Opinions kindly appreciated - am I right about this BPD thing with her

[Stu84]

G'day folks,

Never would I have imagined writing a post on a site like this!  Nonetheless, reading numerous posts seems to have brought me some solace after a second break-up with my possibly BPDexg. (Perhaps the kindness that is demonstrated on this site is due to the character type of nons that end up in this situation?)

I'm seeing a T which is helping but I am building my recovery on the basis of a conclusion that my dearest ex is BPD.  May I give a brief indication why I have come to this conclusion and ask if anyone thinks this likely?

- When we met, our love blossomed quickly and I was on top of the world - I was working FIFO and saw her for two weeks every 5, away 3 weeks at a time.

- She struggled with this a bit (so did I) and I made up for it by always taking her for trips away, buying her things, skyping her

- There were red flags - she told me she'd been addicted to meth years earlier and on numerous occasions, she was used during our r/s.  Also, she had a thing with shoplifting - stole cloths often from a department store chain (part of my T is learning why I didn't ditch her when this behavior was so contradictory with my own morals and values)

- We had arguments that I couldn't understand - she'd get upset and not tell me why

- She started to criticize and devalue me a lot, I wasn't packing the dishwasher correctly, she hated my car, my opinions were always wrong blah blah

- She pushed me to move in with her and her mum - seemed excited about it

- the devaluation continued - then her alcoholic father who had ditched her when she was young died (she still talked to him but it was a strained r/s she had with him)

- This messed her up (as it would anyone), I ___ed up by not being able to get off work to escort to another town where he had lived to sort out his estate (she holds this against me to this day even though she had said at the time that she didn't want me to go with her.

- Her drug use seemed to escalate

- she started motioning about marriage - I proposed to her, she said yes - she berated me in the taxi home about something minor I said to her in front of the taxi driver

- on Xmas day our families were together at hers - I caught her using drugs in the bathroom and got angry at her - she went to a friend's party that night and I packed my bag, left her a note saying we needed some time apart to recollect our thoughts and feelings, that I loved her

- this eventually led to a full split whereby over a few weeks, she loved me, she thought I was needy, she loved me... .

- It ended with her telling me how much she hated me, that I was the biggest piece of ___ on earth, that I was delusional about her drug use, that she had a new guy, that she didn't love me etc etc.  She sold the ring and thanked me sarcastically for paying off her credit card for her - I was such a loser she said

- I moved on, crushed obviously.  I remembered my ex had seen a psychologist  at one point and had communicated to me that she had been referred to a psychiatrist to get assessed for BPD but she never went through with it.  This led me to research it a bit and I started to think this was her but I couldn't be sure if her behaviour was becuase of this or the drugs.

- so life went on and I was still hurting super hard when I got a message "Hey, how are you going".  I ignored but finally relented and the dance began again; blaming, sex, push pull, told me she's had an abortion and it had been mine, told me how much she was over me but then told me how much she missed me in her life - until finally, she admitted that she'd never got off the drugs and was about to sell herself when I finally told her I'd give her hope - she needed to go to rehab (I secretly hoped I could send her there to get clean and that I could walk away knowing I'd helped her).  She payed me back the money for the credit card and bought me a beautiful watch for the ring she'd sold.  I had hope again of getting back to how we once were.  She told me I was her soulmate and that she only wanted me to be happy but didn't want to spend a day apart.  Nonetheless, we talked a lot, she'd told me she had been an escort in her early life and that she was sorry for how she'd treated me.  She wrote me a long letter about her recovery and how she wanted to support me with the pain that I carried but there was little acknowledgement of "how" she'd hurt me.  In some ways the email was accusatory.

- She went to rehab in Thailand and I talked to her every day; she got angry with me when I said I couldn't visit her there because we'd organized seeing each other in Europe already and I wanted to set some boundaries against her endless expectations.  She told me my use of alcohol repulsed her so I stopped drinking for her.

- There was a month of her travelling before our Europe reunion where she started getting distant again and I got anxious - I still loved her I guess.  But I was overly anxious after what had happened, couldn't trust her and I did say that I couldn't go on without better communication.  She told me I was insecure.

- Once we met in Europe her moods were all over the place, we had arguments, I nearly left her, she devalued me incredibly - all mixed in with some truly beautiful and intimate days.  She kept changing what she wanted to do in life - first she was talking about prams and us together, then she wanted to live in London, next it was SE Asia

- After one argument she organized to see her friends in Bali, which I accepted, she left me in London and while we parted ways with her saying how much we loved each other, she was super distant once in Bali and I annoyed her with my incessant need for knowing where I stood with her.

- We finally met back in Australia where she came around to mine (she now had ten tattoos from Bali) and we broke up, her telling me she doesn't have the capacity to give me what I want, that I should see a shrink for my intense depression, we could still be friends and hang out.

I hurt so much because I was there at her hour of need, I truly loved and cared for her so much and I withstood so much abuse from her.  I just want her to say "thank you Stu, I'm sorry, I can't do us but I appreciate what you have done for me".  When I vented my frustration to her via text, told her I thought she had BPD traits, she said she would be contacting the police and reporting me for harrassment. 

I know I have a rescuer tendency that stems from my older brother developing a mental illness when we were young and dealing with an unhappy home life due to this disappointment.  I get that it can be a selfish flaw, but I really tried to help my girl and love her the best I could.

I know there are always two sides to a story - and then there is the truth... .

... .But I've tried to just lay out the facts free of emotion; may someone tell me if this seems indicative of BPD?

Thanks so much.

[enlighten me]

Hi Stu

Welcome to the family.

Theres a lot in there that rings alarm bells to me and reminds me of my exs.

Whether she is BPD or not the behaviour isn't acceptable. While having a name to put on it helps some of us will never know the truth of it. Neither of my exs are diagnosed (as far as I know) but their behaviour means that I am comfortable with my decision to think of them as BPD. My ex MIL even agrees that it fits my ex wife and that her daughter ticks all nine of the DSM 4 criteria.

My best suggestion is to keep reading and maybe have a look at the DSM for other disorders to see if that is a better fit. I used to think my wife was HPD until I found out about BPD and then the penny dropped.

[half-life]

Hi Stu,

This is a good account of details in your relation. I share the exact same experience to at least half of what you've written. My wife blame me for not being with her when she was by her estranged father's death bed, 10 year after the event. Had she told me in plain term it was the most critical moment for her, she needed me to be there, I would have flown to the other side of the globe to be with her. Some how it has never come up until 10 years later. Now there is a permanent fault I can never fix.

"We had arguments that I couldn't understand" - this is also my early red flag. We are together for 15 years. This happens in the first year and it left me completely befuddled. It took me a long time to learn rational argument, my primary way of interaction, will never work with her.

Right now you have some good moments and some bad moments. For me, fast forward to 15 years later, I have 90% bad time and perhaps 5% good time. That 5% good time really don't matter when 90% of time I was devalued and berated.

You cared for her and you tried to help her. So did I. And I earned nothing but resent and contempt. You should know it is unlikely for your partner to change. People can only adapt to each other. Take some time off for yourself. Do not preoccupy with her. Do not rush to fix things. Give yourself some space to think about what do you want in the long term. Then you will have more clarity to choose.

[thisworld]

Dear Stu,

I'm new here like yourself but, yes, our stories are very similar. And when you read stories of other people, I think many things will resonate with you - if not in terms of your ex girlfriend's behaviour, then in terms of your own reactions to it. My ex partner with BPD and strong narcissistic traits had an addiction problem, too. Durng our relationship he was dysfunctional. He had gone into his last rehab because he wanted to be with me, however, he didn't continue with his suboxone, went back to intravenous opiate use as well as abusing prescription drugs and everything came like a tornado to me. Why did I go into it? I'm a functioning, independent and more or less confident person with a good, creative career and financial independence until the end of my life. Yet, I have had my share of sorrow in human condition and have learnt that people can act outside themselves in certain circumstances. I believe everyone deserves a change. Why did I not stay in this relationship? Because I'm not the blind rescuer or codependent I used to be and have better boundaries nowadays. OK. This is where I am at this point in my life. 

Toward the end of our short relationship (we were co-habiting) he started showing violence and whenever his BPD triggered something in him, he had parasuicide actions related to drugs. Unfortunately, this is something that can go wrong very quickly and he ended up in reanimation units twice in 10 days because of overdoses. He was somehow insensitive to these overdoses, it was part of his life no matter how extreme it seems to us. I, on the other hand, was devastated.

I think leaving was the best help you could have given to your ex girlfriend. BPD is triggered in intimate relationships, things start going wrong whenever they feel something resembling real warmth or love. This is damaging to us emotionally; at the same time, when there are drugs at play, the way they act out becomes very dangerous for them, too. Our presence triggers them.

From the BPD perspective, I can empathise with my partner to a degree. Full empathy doesn't mean that I would allow him go on ding what he did to me, either. He also had strong narcissistic traits and emotional sadism which became very prominent towards the end. I have no sympathy for those in an ongoing intimate relationship- I was raised by a narc mother and it took me a long time to even partially heal from my childhood wounds. From the addiction perspective however, I believe my partner was much more used to going with the flow anyway and I was yet another chapter in his life which ended when recovery became a serious issue. He is able to accept people coming in and going out of his life because his first relation is actually with drugs.   

I think, interpersonal problems and crises caused by BPD become so taxing sometimes that we tend to ignore the addiction to a degree. Sometimes, in more difficult relationships, we even secretly hope that they will do something and stop pestering us for a moment. Actually, this is a common reaction of partners of addicts. And hiding your meth stuff from your partner is not a small issue. Today, rehab sorts out withdrawal pains very easily but for maintenance, active ongoing recovery work is necessary. Without that, few relations stand a chance, and the non-addicted partner suffers a lot.

For me, the double trap of BPD with narcissism and addiction was that boundaries I had to have for myself to live comfortably with an addict were constantly and almost sadistically tested by his BPD. I am along the SMART RECOVERY  line and know that I cannot control anybody's addiction. Now that I agreed to live with him, I didn't ban his drug use, either. (That doesn't work) I just designed a clean room for myself in my own house where I could go and relax and not react to him angrily, either. I explained to him that I wanted this both for myself and for him because my reactions were not fair even if he was using. I think that's humane and good enough. So many addicts would appreciate it. But then it become his full-time job to break this boundary and do his stuff in my clean room - of all places in a large enough house! Even if he didn't have a disorder, the way he handled his addiction - which causes other cognitive distortions and creates dysfunctional coping skills- would bring our end. Addiction cannot exist where there is trust and honesty, relationships cannot continue without these. Your partner would have to solve this at one point. It just becomes almost impossible because BPD and drugs together just creates no-win situations for both partners. It's not good for either. And then, sometimes, it just turns into a tornado - I've shared my experience with you.

I think the bigger help you could have offered was to end this, even though it may not feel like this at the moment.

Stay strong,