anybody agree to split college fund?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 My l is drafting settlement paper hoping to settle out of court. I asked them to add the college fund contribution. My l said it is not BPD' s responsibility to pay college fund (I am a primary custodian). However, I told my l to try anyway. This is what my l worded---> Regarding the college tuition, each party will contribute to tuition, etc. based on your financial ability to do so with neither of you being obligated to pay more than 50%.

I am thinking of change it to simply each will contribute 50%. I understand it is just a proposal and I don't know if he will agree any of my proposals. However, if he agrees, the wording Lawyer put sounds like giving BPD room in the future to say "You don't have to pay more than 50% but anyway I am paying 5% as I am financially difficult."

Is there better way? Has anyone have agreed on the college contribution? What does it say? Thanks in advance.

[Godslove]

 My l is drafting settlement paper hoping to settle out of court. I asked them to add the college fund contribution. My l said it is not BPD' s responsibility to pay college fund (I am a primary custodian). However, I told my l to try anyway. This is what my l worded---> Regarding the college tuition, each party will contribute to tuition, etc. based on your financial ability to do so with neither of you being obligated to pay more than 50%.

I am thinking of change it to simply each will contribute 50%. I understand it is just a proposal and I don't know if he will agree any of my proposals. However, if he agrees, the wording Lawyer put sounds like giving BPD room in the future to say "You don't have to pay more than 50% but anyway I am paying 5% as I am financially difficult."

Is there better way? Has anyone have agreed on the college contribution? What does it say? Thanks in advance.

[ForeverDad]

My several orders never mentioned college expenses.  I wanted it that way, when our son is 18 and finishes high school, he ages out of all court orders.  My ex apparently spent all of her share of marital funds paid to her, within a couple years she was consistently claiming poverty.  I don't expect her to help financially.  While I have some retirement savings, that's about it, all my savings and spare income went to alimony, child support, GAL, lawyers and evaluators.  Seriously, my mortgage is scheduled to be paid off when I'm 87.  By the time our son graduates, if work is a problem, I may have been retired for up to 4 years.  I don't want to retire early but I may have to.

So having college expenses decreed by my court would have risked only me.  I can't get her to pay a nickel now and I don't expect her to later.  Hence I've told my son he better get great grades in high school to get good scholarships and be ready to work too, though he's in middle school now and not listening. :'(

However, for others I think it's often been said to split expenses based on income, not sure about imputed income.  Sometimes the financials dictate we have to look for scholarships and even the child-now-adult to shoulder some of the costs.

[sanemom]

We didn't put college expenses down on the decree either.  The sad thing is with the amount of court expenses we have spent, we could have sent one to a private college for four years.

[Thunderstruck]

We didn't put college expenses down on the decree either.  The sad thing is with the amount of court expenses we have spent, we could have sent one to a private college for four years.

Whenever I think about how much we've spent in court, I   . It definitely is as much as SD10s college education.

Oh well... .if she was with uBPDbm full-time and we were just paying CS she wouldn't have a college fund (uBPDbm would have spent it all on herself) and probably wouldn't end up going (because no one pushed her to work hard). We have spent this money to give her a stable future by having us nons be good influences in her life.

We probably won't be putting a stipulation for college expenses in our final CO, but if it ends up that we get paid CS if (fingers crossed) we get primary custody then our plan has always been to put the CS into a college fund for SD10. IF (big if) uBPDbm ever pays it.

[ForeverDad]

This is a side point but often when courts make a finding of Contempt of Court the official consequences are jail or fines at the judge's discretion.  Often nothing much happens.  Courts almost never send a parent to jail and are also reluctant to give financial sanctions to the problem parent.  So one alternative some parents have tried is to always ask for sanctions but... .that the money be placed in the children's college funds.  The strategy is that if the court is unwilling to issue financial sanctions as a Consequence, even though there were large legal expenses, the court may be more willing to do so (eventually) if the proceeds directly benefit the children.

[Turkish]

Does this even need to be written into the order? The kids will be adults by then.

The future isn't guaranteed. Assuming the worst, what if you aren't able to pay for some legitimate reason? What if the kids choose an expensive college? Go into the military? At what age will this order expire, or if they decide to defer college until their 30s, or go to grad school? 1 post-doc, 2 post doc... .I've worked with people who stayed in school until their 30s getting those post-docs.

My personal value is that the kids need to pony up and figure it out. To start at a 2 year college is acceptable, for instance. Working, at least somewhat, while going to school will be expected. Ok, off my soapbox.

If it is to be in the order, can it be simplified to benefit all (you and the kids, not your Ex)? "Tuition, books, and lab expenses shall be split thusly, provided that said children shall attend these local community and state colleges while living in Father's home, or Mother's home. If said children decide to attend other schools, this order shall not be enforced."

My own situation: I already had a 529 for our son. When D3 was D1, their mom was leaving and we were negotiating the custody stipulation. I had a L, she did not (and I was as reasonable as I could be given that I didn't want her to hire a L I might have had to pay for given my income was almost twice hers).

I was not above using FOG.  I said that I would stop contributing to his 529 since I was going to pay CS,.and that I wouldn't start one for then D1. I told her that with my CS, that she was free to start her own funds. Long story short,.she agreed to have it written into the stipulation that I would pay her below guideline support if I contributed to their college funds. The verbiage did not mention the dollar amount (I told her, and she knows I am a man of my word), nor the percentages. Something like, "Mother agrees to below guideline support to enable Father to continue contributing to the college funds of Child1 and Child2." I started D3's fund many months after her mom moved out. I put in money to "back date" it, then sent her proof. Agreeing to below guidelne has its own potential pitfalls, at least in California, but this is how I did it.

[whirlpoollife]

I had asked my L if some of the settlement money that xh received from me, could be put in an escrow account for the kids secondary education.  His answer was , no , that there are no laws that the other parent needs to contribute to the secondary education of kids.

But that's for my state.  Your L is as least giving it a try. 

Post secondary education funds for my teen kids is on my mind much now. I have spent and had to to defend my self in this divorce.  And continue to do so.  Much of that money was to have been their college funds. It's gone forever to my L and to xh.   

[Forestaken]

My L says the court doesn't care about the kids because they are adults.  My xw got their college funds. Loans, their part-time jobs and me are paying for it.

[SamwizeGamgee]

My instinctive answer would be to map a plan that will get you disentangled as much as possible, as soon as possible. At 18 the kid is an adult - technically at least.  If you or the ex care to contribute to college, so be it. 

Don't create another front to fight the battle.  What if kids want a masters degree, then PhD, then change majors, then what's next?

Another round of family court for you?

On paper, get your name as far from your ex's as you can.

My unqualified, non-legal, two-cent opinion only.

[ForeverDad]

The future isn't guaranteed. Assuming the worst, what if you aren't able to pay for some legitimate reason? What if the kids choose an expensive college? Go into the military? At what age will this order expire, or if they decide to defer college until their 30s, or go to grad school? 1 post-doc, 2 post doc... .I've worked with people who stayed in school until their 30s getting those post-docs.

My personal value is that the kids need to pony up and figure it out. To start at a 2 year college is acceptable, for instance. Working, at least somewhat, while going to school will be expected. Ok, off my soapbox.

If it is to be in the order, can it be simplified to benefit all (you and the kids, not your Ex)? "Tuition, books, and lab expenses shall be split thusly, provided that said children shall attend these local community and state colleges while living in Father's home, or Mother's home. If said children decide to attend other schools, this order shall not be enforced."

As several have written, beware the risks of adding to your parenting or support obligations.  In years past a number of members have stated that their final divorce decrees included obligations to fund large portions of the children's college or university expenses.  But as noted above, who can predict what assets or income we will have 10 or 15 years from now in order to comply?  And especially we don't want a vague order.  What if you said 'Yes' thinking of the local state or community college but ex convinces your children to attend prestigious private (=expensive) colleges far away?  A vague order that doesn't detail or limit your exposure would be a devastating future shock, to you and to your pocket.

Some have agreed to such terms but only after making sure that their obligation is not open-ended or subject to reinterpretation.  Depending on our wealth or lack thereof, one way is to say that whichever college or university (and wherever that may be) is ultimately selected, (1) the assistance will be limited to the rates of the local and inexpensive university or college while residing at home and (2) adjusted lower if your income is less at that future time.

So if you have a college fund or support ordered then have a firm structure where you at least limit any future surprise obligations. This is a principle similar to one I've voiced elsewhere.  Imagine your Ex decides to move away.  Your first reaction might be to shout 'No!'  But think... .Ex is an adult and can live where he or she wishes.  You can't control that, neither will court.  But the real issue is the children and your parenting, those are the factors family court can rule on.  So that first impulse to say 'No!' is moderated to "Fine, I wish you well, but the children will stay here and if you don't agree then family court will have to step in."

Not directly related but here's what one member faced years ago when he agreed to let his Ex make education decisions.

One father here a few years back reported that his ex moved their son from public school to private school as soon as she had custody.  Father's order listed him as obligated to pay for standard boilerplate "school costs".  He ended up back in family court since he didn't agree to the change and didn't agree pay the high tuition and court ruled that the standard but vague order said he paid school expenses and that included whatever his ex decided to do as custodial parent.  In effect, she decided and he paid.  So my warning and advice is to be sure that he makes sure his order doesn't vaguely make him pay for school or college expenses above and beyond the standard public options.  Make sure it is specific in such areas.  Vague orders almost always tend to benefit the disordered parent who knows how to stretch credulity and manipulate the system.  Vague orders work only for reasonable parents.

One of the prime points made by Bill Eddy in his book High Conflict People in legal disputes is that the court's usual assumption or presumption that the parents will both be reasonable won't work when personality disordered persons who act out are involved.  The standard boilerplate phrases such as "reasonable telephone contact" or "mutually agreeable location for exchange" simply won't work or will be reinterpreted by the disordered ex to mean whatever the disordered ex wants it to mean.

Be specific wherever possible.  Spell it out.  Anticipate big bloopers and plug those loopholes.

One father here has been in court repeatedly for years because the order states he pays for school costs.  You and I would interpret that to mean the usual fees the schools charge for school supplies, extracurricular activities, etc.  Well, not his disordered ex.  She soon enrolled the child in a private school and interpreted school costs to mean that he has to pay the high costs of her decision to use private schools, something he never anticipated.  The courts have been reluctant to take a stand that school costs covered only normal school costs and not extra costs she incurred by her choices.  Now, if the order would have stated basic school costs or normal costs of public schooling, or something similar, he might have been able to avoid that reinterpretation.

Then what happens when the child graduates?  Some orders go beyond age 18 and include initial years in college.  Is that addressed clearly?  What if the disordered parent (or the child) chooses the most expensive school?

What about medical or school appointments?  Most orders state both parents have rights to the records, but will the disordered parent notify you when the child is taken to a nurse, doctor, Urgent Care, hospital Emergency Department, or is attended to by emergency responders such as police, paramedics or ambulances?  (In my case, the only way I found out was by insurance processing notifications or the preschooler happening to mention it.  The only time she told me was at exchanges where he had bruises or abrasions and she showed proof she went to the doctor, probably so I wouldn't call CPS on her.)  Well guess what, having the right to the records is no assurance you will be notified of the records!

Of course, any language added to the order will generally apply to you both, so don't push for something that you aren't prepared to comply with yourself.

So try to look at every item.  Still, there will always be something you miss.  You can only do your best and hope... .