Can pwBPD control themselves for an extended amount of time?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Can someone tell me how a pwBPD could go from doing all kinds of really crazy behavior to not doing it very much? I feel like mine was so over the top out of control and now I don't hear of anything. Mind you, I don't know. We are separated and he is with a gf. He also has a pending felony that could be causing him to try a lot harder to maintain control. I just keep expecting to get a phone call from the VA hospital saying he is there or something, since I went through that so much! It is the holiday and it happens more at this time of year. It just is making me feel like it was somehow my fault... .because that is what he wants me and everyone else to believe. That somehow I was putting too much pressure on him, when in fact he was doing it all to himself. If they don't change without therapy... .is he more than likely still doing all the behaviors with the next person that he did with me? Thanks for your input... .

[Herodias]

Can someone tell me how a pwBPD could go from doing all kinds of really crazy behavior to not doing it very much? I feel like mine was so over the top out of control and now I don't hear of anything. Mind you, I don't know. We are separated and he is with a gf. He also has a pending felony that could be causing him to try a lot harder to maintain control. I just keep expecting to get a phone call from the VA hospital saying he is there or something, since I went through that so much! It is the holiday and it happens more at this time of year. It just is making me feel like it was somehow my fault... .because that is what he wants me and everyone else to believe. That somehow I was putting too much pressure on him, when in fact he was doing it all to himself. If they don't change without therapy... .is he more than likely still doing all the behaviors with the next person that he did with me? Thanks for your input... .

[Turkish]

If only you could be a fly on the wall, no?

As my T once said, "personalities typically don't change."

Your assessment sounds reasonable. It could be those things. Maybe he isn't as triggered by her. Maybe she puts up with more. Who knows? Maybe both.

In my experience, it took over a year after my Ex left, and months after she married and co-habitated, to see some of the same behaviors surface. I know that there is a lot I don't know as well. It's just indicated by a few things here ad there I've heard from them both. Going from casual "teenage" r/s to one with actual commitments was likely a huge trigger. Closeness. Intimacy (reality, not fantasy).

Can you forgive yourself for perhaps not being what he needed? We each need to be ourselves, not last within another person's disordered needs-based desires. You have a right to be your own person, Herodias, rather than being defined by someone else due to their lack.

[Herodias]

Yes Turkish... .I see what you mean. I am just very sad right now. I actually wrote him back and told him that I will always care about his well being that I hope he is happier now. I am trying. Personally, I think as you say, he may not be being triggered as much right now because she is young and wants to please him and marry him. She actually love bombs him! He told me he can manipulate her and I am sure that makes him happy as well. I think when a commitment happens he will go back to how he was. I am glad you told me what your T said. I do know some of what I saw in the beginning hadn't changed with him... .particularly the drinking. That's really bad at times and she may be putting up with it. That is part of his "deal" in marriage. I told him I would accept it in the beginning, because I didn't know how bad it could be. I am having a really hard time with the holidays coming- and the divorce happening so soon... Sometimes I think if I could have found a replacement, maybe I would be doing better... .I just don't work that way!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Herodias (love your moniker),

In my experience, pwBPD can be quite savvy about hiding their disorder from the outside world.  Don't kid yourself; the dark side is still there even if you can't see it outwardly at the moment.  Don't beat yourself up - you didn't cause him to have BPD.

LuckyJim

[Turkish]

Sometimes I think if I could have found a replacement, maybe I would be doing better... .I just don't work that way!

I hear you there. It's a fundamental mismatch of core values. It's hard to look at this on the far side of a r/s; even more so, with everything so fresh.

[calminthestorm]

Did you ever notice that when you confide in ppl they would say, 'that's just (fill in the name)' or 'that's just how they are' ... .or when remarking on your relationship, they may say, 'I never realized anything was wrong with you guys'... .or 'I never knew!' or 'You hid it so well'... .I have heard lines like that more than I can count.  Most people that aren't my closest friends could never see from the outside looking in.  we were the picturesque, white-picket-fence couple for nearly 10 years... .Now that you are on the outside, you are just someone else to hide the truth from.  BPDs are good at camouflaging the real drama.  Sounds like you have stepped away from the drama and now you are no longer privy to it either.  This is a blessing, but it feels more like shell shock for a while.  After being needed and relied upon to uphold the sanity for so long, it can be rather painful to not be. (at least initially).  But don't be fooled, the drama is there.

[Stolen]

They wear the mask well.  They have been doing it their whole life.  It must be torture to them, too bad we got to share in that pain... .

[Aussie0zborn]

No, not your fault at all but hey, it does look like it doesn't it? Well, don't believe it even for a second.

My experience is that they can hide it and hide it very well. In my case, after a clean getaway I went back for more. Almost two years of behaving herself and then... .BANG! The mighty payback for having abandoned her. Yes, she hid it so well for all that time and even stopped drinking. It must have been hard but she did it as a means to an end for that bizarre gratification that it gave her.

Hang in there and don't doubt yourself for a second. Hi new relationship will follow the same pattern as yours.

[lovenature]

How long has he been with his new gf? The cycle of a BPD relationship always repeats the same way; idealization, devaluation, discard-doesn't matter who leaves, without years of the correct therapy the relationship can't be healthy.

Think of the overall of your relationship; good vs. bad. Do what's right for you!

[Herodias]

lovenature, 8-10 months... .not sure. She is 4 months pregnant now. I am done. Just sad... .He is repeating the pattern. Only thing is, I had a miscarriage. Even though he has said he does not  want to marry her and he doesn't want kids and he wants to come back to me... .he lies. Can't believe anything he says. We will file for divorce in a month. I told him to do it- I don't want any part of it. He made his choices. He knows he will not remain faithful to her either. awful! He is pretending to want what she wants, but now they are living together and he is freaking out over money. He has to pay me alimony and she may have to quit her job to take care of the baby. He is screwed!

[lovenature]

He is pretending to want what she wants

Sounds like he is mirroring her; this is why we are so attracted to them, we think we found someone we have so much in common with, someone who is our soul mate. Get too close and they move on to someone else and the cycle repeats.

[Herodias]

Yes, but sounds like the mirroring is starting to change. Now that she is pregnant he has mentioned he has told her what to do in a couple of cases. Also, he keeps saying they have no money, but he has come up with the money to go play golf! Selfishness is starting to come out I bet. He actually said if I want to be a part of his life I could! I think that is very strange... .triangulating me with his gf that he is not going to marry (he says) and his baby to be!

[lovenature]

Actually triangulating is quite common for them; they typically play the victim, lying to both people in the triangle-all about their current emotion of the moment, and who they can get supply from at the time.

[Sunfl0wer]

It is also possible that he is just using another person to co regulate his emotions, therfore you are not privy to the actual emotional experiences that he is experiencing.

[Reforming]

Hi Herodias

I'm sorry that you're going through such a tough time. The holiday season can be particularly hard when someone you love has left.

It's very hard to know what's really going on in any relationship. My ex was very good at hiding her behaviour from others and even during her worse episodes my family and friends only got glimpses of what was actually going on.

My uncle told me shortly after my relationship ended that people thought that we were the dream couple. They had no idea what was actually going on behind closed doors

You don't know how your ex and his new partner are interacting, but it's highly likely that he is either already repeating the behaviour you experienced or he will very soon.

As Turkish says sustained deep change is rare and even rarer if you're suffering from a disorder.

It sounds like his new partner has her own issues that drew her into this relationship.

She had an affair with a married man who is also an alcoholic facing criminal charges. She chose to get pregnant within just a few months of knowing him and before he was even divorced.

Does that sound remotely healthy?

A child creates huge challenges and stresses in a healthy relationship. How do you think he will deal with added responsibility and pressure?

The good news, though I understand that it's hard to really feel it right now, is that you're no longer trapped in what sounded like a very destructive relationship. I realise that you're still grieving your relationship now and you need the time and space to do that, but you have the chance for real happiness

The bad news for his new partner is that with a child on the way, she will never be able to fully detach from him and this behaviour

Confiding in you about his current partner is just triangulating. He's already betraying her by doing that, just a he betrayed you.

Reforming

[thisworld]

Hello Blue

My ex could in the beginning of our relationship, good gracious mirroring. Some red flags were there, certainly there but he controlled himself 90  percent of the time so I perceived them as little things every human can have. So yes, that's our record. On Yahoo, it says, on average, 30 days makes 2,628,000 seconds (assuming it's not a leap year) so yes, it's an extended amount of time!   4 life times for a butterfly  I also know people who would perceive him as a pinnacle of stability because they cannot go that long themselves. So, "extended amount of time" is relative and WE set the standard, not anybody else. In my scale of time - determined by where I am in my own life, what I expect for myself and from this relationship- unfortunately it's not good enough for me. I've got to let go.

Now that we are separate, he is attempting to manipulate me with good behaviour but there is always something connected to that behaviour - he wants a feeling, he wants something tangible, he wants something for the future. He never gives away good behaviour selflessly, something is sure to come up. This happens in max.1 week cycles. Yet, there are other people with whom he is in the 1-month cycle (Which I may mistake for "control for an extended amount of time" if I lose perspective)