

Does anyone have any advice? Any words? A year later, and it's still not sinking in.

If we build our recovery on the belief that our partner was so defective that we are better off by being spurned, it is a weak foundation of healing. We will always struggle.

Forget about BPD for a moment.

Lets say you dated an accomplished surfer and you were a successful Wall Street investment banker.  And lets say that her free spirit, follow the waves core conflicted with your upper east side life style.  Is the end of this relationship "dodging a bullet" or is it recognizing that there is a significant incompatibility of people.

Anyway, long example (sorry), but I would let go of the "dodging a bullet" foundation and think of it as "significant incompatibility".

This is clear. Its indisputable. Its responsible.

Hope that helps... .

[steelwork]

That does help, Skip. Thanks! It REALLY DOES!

Now if I could just stop imagining I broke him... .but that's nuts. I know it is.