How to tell them no?

[awedmole]

Hello,

I am in a long-distance relationship with my uBPDgf, she wants me to move in with her (another country) and is very adamant that I should stop talking to my family because they were abusive when I was a child (most of the people who were abusive are not in any contact with me except my mom, who has apologized and for several years has been trying to make up for lost time).

I don't actually want to do this - I DO want to be with her and I do want us to build a life together, but she wants it to be done NOW (which is impossible due to economic reasons) and she gets really angry when I am doing something with my family instead of picking up her calls (I can never call her because she doesn't pick up the phone because it's always on mute) and in my culture people don't leave their families - especially not when you're an only daughter. Like, I am a firm believer that I should have my own life, but it's still something very hard to decide when you've been having a different education.

I have lunch with my dad, and sometimes she calls when we're in the middle of it and I just have to pick up and my dad finishes eating alone and has to go and I'm just so scared of being like "hey, over here it's not bedtime, it's when people have lunch! My dad cooked for me and I can't ignore him" because she'll be like "you don't love me, you don't actually want to be with me, etc."

How can I tell her no or not pick up and not make her not bring out the YOU PREFER HANGING OUT WITH ABUSERS card? (Ironic because she IS abusive towards me even if she doesn't mean to be)

On Friday I couldn't understand a thing she said (she had me on speaker phone and was slurring because she was sleepy and there was a big echo) and she yelled at me for an hour about how it's impossible to have a relationship like this and I clearly must not care about her since I haven't managed to get the money together to move with her in six months (she makes six times more than I do with a salary that is twice as good as the average salary in my country - so really, it's NOT lack of trying)

I'm a person who can't cope with hurting people but I'm sick of this situation, I'm going to therapy and honestly I am thinking about breaking up with her, but I don't want to hurt her... .any advice? Thank you for letting me vent.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.