Coping with leaving an abusive parent.

[Depression = 72% of members]

XI have now left. It was the only way as every time I returned to my covert Narcissist Mum it just got crazy-making till in the end; when I was flown back "home" to my now ageing parent's; the long established patterns of abuse weee just way too dysfunctional to tolerate. Thet believed their lies about me: that I am a failure!

So I came home and had worrying suicidal ideation... my rock bottom to saying enough is enough

But my question is Why oh why do I miss my abuser?

I am deeply isolated & awaiting the start of therapy & tge NARP programme for surviving to thriving

I know it was Codrpendance & now Im atrending to my Inner Child & Selflove & care & setting my boundaries. Your site & articles help.

I need support & encoyragement please from anyone else who had to go No Contact. Im hurting real bad. I have allowed myself to be "babified" All my life & am now 55! Imagine that. It has been a hell of a journey gettingvto the place of seeing the emotional abuse & constant Shaming and gaslighting.

Help please!

[Itzposzible]

XI have now left. It was the only way as every time I returned to my covert Narcissist Mum it just got crazy-making till in the end; when I was flown back "home" to my now ageing parent's; the long established patterns of abuse weee just way too dysfunctional to tolerate. Thet believed their lies about me: that I am a failure!

So I came home and had worrying suicidal ideation... my rock bottom to saying enough is enough

But my question is Why oh why do I miss my abuser?

I am deeply isolated & awaiting the start of therapy & tge NARP programme for surviving to thriving

I know it was Codrpendance & now Im atrending to my Inner Child & Selflove & care & setting my boundaries. Your site & articles help.

I need support & encoyragement please from anyone else who had to go No Contact. Im hurting real bad. I have allowed myself to be "babified" All my life & am now 55! Imagine that. It has been a hell of a journey gettingvto the place of seeing the emotional abuse & constant Shaming and gaslighting.

Help please!

[musherx]

You're not alone.

I'm 53. I was raised by two pwNPD. Their need for total control was incredibly destructive. Between the ages of 4 and 17,  I lived in 22 homes and went to 18 schools. They didn't want their kids to have a life or identity outside of the home. Any attempt at individuation was assaulted. The result was one daughter became a Witch pwBPD, the other is a fairly sadistic pwNPD and I became a caretaker codependent. My entire family are Cluster-Bs. I was the lucky one. I ended up taking care of the family for decades.

A caretaker has a much easier way out than but makes you a magnet for BPD and NDP. I have had three serious girlfriends in my life, all I am sure were BPD, (cutting, infidelity, splitting, etc). I can honestly say that life has been hell. I have chosen to be alone. I spend every holiday and birthday alone. It's better than the alternatives I have known.

My father died about 10 years ago. I finally went NC with my mother over two years ago. I feel terrible about it but I know it's the best thing I can do. I had enough of the verbal assaults, ridicule and mockery I could handle. Anymore and I would have punched her.

I have been in therapy since 19. What has helped is friendship with dogs, EMDR and learning that the core of who I am never had love planted in it. I have listening to people like Matt Kahn on youtube and using whatever he has that I think is good. As long as we are incompetent at loving ourselves. we are magnets for Cluster-Bs.

My relationship to pwBPD and NPD changed dramatically when I started looking at them as mental illness with a human as a puppet seeking narcissistic supply. After that, their words meant nothing. All the "humane" questions I would ask disappeared: "What were they thinking?", "But she said she loved me and wanted to marry me. How could she do such a thing?", "How can someone be so sadistic?", "Who is this stranger in her body?". 

Many of us are here because we don't know how to really love and respect ourselves. This causes all sorts of problems, but I think we can actually become free and healthy.

[Kwamina]

Hi Itzposzible

You've clearly been through a lot and your parents' behavior has unfortunately affected you very much. I am very glad though that you are now able to see their behavior for what it is, abuse, and are now working on healing yourself.

You are currently awaiting the start of therapy. Dealing with suicidal ideation isn't easy. Perhaps you can benefit from our thread about dealing with automatic negative thoughts:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

We also have a thread about dealing with trauma that I think you might find helpful:

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

Now to your question:

But my question is Why oh why do I miss my abuser?

Although you now realize that the way you were treated in fact constitutes abuse, this was still all you knew and were used to. Now that you are attempting to break free from this cycle of dysfunction, I think it makes sense that on some level you 'miss' it, not necessarily because you really liked it but because it was always like that and it might feel very strange and scary to live life another way.

You mention being deeply isolated. I am glad that you are reaching out for support here and hope this will help ease this sense of isolation. Being the child of a disordered parent can indeed be a very isolating experience and it can really help then to interact with people who've had similar experiences.

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily