Former gf of 1.5 years with diagnosed BPD/ED/PTSD/anxiety/depression

[mcjoness]

Hi all. I'm 24/m and my ex wBPD is 23/f. I met her in Jan 2014 and we dated from then until April of 2015. At that point, she was in therapy for ED and was going 1-2/month. She had told me that her therapist said she couldn't be in a relationship while recovering and so we needed to take a break. It turns out what really happened in that week break was she flew across country to hook up with a random guy. This was encouraged by her mother.

Anyway, we reconciled after she agreed to go to treatment for ED. She had apologized and told me that I ignored her too much and so she made a bad mistake. I even accept some of that blame - I was working close to 70 hours a week in a graduate lab at the time and cared too much about how she dressed in public, resulting in the occasional rude undertone remarks.

It was during treatment that she was diagnosed with symptoms of BPD/PTSD/anxiety/and depression. She was dropped out of treatment a month-in due to crappy insurance. From this point I tried to support her and her recovery (she sees a therapist weekly). After 2-3 months of this, she split on me and blocked out all forms of communication, and patterned with a new guy she had just met. After two months of no contact, I mailed her a letter that outlined my feelings for her and letting her know that I do not blame her as a person for anything she has ever done and understand that her actions do not speak for her true feelings. She then re-entered my life slowly but surely. From this point, she let me know she was moving 800 miles across country to begin treatment and eventually graduate school out there. During this recent period, I've been too upfront with me being wearing of her move and the fact that I want to be with her again/save her. We hang out and go to dinner, kiss each other goodbye on the lips, etc. We've made a mistake and had sex twice over the past three weeks, but she reminds me that because of her past, sex means nothing to her.

This new move is being financed by her family, though I think it may be only her mother who supports her and believes it to be a good idea. I'm under the thought that she is simply going to pattern on a new guy in a new city. Yet, here I am being addicted to the love that she provided and wanting to save her. I've read the material online about BPD in that the 'save-her' attitude is the worst way to not only live my life, but also get her back. I know that if I want her back then I need to be the amazing man that I know I am, but have not acted like in the past. I also know that everyone will tell me to run for the hills (and I understand why). I'm conflicted, because this is someone that is so upfront with their issues and apologizing for the effect it has had on my life. That gives me a bit of hope that she truly will get better, one day. She is currently in trauma work, trying to come to terms with the abuse she experienced as a young girl. The last time she spoke, she told me that I need to give her time to get better.

I've been in therapy weekly. Originally because I was in a relationship with her and believed myself to be codependent. I've continued both because of codependency and because of a crappy self-esteem. For what it's worth, my therapist did not think I was codependent. I'm guessing these are common traits among men that love BPD'ers. Like many of those, I have nothing to be depressed about other than a so-so upbringing that left me with a lack of self-respect and confidence.

I suppose I'm reaching out to this board because I want to stay and learn how to communicate with someone I love. At the same time, become a better person that does not rely on BPD'ers.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Newton]

Hey mcjoness 

I'm really glad you've decided to reach out for help... .not an easy thing to do for anyone... let alone for self sufficient 'care giver' types... . 

Wow it sounds like you have really been through the mill with this person!... .how is this affecting your own studies/work?... .

If you'd contributed initially on the newbies board I'm certain your post would have been addressed by a welcoming ambassador... .for now it sounds like the 'undecided' board is certainly where your head is at (although the 'staying' board as it used to be called, will certainly be useful for you also... .

It's important to use this place as much as you need.  Many here have trodden your path (I ended up with a great therapist as a result of meeting my partner... .as have you)... .

The staying board will help to get a realistic perspective on what her "getting better" practically looks like for her... .and more importantly if that is what you want your future to look like.

"Run away" isn't a particularly helpful response (although I understand the sentiment of those who suggest it)... .us behaving this way without careful consideration of the how or why can often exacerbate their worst behavioural responses.

A lack of self esteem, self respect caused by a so-so upbringing is a very relevant cause of depressive symptoms... .it's important you don't diminish this or explain it away.  These traits are rather appealing to individuals with 'control' as an agenda.

I look forward to seeing more posts from you... . ... .

Considering trust is already an issue after her recent behaviour... .do you have concerns for the long distance aspect of things?... .Has she suggested a timescale for how much time she needs to 'get better'?... .How much contact are you both having now?... .Is this cool with you?... .