In a romantic relationship with a 31yo female. Despite the pain the love stays.

[ddfnj]

I am a 44yo male.  I am divorced with three children - 15yo,and 13 yo daughters and an 8 yo son who live with their mother. On July 3rd, 2015 I met a 31 yo beautiful woman with no children, never been married or even engaged.  We quickly fell in love.  She started talking about marriage week 3.  And honestly it was welcome.  I had never felt this way before so quickly and she stated the same.  She said she never even wanted to get married or have children.  She still didnt want children and that was fine by me.  I quickly met her parents who took a liking to me.  I should have known that when I spoke to her mother for the first time she said ":)on't get too comfortable."  that her daughter doesn't need anyone.  I recently went on vacation to Mexico with her family for the Thanksgiving holiday and interestingly not a single episode occurred.  Even some disagreements arose which surely would have been a fight for days and a breakup but only lasted 15min in Mexico staying in a large house with her family.

The next few months were filled with us getting really close then for ridiculous reasons fights would erupt out of nowhere and she would break up with me.  This happened at least 15 times, in the last five months.  She has multiple times told me she loved me and wants too marry me to the next day she hates me and never wants to see me again. She has always had extreme anger with a twitchy trigger finger. She has extreme anger for several days and when I finally give up she wants me back.

She has emotionally, verbally and recently physically abused me.  She has called me dozens of times the following; Scumbag.  Loser. Liar. Piece of. Retard.  Idiot.  Evil. Malicious.

Lately I am a liar about everything.  I have even proved her many times with hard evidence that I wasn't lying but a lot of the times she won't even look at it.  She has even feigned snubbing me with three knives simply because I lost my cool and screamed back at her as long as I could ":)ONT SCREAM AT ME"

She constantly projects everything.  She was even the one who basically led me to the knowledge of what a borderline even was when she accused me of being a borderline because she claimed her therapist told me I was one and to get away from me.  This prompted me to look it up and I realized it was almost describing exactly all her behaviors.

Now on the good side, when she isn't angry which is about half the time, she is the most sweet, caring, loving person I haver ever met.  Sex is absolutely amazing and addictive.  She refused to meet my children until month three but now when she is around them she is the most amazing mother.  

She has a dog that she absolutely adores and always tells me how much more the dog is loved.  She even now has two cats.  She is also a hardcore Vegan.

She sometimes has said she thinks she may be happier alone.  And cites she was single for a year and a half before me.  She really seems to enjoy her alone time.  This doesn't seem to be in line with the borderline personality type considering they fear abandonment.  She seems to actually welcome it.  

I can't seem to break away and stop loving.  I feel like I'm under spell and it cannot be broken.  I feel helpless at times.  

A testament to this feeling is I'm not joining this group because I want to learn how to break free.  I want to learn how to deal with her the best way to minimize these "episodes" in which a simple disagreement turns into an all out war with a break up lasting from several days to two weeks at one point.

Feeling sick and crazy.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chilibean13]

Welcome to the board. Your story sounds very familiar to many of the stories here. THe thing I like about this board is that we cannot encouarge each other to leave but instead to find ways to learn to handle ourselves so we can better handle the outbursts from our pwBPD.

I would suggest starting with the Lessons. There's a lot of helpful info on various topics. It's a lot to wrap your mind around. Also, since you mentioned physical violence, set a plan. you can find help with that by clicking the "Safety First" link.

One thing I've gotten most from this board is changing the way I respond. I may be the normal thinking one, but I still played a role in my uBPDh behavior. My guess is you probably play a role in your gf behavior too. Before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse. That's where the lessons come in.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Empathy,  if she care empathsize with your feelings then managing the relationship and staying are very possible, and encouraged.  If not it will all be about BPD and her needs.  No matter how amazing and good intentioned, you will become resentful.,  you tube Jade,  and validation communication styles.  They work.  Yet again it doesn't mean its a healthy relationship,  good luck

[babyducks]

I wanted to join Chilibean13 and AsGoodAsItGets in welcoming you to the bpdfamily.   I am sorry you are experiencing such difficulties in your relationship but I certainly understand exactly what you are describing.   I've been there too.   Arguments that were awe inspiring for their lack of rationality.   Emotions/Moods that can and did turn on a dime.   And an attachment that felt to me, incredibly and undeniably strong.

Chilibean mentioned safety first.   No one comes into a relationship prepared to deal with abuse.  It's the very last thing on anyone's mind.   Everyone believes that their relationship will never get that bad or that somehow we will instinctively know how to handle things.   No matter how cool and level headed we all will eventually fail under pressure.    Take a look at this link:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

There is a lot to understand about the disorder of BPD.   I frequently say people who suffer from BPD process life entirely differently than we do, which is a way of summarizing that we often seem to be less emotionally driven and often logically oriented and they experience intense emotions that are very liable.   That is one of the things that first attracted me to my partner, her highly intense emotions.  Intense emotions can create high conflict.  There are tools and skills that can help us respond to high conflict.   Chilibean and AsGoodAsItGets both mentioned some of them.

What do you think?   Make some sense?

'ducks