Slapping at the iPhone during FaceTime: Is this a thing?

[SweetCharlotte]

I agree with the recent thread that the holidays offer more acute BPD behavior for us nons to confront.

My uBPDh did something new last weekend. We have a commuter marriage, and last weekend we were not together, but were looking forward to his staying with me next weekend. We will be able to find and trim a tree together, which we have never done before because we haven't been able to spend a weekend together between Thanksgiving and Christmas before. He was doing better financially, so he was able to purchase a flight.

Then, trouble. He received some unexpected bills that came to my place instead of his because my home is on file for certain creditors, like the tax man. The bills were actually a clerical error and nothing of concern, but he flipped out. He accused me of not sending him the bills in a timely fashion and of creating the whole mess. He was nasty to me as I scrambled to find the data he needed (instead of watching one of my favorite TV shows that is on Sunday night). We were on FaceTime as I did this work for him, finding the documents, scanning them, and emailing them. I was exhausted but there was no "please" or "thanks" coming from him, just "You need to scan and send this." I asked him to be more courteous, and he started yelling and actually SLAPPED AT THE PHONE SCREEN!

Has anyone else encountered this new form of abuse? I was a little scared that it meant he was escalating to physical abuse. He has never hit me or hurt me in any way. He knows that this is a boundary of mine. So I guess he has found a way to tread on the verge. Is this a real threat of physical assault?

It hurt my feelings too because it was like saying, "I wish I could smack you right now." He had never even expressed a wish verbally to hit me before.

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[tryingtogetit]

I'd say it's a 'thing' alright.

Does it mean he'd hit you instead next time? I don't know. But does that matter?

Implied violence is violence too, it serves the same purpose and has the same results.

What to do now is the question?

[SweetCharlotte]

I am supposed to forget that it happened, as with other forms of abusive treatment. Learned amnesia.

However, I would like to ask him what he meant by the slapping gesture, without igniting the fire again.

Often he doesn't remember words and gestures from when he was in a rage. If he does remember, it was all completely my fault and I am responsible for his behavior, because of my "extreme cruelty."

[SweetCharlotte]

Asked him about it and he said a roach was crawling on the phone.

I've never seen bugs at his place, so I kinda doubt that. 

[SweetCharlotte]

I'd say it's a 'thing' alright.

Does it mean he'd hit you instead next time? I don't know. But does that matter?

Implied violence is violence too, it serves the same purpose and has the same results.

What to do now is the question?

Thanks for your reaction, but I don't think that's correct. There's a big difference between a violent gesture and a violent act. Ask any battered wife and they can tell you. Gestures don't put you in the hospital.

It definitely concerns me that he made this gesture. I'm not speaking to him on FaceTime or Skype until he promises not to do it again. When we are together again this weekend, I will broach the topic with him, hopefully without triggering him again. It should be a fun tree-trimming weekend, yes-sir-ree!

[unicorn2014]

I'm in a LDR and prior to EMDR and medication my pwBPD used to throw the iPhone during facetime calls if he got dysregulated. Last night we were actually joking about all the awful screens I had to look at when he got dysregulated and turned the camera around and it had pointed at some random object like a bunch of cords. That was before BPD family. Today I would not tolerate that kind of behavior. I'm not familiar with your story so forgive me for asking, has your husband or is your husband undergoing any kind of treatment?

[SweetCharlotte]

I'm in a LDR and prior to EMDR and medication my pwBPD used to throw the iPhone during facetime calls if he got dysregulated. Last night we were actually joking about all the awful screens I had to look at when he got dysregulated and turned the camera around and it had pointed at some random object like a bunch of cords. That was before BPD family. Today I would not tolerate that kind of behavior. I'm not familiar with your story so forgive me for asking, has your husband or is your husband undergoing any kind of treatment?

Oh yes, I know about the weird screens from this one call. After he slapped the phone, the screen showed the ceiling of his apartment.

No, he is not in treatment. He is undiagnosed. Doesn't trust mental health care providers. I see a therapist sporadically for help in dealing with him and other aspects of my life (my diagnosis is "Adjustment Disorder" because of everything I am dealing with, past and present).

[flourdust]

I'm in a LDR and prior to EMDR and medication my pwBPD used to throw the iPhone during facetime calls if he got dysregulated. Last night we were actually joking about all the awful screens I had to look at when he got dysregulated and turned the camera around and it had pointed at some random object like a bunch of cords. That was before BPD family. Today I would not tolerate that kind of behavior. I'm not familiar with your story so forgive me for asking, has your husband or is your husband undergoing any kind of treatment?

Oh yes, I know about the weird screens from this one call. After he slapped the phone, the screen showed the ceiling of his apartment.

No, he is not in treatment. He is undiagnosed. Doesn't trust mental health care providers. I see a therapist sporadically for help in dealing with him and other aspects of my life (my diagnosis is "Adjustment Disorder" because of everything I am dealing with, past and present).

Heh. That's what they gave me, too. It's the code for "this person isn't mentally ill, but we need to bill insurance."

[unicorn2014]

I'm in a LDR and prior to EMDR and medication my pwBPD used to throw the iPhone during facetime calls if he got dysregulated. Last night we were actually joking about all the awful screens I had to look at when he got dysregulated and turned the camera around and it had pointed at some random object like a bunch of cords. That was before BPD family. Today I would not tolerate that kind of behavior. I'm not familiar with your story so forgive me for asking, has your husband or is your husband undergoing any kind of treatment?

Oh yes, I know about the weird screens from this one call. After he slapped the phone, the screen showed the ceiling of his apartment.

No, he is not in treatment. He is undiagnosed. Doesn't trust mental health care providers. I see a therapist sporadically for help in dealing with him and other aspects of my life (my diagnosis is "Adjustment Disorder" because of everything I am dealing with, past and present).

Sweet Charlotte, I hope that my experience, strength and hope can help you. I can say that things do get better, in my case because my partner got treated for ptsd with emdr and also started taking a drug that helps slow down his reaction time. Now we can joke about those things, but when it was happening it was very scary. I often thought he was hypnotic like a snake charmer. The good thing is you are here on BPD family and we can help you through this. I did not have BPD family at the time I was going through that so I really suffered.

Does he ever dysregulate and hang up facetime?

I am glad you are seeing a therapist. I was seeing a therapist on a weekly basis up until very recently.

I am sorry that your husband is not willing to get help. That makes it hard.

[SweetCharlotte]

No, he is not in treatment. He is undiagnosed. Doesn't trust mental health care providers. I see a therapist sporadically for help in dealing with him and other aspects of my life (my diagnosis is "Adjustment Disorder" because of everything I am dealing with, past and present).

Heh. That's what they gave me, too. It's the code for "this person isn't mentally ill, but we need to bill insurance."

Ha. I thought as much.

[SweetCharlotte]

Sweet Charlotte, I hope that my experience, strength and hope can help you. I can say that things do get better, in my case because my partner got treated for ptsd with emdr and also started taking a drug that helps slow down his reaction time. Now we can joke about those things, but when it was happening it was very scary. I often thought he was hypnotic like a snake charmer. The good thing is you are here on BPD family and we can help you through this. I did not have BPD family at the time I was going through that so I really suffered.

Does he ever dysregulate and hang up facetime?

I am glad you are seeing a therapist. I was seeing a therapist on a weekly basis up until very recently.

I am sorry that your husband is not willing to get help. That makes it hard.

Yes, unicorn, BPD family has been of great help to me for the past three years, on and off, since I started to surmise that he has BPD. I was able to end the painful cycle of our breakups and reconciliations thanks to the support I have received here. It has also helped me to understand my relationship with my deceased mother, who I strongly suspect had BPD as well.

[unicorn2014]

I am glad BPD family has been helpful to you! I am starting to reading understanding the borderline mother which I'm posting about on the coping board.

[SweetCharlotte]

I am glad BPD family has been helpful to you! I am starting to reading understanding the borderline mother which I'm posting about on the coping board.

I will be interested in reading about you and your BPDmom. There's so much in my mother-daughter r/s that made me walk into this one with my uBPDh. Around the holidays I really see the common threads. Christmas was a test with my Mom: get her the right present, or you fail. The failure will be cited regularly as proof that you don't really love her.

On Sunday, the H began dredging up his favorite examples of evidence that I don't appreciate him. The shirt in the wrong size that I got him one Christmas. A couple of documents and one tiny gadget of his that I apparently lost. My daughter sassing at him. All things I cannot change or control, like his BPD.

[unicorn2014]

Sweet Charlotte I have a thread on the coping board.

In terms of my partner a therapeutic separation has been recommended but since we're not married and we don't live together I don't see the point.