Sense of Self/Impressionable Leverage?

[JaneStorm]

Question for the veterans: is it possible to leverage the BPD's being impressionable and a chameleon type sense of Self? Using compassion, strong boundaries, and positive modeling, can it have effect?

[once removed]

hey janestorm 

not sure i understand the question. can you clarify what you mean by "leverage"? if you mean can a person with those qualities impress them onto a pwBPD, i suppose the short answer is "sure". BPD is a personality disorder though, and the traits and behaviors are hardwired so it also depends on what you mean by "impress". if youre asking if a romantic partner is in a position to "teach" these things to a borderline, id say no. what youre talking about, i think, is the kind of thing a pwBPD learns and develops in therapy.

[JaneStorm]

Hi once removed 

You understood; 'leverage' is maybe code for 'influence'!

I have noticed that with my BPDex's behavior, over the course of the 14+ months, he has slowly taken up some of my methods. This was a slow process and only when I stopped talking about it; i.e., changing insurance to mine due to the cost savings, canceling cable for a streaming device, purging old documents, repairing vehicles, using the company vehicle only for work and not personal, listening to music, asking his teens more personal questions and not just talking about the weather and homework... .not exactly inner changes, I know.

I understand that only therapy can get inside. I am wondering if he sees that I go to my therapy weekly, sees the positive changes (getting back to my own life, not obsessing on him, being calm, etc.), maybe he would step outside of his comfort zone as he has above, and want that too. He is like a petulant teenager that is in opposite land - 'tell me to do it and I will do the opposite'. Some stuff, he does not even tell me about, like going to the doctor for check-ups. He fought me about this last year but then I discovered he did it once I quit talking about it but kept it to himself.

Not 'hoping', per se, but just wondering.

[once removed]

ah, okay. so youre describing a stubborn guy, and greater success in terms of leading by example vs arguing or just communicating wants and needs, yes? leading by example is a great strategy. id argue in a relationship (of any kind) with a pwBPD, a necessity. it sounds like its gotten some results, and lightened your burden, too, congratulations  . certainly things like wanting to get himself into therapy are more complicated (he could view your improvement as abandonment) and probably further off, but not at all an impossibility. i think we are mostly all positively influenced when someone sets a good example for us, and we see whats in it for us to improve.

[JaneStorm]

ah, okay. so youre describing a stubborn guy, and greater success in terms of leading by example vs arguing or just communicating wants and needs, yes? leading by example is a great strategy. id argue in a relationship (of any kind) with a pwBPD, a necessity. it sounds like its gotten some results, and lightened your burden, too, congratulations  . certainly things like wanting to get himself into therapy are more complicated (he could view your improvement as abandonment) and probably further off, but not at all an impossibility. i think we are mostly all positively influenced when someone sets a good example for us, and we see whats in it for us to improve.

Yes; very stubborn and also just 'being', rather than shoving my agenda up his bottom. I know I am that way and finesse is crucial in all areas of my life. He has been in therapy a bit (a begging forgiveness strategy after a terrible incident) but I think when it gets close to his sore spots, he gets angry and doesn't want to be the 'therapy couple'. I have considered him feeling abandoned and that is fine. I feel that way around his refusal to correct some of his behaviors; I just won't say it to him.

You are right though, the World could use one less negative person and that is me. Can't fix it, don't make it worse!

[thisworld]

JaneStorm hi,

I think this is a very constructive attitude in any relationship if carried on with no expectation from the partner and complete freedom from whatever they choose to do for themselves. I did this in a previous relationship but I think I secretly harbored a wish that he would eventually choose to join me in healing, start taking action for himself etc. My partner didn't and I got impatient and then secretly angry and openly bitter. That was a mistake on my behalf. Also, whenever I received support and started behaving with healthier tools myself (in this relationship, too), it was tiring and more difficult at first because my partner would attempt to test my new limits, preferences etc. Please do not lose your positive attitude if this happens. Another thing I experienced was interesting. Therapy language used the word boundary a lot so I would keep on saying boundaries, boundaries. And that annoyed my partner so much. He simply hated it. It took a lot of effort to convince him that they were for both of us, negotiable etc. (I think BPDs have more boundaries or more rigid boundaries than most Nons but they don't see it like that.) He definitely felt more comfortable with what he thought were softer words.

 

   

[JaneStorm]

I'm no Ghandi, but it is good for me to do this. For me.