BPD "I'm lying but right" Game

[non_stuck]

I figured out a pattern in one of my BPD S-I-L’s games. Whenever she meets people she pretends to have special knowledge of whatever their interests are. She also lies and claims to have the same background, or higher status.  I am a professional historical researcher.  In my case, she lies about articles she reads about history or anthropology. On one occasion she said, “I just read an article and there was a major study. The Italian language was created by one woman in the Middle Ages.” When she came out with this I thought maybe she read an article on linguists that was over her head and she came to the wrong conclusions. I explained that Italian evolved from Latin over many centuries with several different dialects. She said, “No it didn’t. It was one woman and she created it all.  I read the article.”  I dropped it because it was Christmas dinner at my in-laws and telling someone they are full of crap isn’t done. She has done this several times. She tried to tell me that I have red hair because of my astrological sign and that “98% of people with red hair are born in the same month.” In my work, I study DNA. I said, “Um, no that’s not true. There are recessive,” She cut me off, “Yes it is. People with your astrological sign have red hair.  It’s very scientific.” In my experience something is either scientific or not scientific, so something being “very scientific” is ridiculous. In case you’re interested in the truth, red hair is from a mutation of the MC1R gene. Both parents have to carry the gene. The baby is generally born 9 months after conception in any of the 12 available months.  That is super-extra-very-mega- scientific, infinity, I’m right.

So her game is  1. Pretend to have knowledge on something that she doesn’t really know anything about. 2. If the listener believes her she takes comfort in the fooling them. 3. If they counter with facts or opinions, she doesn’t let them finish what they are saying. She cuts them off and says that what she said is correct, and then gets a smug grin on her face. She interprets this as winning. 4. If asked where the info comes from she says, “Oh I can’t remember and changes the subject.”

So I guess when she tells me on Christmas that Viking ships have been found on Saturn, I suppose the thing to do is just look at her and not respond.

[chayka]

Oh dear.  This would be funny if it weren't so frustrating for you!

Have you tried using the Medium Chill technique? There's some good info on it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114204.0  I use it with my uBPD mum and find it helpful. It's really about being friendly up to a point but keeping enough distance to avoid getting involved in their games.

You could try saying, for example, "Oh, really? That sounds like an interesting article" and just leave it at that. (It sure does, but not in the way she meant!  ) When she finds she can't get much of a reaction out of you, she may stop bothering.

Chayka

[chayka]

PS  Obviously you'll need to phrase things so that they sound non-provoking. I realize that "Oh, really?" might sound a bit sarcastic depending on where you're from. I'm from England where that sounds fine as long as the intonation is right.

[enlighten me]

I ran into this with my exgf all the time. She would read an article and it became gospel or at least the bits she understood did. One of the things that amused me was a German make of toy that she would mispronounce. When she first said it I looked confused and asked her what she meant. She told me and I said oh ... .She said no its pronounced (and said it her way again) she finished by saying I should know how its pronounced I dated a German guy once. The fact I have lived in Germany for 8 years and spoke some German didn't matter. Since we have split up she has started saying it the proper way.

[isilme]

I think it comes from needing to be important or superior, and anything less is shame-inducing.  I once mentioned that as a child I was tested and got a rather high IQ score, high enough for my school to tell my parents I needed to be sent to a special GT school.  Anyway, a while later, FI suddenly claims HIS IQ is 10 points higher, he's sure he was tested for it.  This was not in response to anything I ever said, and was instead about a friend claiming he was ignorant (the friend was marrying an Ivy-League guy, and acted like she could be more intelligent through marriage), and so I just left it.  He also often mixes up who said what, when, or who had an idea first.  I used to "make things worse" by correcting him, but have pretty much decided that most of the time, those arguments help no one and hurt us both.   

I'd have expressed an interest in reading the article myself, not as a challenge, but as an "okay, you read it, I'd love to learn more, too," kind of way.  Or been, "Cool, that's neat.  Did you know that (inset random trivia here)?" 

My BPDmom was an authority on EVERYTHING.  Because she read National Geographic, she was never wrong.   Sadly, I emulated this as a kid, until my social skills caught up a bit, and I learned to just shut up most of the time, unless someone's misconceptions were going to get them injured.

[shellbell]

Oh dear.  This would be funny if it weren't so frustrating for you!

You could try saying, for example, "Oh, really? That sounds like an interesting article" and just leave it at that. (It sure does, but not in the way she meant!  ) When she finds she can't get much of a reaction out of you, she may stop bothering.

I would definitely use this method or another similar wording. My mother too utilizes this technique on me to get to fight w/ her and then turn around and point the finger. She is my "button pusher." She tends to not be a "know it all" about everything, just the things I am deeply passionate about and/or have had extensive training/education in. The other day she tried to tell me she has "debilitating ADD." I am a licensed mental health professional charged w/ assessment, diagnosis, and treatment. While I can't legally diagnose family, she is full of sh*t. My strategy is to "ok" her to death. You can't fight with someone who refuses to engage w/ you. I also found that with my mother, invoking a mild tone of annoyance and brushing off the comment lets her know I honestly don't want to hear a word of it. I don't think I'd do this with anyone else, but for my situation w/ her, it seems to work well. I have BPD patients and you use a similar technique without invalidating the feeling.

[non_stuck]

Thank you all so much for your input! I will keep re-reading the medium chill method. It really helps to have people to share this with.  My husband likes to pretend there isn't a problem. I'm dreading Christmas, and my mother-in-law added a family weekend for my father-in-law's birthday in January.

[Herodias]

Once you figure out the pattern it is amazing! Mine is a pathological liar as well. He would say things the same as yours... .if I call him out, he would either pretend I didn't know what I was saying or get mad and change the subject. The other thing he would do is say something that sounded like it was truth, yet it wasn't really at all... .that way he could say it wasn't a lie exactly. Such as "I haven't seen that woman in 13 months" which is true... .because it was 12! I get it, but not everyone would... .