No, the idealization was not purely fantastic

[Depression = 72% of members]

At this moment in my detachment, I'm very happy that I'm able to think about this more clearly. I never liked the way he idealized me. There were so many fun things, so many things where I felt understood but the way he conceptually defined us always disturbed me. I was aware of this when I was still with him, but I just mentioned it in passing and let it slide. Receiving some appreciation was so cool (this is due to my personal history), there were so many things that energized both of us. I wouldn't leave this guy for a conceptual thing, would I? I now see that the very concept he chose while describing me was the beginning of my end, too. And it was very controlling and limiting I think. I was his "angel". Reading the experiences of male Nons here, I think this may be the equivalent of the knight in shining armour - but I also had wings, ha ha

The first time he called me an angel, I loved it. This is because I had various relationships - not necessarily intimate- with various controllers where I was seen as the "evil" woman because ultimately I didn't let them control me. And here was this guy, a person seeing what a nice person I was indeed.

I started to get uncomfortable when he started to bring this up all the time. Being an angel felt too obscure to me - like sexless, ageless, having something holy but ultimately a concept deprived of all human things I might need in a relationship. It didn't feel like "hey, here is this person LIKE an angel, and I appreciate it and I will do my best to make her happy, too." It felt more like "this is an angel, she doesn't need what humans need, she will take anything from me and she is so wonderful for that." I told him once that actually I was not angel; that I was good with him because our relationship satisfied me in a lot of ways but I wasn't this selfless being. I like some parts of myself that isn't an angel. I like how I can defend myself and others if there is need, I like being able to be a badass if I see the need, I love my sarcasm - an angel is never sarcastic. It felt like all these were taken from me. Also, I felt like I wasn't defined as this sexy, confident etc etc female that he met. I was becoming a dull dull angel. What next you know? It felt like this "angelness" (not even angelicness) was becoming more and more of a duty, something dictated on me.

Well, when I couldn't fulfill my needs as an angel (like not getting offended when he blatantly lied about our sex life to his confidante ex) problems started. When I discovered that he lied about his relationship history and found myself in an ongoing something I didn't want, he raged and broke a lot of things in the house. I was then "sick" and "evil". 

The angel and the evil I was described as are two sides of the same coin for me. Idealization was disturbing in this sense.

[thisworld]

At this moment in my detachment, I'm very happy that I'm able to think about this more clearly. I never liked the way he idealized me. There were so many fun things, so many things where I felt understood but the way he conceptually defined us always disturbed me. I was aware of this when I was still with him, but I just mentioned it in passing and let it slide. Receiving some appreciation was so cool (this is due to my personal history), there were so many things that energized both of us. I wouldn't leave this guy for a conceptual thing, would I? I now see that the very concept he chose while describing me was the beginning of my end, too. And it was very controlling and limiting I think. I was his "angel". Reading the experiences of male Nons here, I think this may be the equivalent of the knight in shining armour - but I also had wings, ha ha

The first time he called me an angel, I loved it. This is because I had various relationships - not necessarily intimate- with various controllers where I was seen as the "evil" woman because ultimately I didn't let them control me. And here was this guy, a person seeing what a nice person I was indeed.

I started to get uncomfortable when he started to bring this up all the time. Being an angel felt too obscure to me - like sexless, ageless, having something holy but ultimately a concept deprived of all human things I might need in a relationship. It didn't feel like "hey, here is this person LIKE an angel, and I appreciate it and I will do my best to make her happy, too." It felt more like "this is an angel, she doesn't need what humans need, she will take anything from me and she is so wonderful for that." I told him once that actually I was not angel; that I was good with him because our relationship satisfied me in a lot of ways but I wasn't this selfless being. I like some parts of myself that isn't an angel. I like how I can defend myself and others if there is need, I like being able to be a badass if I see the need, I love my sarcasm - an angel is never sarcastic. It felt like all these were taken from me. Also, I felt like I wasn't defined as this sexy, confident etc etc female that he met. I was becoming a dull dull angel. What next you know? It felt like this "angelness" (not even angelicness) was becoming more and more of a duty, something dictated on me.

Well, when I couldn't fulfill my needs as an angel (like not getting offended when he blatantly lied about our sex life to his confidante ex) problems started. When I discovered that he lied about his relationship history and found myself in an ongoing something I didn't want, he raged and broke a lot of things in the house. I was then "sick" and "evil". 

The angel and the evil I was described as are two sides of the same coin for me. Idealization was disturbing in this sense.

[once removed]

i feel similarly, thisworld. the first three months were some of the worst. i had a sense of dread in the first week or two. everything was happening so fast and so suddenly. i had no time or space to process. my dread was that she was very soon, at any time, going to tell me she loved me (she used other synonyms like "im falling for you". my suspicions were right. i didnt know what to do, so i said it back. i dont know a good timeline on when a person falls in love; sometimes its even in retrospect. but i know that an idealization stage in any relationship can be intoxicating, and a time many profess to fall in love. i havent seen a problem in waiting and making sure. there are phases in relationships that follow the idealization stage, like the power struggle. phases that test relationships, at which point there is either growth or collapse. theres a lot to wait and see whether the initial feelings of love remain or not, or change (grow).

so if i was uncomfortable, and you were uncomfortable, why did we bite? i cant speak for you, but i know despite my feelings of discomfort, despite the fact that when i was finally alone for a moment i told myself this wasnt love, her idealization appealed to me in a very unique way. a way that helped me overlook and rationalize. a way that helped me, ultimately, reciprocate, and believe that this was love. similar to you, i think, she loved/idealized me the way i saw myself, the way i wanted to be loved, which at the time felt "right" even if uncomfortable.

angels and devils... .most of us are somewhere in between, and we know it, and so its natural to be uncomfortable to be made out to be either one. we also know its inevitable that if a person is placed on a pedestal, they will fall, be kicked off, or at least lowered a little bit. unrealistic expectations do feel like something dictated on us. its an identity that doesnt fit. and yes, it is engulfing

[steelwork]

For me the idealization started off non-romantic. It was more about what a great artist I was. Then when the emotional relationship started, we tried to hold back for a bit. Then the flood gates opened and the love bombing went from artistic to everything else (I was also incredibly sexy and intuitive and brilliant, was the person he wished he'd always known, was incredibly loyal and caring to my friends and exes (ha ha ha), etc.) I was INCREDIBLY uncomfortable about being put on a pedestal and said so often.

And I felt depersonalized by it. Ironically, the things he said that suggested he was seeing into my soul made me feel like a cardboard cutout--like an object he'd invented for his adoration.

I thought at the time that this was at least partly because, due to my personal damage, I didn't know how to receive compliments. It was my disfunction. I was "ashamed" of the ego gratification--that's how I put it to myself. And the other half was that I was getting used to his personality and I'd adjust to it.

I didn't know then that it was in fact toxic behavior and a "red flag," but I DID know it made me really uncomfortable. I hope I've learned to trust my gut a little more.

[thisworld]

Onceremoved,

Hell yeah, it's engulfing I'm laughing at what you've written and I'm feeling a bit naughty because of this but there certainly is a therapeutic aspect to it. It feels like I'm slowly reclaiming certain things I didn't allow myself to feel until our relationship was almost over. When I tried to understand my ex partner within the franework of BPD, engulfment and abandonment stood out. And they were hanging over the head of our relationship like Damocles's sword. I, being the responsible savior, didn't allow myself to feel anything remotely similar. I didn't allow myself to be bored with him - and he was boring after a point-, I didn't allow myself my very valuable need for space, I didn't allow myself my own insecurities about being discarded. It feels so good know to be able to accept that, yes, it was engulfing and what I felt was healthy. Thank you thank you thank you

Why I fell for it, oh that is an epic deserving another post:)) 

Shambles,

The way we were approached was pretty similar and I felt a lot like you. How ironic - and maybe also hilarious- that we got praised about our intuition And the way you treat your exes Omens do exist!

Have a good day (or evening guys). You've helped me admit something that was difficult for me to admit