This has to be it- please help me stay strong

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello

I've been reading all the boards for about six months now, depending on the particular stage of recycle/delight/discard we were in and whether I was feeling strongly that I could hang in there or strongly that I had to leave, or unsure. This changed daily, but always felt strongly, as I experienced all the same things that all have you experience, typical uBPD story- the perfect soul mate turned emotional abuser who sees the self as victim because I'm the abuser. You know it all. The past six months have been an almost daily break up / make up, sometimes at their instigation, sometimes mine, but always doomed within a week at most.

A week ago, they came to see me and we had a very pleasant reasonable conversation where they said they didn't want to be in this relationship any more as it was unhealthy for us both, they've wanted out for the past six months and it's been over for them since then. I know that this is both true and not true; I think they do in theory want to be with me but have enough self awareness to know it is too hard for them to deal with emotionally, hence a big part of the push/pull. They asked if we could have NC as it would be easier for us both. I agreed.

So, all well and good, couldn't really have asked for a nicer ending, given everything. Except. Me. I went into complete overdrive of panic and desperation trying to get them not to leave me, dragged out every reason that I've used for the past six months, and more, and basically hounded them with calls, texts, emails, what's app, messenger, fb, Skype. You name it, I contacted them, pretty much begging. All to be met with no reply.

And today it hit me that at timesI have in the past been scared in my house and paranoid at work because of their stalking and dogged pusuit of me, and here was I - I can just imagine them telling their friends about the crazy psycho stalker ex- and it would be true.

So here I am. From tomorrow this stops. I go NC. I have absolutely no idea how i do it, because we've been in touch constantly for three years, even when broken up (often) and I am completely programmed to getting them back when they pull away, it's  the way we've operated pretty much from the start. But I cannot be the crazy psycho stalker ex.

I'd really appreciate some encouragement to keep me on track,I know it's going to be tough. Not the first couple of days perhaps, I'm used to that, but to keep it going. I have to keep it going this time.

Thank you

[La Carotte]

Hello

I've been reading all the boards for about six months now, depending on the particular stage of recycle/delight/discard we were in and whether I was feeling strongly that I could hang in there or strongly that I had to leave, or unsure. This changed daily, but always felt strongly, as I experienced all the same things that all have you experience, typical uBPD story- the perfect soul mate turned emotional abuser who sees the self as victim because I'm the abuser. You know it all. The past six months have been an almost daily break up / make up, sometimes at their instigation, sometimes mine, but always doomed within a week at most.

A week ago, they came to see me and we had a very pleasant reasonable conversation where they said they didn't want to be in this relationship any more as it was unhealthy for us both, they've wanted out for the past six months and it's been over for them since then. I know that this is both true and not true; I think they do in theory want to be with me but have enough self awareness to know it is too hard for them to deal with emotionally, hence a big part of the push/pull. They asked if we could have NC as it would be easier for us both. I agreed.

So, all well and good, couldn't really have asked for a nicer ending, given everything. Except. Me. I went into complete overdrive of panic and desperation trying to get them not to leave me, dragged out every reason that I've used for the past six months, and more, and basically hounded them with calls, texts, emails, what's app, messenger, fb, Skype. You name it, I contacted them, pretty much begging. All to be met with no reply.

And today it hit me that at timesI have in the past been scared in my house and paranoid at work because of their stalking and dogged pusuit of me, and here was I - I can just imagine them telling their friends about the crazy psycho stalker ex- and it would be true.

So here I am. From tomorrow this stops. I go NC. I have absolutely no idea how i do it, because we've been in touch constantly for three years, even when broken up (often) and I am completely programmed to getting them back when they pull away, it's  the way we've operated pretty much from the start. But I cannot be the crazy psycho stalker ex.

I'd really appreciate some encouragement to keep me on track,I know it's going to be tough. Not the first couple of days perhaps, I'm used to that, but to keep it going. I have to keep it going this time.

Thank you

[JQ]

Finally,

I'll be the first to welcome you since this is your first post ... .after reading your post several times I'm confused as to who "They" are ... .

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Good for you, La Carotte.  Glad you are here. 

As for me, there were times when NC was literally MINUTE to MINUTE.  Second to second.  At my weak  moments, I would come post here instead.  Call my sisters.  Read a book.  Take a walk.  Cry.  Write in my journal (I did a lot of writing).  Color.  Zentangle. 

The other thing that helps me is I set time targets.  I always start with 60 days as my official NC target, but then I give myself smaller steps/increments along the way.  1 day, 2 days, 1 week, 10 days, 2 weeks, 4 weeks, etc. 

Never once have I hit the target and wanted to break NC.  Maybe because once I hit the target I am excited by my success and I feel inspired to hit the next target.  Usually there are moments in btwn targets that I want to break it, but I don't because I keep my eyes on the prize of the next target.   

I also make a chart where I can PROUDLY check off each day of no contact.  Once I hit 60 days, then I extend it to 90, then 120, 6 months, 1 year, etc.  And I just keep on going. I have just passed the year mark.  My UxBPDbf stalked and harassed like crazy but I never gave in.  Not once.  You can do this!

And keep on posting here.  Non-stop if need be. 

You can do this. 

[hollycat]

I am working on day at a time NC. So far, I am on day 3. It is tough. But each day, I reread some of our last text messages and I see how devaluing they are to me. I see how I gave him another opportunity to be less miserable, and he rejected it.  I have said all I need to say. So, NC. I must protect my dignity and self esteem, which I was doing a pretty good job of busting up. Will I hear from him again? Don't know and I look forward to the day when I don't care. Each day I care less and less.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

The other thing I do is constantly ask myself, "who do I want to be?"   ":)o I want to be that woman in that kind of relationship who is too afraid/insecure to leave?"  

The answer is I do not.  I really don't.  And the only way to not be that woman is to not be her.  Wanting to be her is not enough.  

I must actually BE her.  I must actually DO it:  NC.  :)ay after day after day.  In the good moments and in the crazy hard, bad, scary moments.  I must just keep on doing NC.  

[La Carotte]

Thank you for the welcomes and words of encouragement, they made me smile and think, yes I can do this!

JQ- they/them is my ex's chosen personal pronoun

ReclaimingMyLife- minute by minute and it builds up to a year... .I can't really imagine going for a month let alone a year, so well done you!

I think target setting is a great idea. I'm going to go for 10 days. This is twice what I've ever done and seems forever.

hollycat- at the moment I think I've said all I need to say, but the problem is that a couple of days down the line I think of something i Just HAVE to say, because this is the thing that will change everything- of course that works! This will be the test for me. I need to post here instead. It made me smile about protecting dignity- am feeling that's a little late for me just now. I need to work on getting mine back, at least in my own mind, and not caring what they think!

Thanks again guys

FIT

[La Carotte]

The other thing I do is constantly ask myself, "who do I want to be?"   ":)o I want to be that woman in that kind of relationship who is too afraid/insecure to leave?"  

The answer is I do not.  I really don't.  And the only way to not be that woman is to not be her.  Wanting to be her is not enough.  

I must actually BE her.  I must actually DO it:  NC.  :)ay after day after day.  In the good moments and in the crazy hard, bad, scary moments.  I must just keep on doing NC.  

That is such a good way to think, thank you! I must actually DO it, wanting to be that woman is not enough, I need to be her! I will be her. I used to be her, and can be again. Will be again but with added knowledge.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

The other thing I do is constantly ask myself, "who do I want to be?"   ":)o I want to be that woman in that kind of relationship who is too afraid/insecure to leave?"  

The answer is I do not.  I really don't.  And the only way to not be that woman is to not be her.  Wanting to be her is not enough.  

I must actually BE her.  I must actually DO it:  NC.  :)ay after day after day.  In the good moments and in the crazy hard, bad, scary moments.  I must just keep on doing NC.  

That is such a good way to think, thank you! I must actually DO it, wanting to be that woman is not enough, I need to be her! I will be her. I used to be her, and can be again. Will be again but with added knowledge.

A-freaking-MEN!    

[hollycat]

There is a topic on this board I think, called "message in a bottle" if you  need to post that ONE last thing.  My BpdH and I have gone back and forth so much, I am satisfied there is nothing left for me to say to turn this situation around. Knowing that gives me some measure of peace I did not have a month ago.  One thing I told him was this, sent via text.

The person you want; the happy, strong, emotionally healthy person you believe will teach you, show you, how to "get fixed" will never stay around you long enough to help you. An emotionally  healthy person will not put up with your rages, delusions and controlling behaviors.

Certainly I was more emotionally healthy before I met him and am working to regain it now. I had forgotten  how to smile and laugh and it's coming slowing back to me. When I smile, I feel like my face is rusty.  Not a good feeling at all.

[hollycat]

Off topic question, do many borderlines commonly refer to themselves in the third person? And if so, why?  I thought my BpdH was unusual for doing so. When texting, he refers to himself by his own name.  Rather than, I went to the store, he will say: T went to the store.

in some of our texts, i start referring to myself as holly as well and it makes for weird reading

[JQ]

finally,

As I said, Welcome to the group ... .i'm glad you found the group ... .it sounds like you've had a real tough experience over the last 3 years like most of us. As you've learned no one here will judge you but give you a cyber hug   when needed.  We can tell you what worked for us and what didn't work for us and give you as much support as we can. We can't walk your journey for you but be there with a helping hand to pull you up, dust you off and then it's up to you to continue your journey on the path your on, choose a different path or stay where you are. You didn't Cause it! You can't Control it!  YOU can't Cure it!  You need to take care of yourself ... .you're not responsible for her or anyone else actions but your own ... .you are responsible for your own happiness!  

So you want to go full on NC ,... it's going to be tough no doubt about it. First thing ... .come back here as much as you need to ... .to vent as sometimes it's therapeutic  ... .to get some guidance ... .or that cyber hug. From the sounds of things your partner is in the push you away part of the classic push / pull relationship. Take a deep breath ... .now take another one ... .things are going to get better ... .they always get better.  So you have to ask yourself with the daily break up, arguments, mental, emotional, physical abuse did you like? I'm pretty sure none of it ... .so why do you want to continue down this path that 6 months of history has shown nothing good comes from that?  You like a lot of us are codependents or care givers ... .and you have to respect yourself ... .you have to heal yourself ... .you have to be happy with who you are and where you're at in life ... .and at the moment it doesn't appear that you are ready for any type of a relationship. You have a lot of homework to do on yourself first and foremost.

SO i'm sure you've seen the references at the top and to the side of this website to read and learn from. I would also suggest to read a couple of books "The Human Magnet Syndrome", and "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I would also suggest that like a lot of us you seek out professional counseling to help with getting through this and to help with your own self esteem to move forward and work on yourself for that person that is in your future. Most of us have had professional help and it does help ... .it doesn't happen over night ... .but it does help.

If you look deep within and know in your heart that it's time to move onward ... .then you should do the following.  Block her number on your phone ... .then delete her from your contacts. This way you won't be tempted to call her and you won't see any calls or text from her when she does reach out. Yes she will reach out to you in the future and she'll let all her flying monkey's out of her cage and this crazy train roller coaster will start all over again and all the progress you've made will be for nothing. If you have a Facebook page ... .if you don't delete you account for whatever reason then you need to block her and resist the temptation to go to her FB page ... .nothing good will come from that so do something else besides sitting at home on a friday night surfing FB and actually get out for a burger & a beer, a salad & a glass of water,  Taco's & juice ... .anything but get the hell out of your place and explore AND LIVE LIFE!  elete them from every other type of social media ... .Skype, what's app and messenger ... .NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM THIS!  Ask mutual friends not to talk about her in your presence and if you have to ... .delete them from social media.

You have to stay busy ... .get out of the house ... .go to a movie ... .a bite to eat. Call an old friend you haven't talking to in months or years and catch up. Go on a walk every morning before work ... .go for a bike ride ... .go to a coffee shop ... .go someplace different that you normally wouldn't go and maybe do it with a friend you normally wouldn't ... .the bottom line is to get out of the house.  If the holiday specials & commercials get to you while you're watching tv then do what I do. I tape all the shows I normally watch and before you know it you have several to watch and you can fast forward through the commercials ... .it's a small thing ... .but it really helps me during this time of the year when movies & commercials might put a dent in your mental well being. I've even started to tape things on other channels that I normally wouldn't and I've actually learned a lot of things that I didn't know.

Then when you need to come back here and check in with us ... .let us know how your doing ... .reach out for a hand up ... . 

Have a great day !  things are going to get better Finally ... .they will get better.

JQ

[La Carotte]

hollycat- your words about your face feeling rusty when you smile made me feel very sad, I'm sorry that you feel like that.

I think what you say about feeling there is  ithing left to say to turn it around is the key... .Good luck with your NC, and thanks for taking the time for me.

As for the pronoun, it's more about gender identity than BPD in my ex's case, I don't know with other pwBPD.

JQ- thank you for all the advice! My big problem is that I'm able, and regularly do sit for hours just staring into space, ruminating wildly. I have made myself go through the motions of reconnecting with friends, most of whose I've neglected terribly or have a difficult relationship with now because they're so fed up of hearing about the terrible relationship with ex (just want to protect me, I do get it). So I have seen them a bit but a) I don't really want to be bothered because I'm not interested in them, only me and ex and b) we dont mention ex, which is of course all I can think about. But I'm doing it.

As for tv and anything relating to holidays I cannot bear to think about it. We have a hotel in a wonderful city booked and I'm going to go on my own. I am avoiding all things festive and am keeping my eye fix firstly on 1st January.

I read all the lessons on the site months ago and think it's time to reread them, but this time do them, so that I can BE that woman, not just want to be her.

Thanks again guys, I really appreciate your time and concern. I'll keep posting.

[JQ]

Finally,

It's tough ... .no doubt about it ... .but you need to take baby steps! One step at a time ... .you'll take a step backwards now and again ... .we all have ... .but straighten yourself up ... .lean forward and take the next step forward!  From my time in the military I learned that 30 days makes a habit ... .PT every other day ... .30 days it becomes habit ... .eating right for 30 days it'll become a habit ... .etc etc etc   Write on a piece of paper / yellow sticky ... .all the things you didn't like ... .like constant yelling, constant fighting, constant this or that. Write down ... .YOU didn't Cause it! YOU can't Control it! YOU can't Cure it! and put that sticky on the fridge AND bathroom & bedroom mirror so you see it several times a day to help with the process ... .trust me ... .it helps!  Write down ... .Her flying monkey's ARE NOT my flying monkey's!   Write down ... .Love yourself! Enjoy life! Enjoy your friends & family!  Enjoy the small things! Enjoy the sights, smells & sounds on my walk! Enjoy LIFE!

Don't forget to really look into some professional therapy ... .it helps more then you really know and most if us have had gone. I've learned it's not a sign of weakness but a great sign of strength to know when to ask for help ... .we all have weak moments ... .there is no way any of us can have all the answers. IN the process you can learn more about yourself and why you are the person you are ... .it's really opened my eyes and I learned a lot of why things are in my life and that can only be good moving forward.

Like most of us you're probably a perfectionist ... .wanting to do everything right so that it makes your S/O happy and they won't be mad, yell, or be upset. Like most of us you're probably the Sheriff riding in town with the white hat to protect everyone from everything ... .you want to save others who need to be saved ... .like most of us. But through a lot of homework, reading, therapy, looking inward and self evaluation I learned why I was that way ... .I learned that it was ok not to be perfect and to take care of my needs ... .it was ok to be selfish from time to time and be responsible for  our happiness ... .not to find happiness or self in someone else's happiness ... .but to do things that we like ... .like a good Chinese restaurant ... .or go to the gym ... .or a bike ride ... .or sleep in and be lazy for a day or two ... .not to cater to a person's every need. It's ok to say no ... .so really think about and consider that professional assistance too.     Have a piece of chocolate cake ... .ONE PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE!  then go for a walk around the block to work it off   

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! STOP STARING INTO SPACE OR THE TV FOR HOURS!     Nothing good comes from sitting around & what did you call it ... .oh yeah ... .ruminating wildly.   Make plans to go see a Saturday afternoon matinee ... .The James Bond movie is good and I really enjoyed the Martian with Matt Damon. Go for a  walk ... .it only takes about 15-20 minutes to walk a mile ... .and that's dragging your butt    Getting the blood out of your butt will help with all the positive endorphins with exercise. You can start out with that mile ... .and don't tell me you can't do it. I have a spinal cord injury and get out myself    Enjoy the birds, the sun, the sky, enjoy the sounds of little kids a a park ... .go to a local dog park and enjoy that. Most animal shelters need volunteers to walk the dogs at the shelter every weekend ... .think about that.  Go to the local VA hospital and volunteer to assist where you can ... .there are a lot of VETS out there that would love to just talk ... .it might put some things in perspective ... .or they might need help getting from point A to B within the hospital ... .both female and male vets ... .its a way to pay things forward and food for the soul at the same time.

Baby steps ! 30 days makes a habit !

JQ

[cloudten]

Finally,

You can do it. If I can do it... .and I have been in your shoes 1000 times... if I can do it, you can do it.

You have to absolutely treat it like an addiction. Cold turkey. It's like heroin. no joke. I battle myself every second of every day and I have been NC for 9 weeks after a 3 year relationship of CONSTANT communication. It was like my job to communicate with him 24/7.

A couple of tips.

Block all social media. Do it. Now. Close facebook. Delete the apps from your phone. Block them everywhere... .or better yet just close everything you can. Don't do things that hurt yourself. Looking them up on social media will hurt... .its not a promise, its a guarantee.

You need to have a very solid game plan for when you get that urge for your fix of talking to them. I have about 10 steps that I force myself to to take before I hit "send" on that text or email. (and I have only failed once so far- I got no response- I can't believe I just admitted that here)

For me, I need things very concrete... .so here is my partial list for you:

1. call/text a friend

2. exercise or work out (go for a walk) until you drop... .or at least an HOUR

3. eat/drink something (not alcohol)

4. go to sleep (take a nap or for the night)

5. Take a shower (water is cleansing)

6. meditate or pray

7. post here

8. call my dad

9. do something for yourself... .massage, manicure, haircut, etc.

If I go thru this list, and I still want to hit send... .then I will... .but I have yet to actually do it. You need to make a solid game plan for yourself to avoid avoid avoid contacting them.

Most of the time, working out, shower, then sleep does the trick. When I wake up... .that immediate "gotta do it now" urge is gone or mostly gone.

You have to cut absolutely every thread... .as painful as it is... .cut every thread. No words with friends.

Seek peace and pursue it... .pursue it hard.  The peace on the other side is amazing.

Last piece of advice:

NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM. You have to fill your time and consciousness and the vacuum with something else or you will be in misery. I am not going to lie, the 8 o'clock hour in the morning is very hard for me. That is when we always texted or woke up together.  In that hour, every morning... .i pretty much text my entire contact list "good morning"... .and start my day with positive contact with people who care about me. You MUST replace the things you did with something else.  I do have to say... .I am still like pavlov's dog with my cell phone. Everytime I have a text I jump to look at it and then get a little disheartened when its not him... .still. We texted CONSTANTLY.  I do have to say- I am finally enjoying the peace... .and the drama-less-ness that the lack of texts brings with it.

Lastly- protect your peace. protect your peace. protect your peace. Do not do things that will bring you hurt... .just don't do it. You have COMPLETE control over what drama comes into your life. Don't let the drama in. Protect your peace like your life depends on it... .and learn to love yourself.

Feel free to DM me anytime... .definitely post when you need to.

The struggle is real

If I can do it, you can absolutely do it.

[La Carotte]

Morning guys, no time to post as need to go to work but just wanted to say that your messages have made me feel strong and determined. First day of NC starts here. When I get the urge today im going to think of you all... Will report back later... .Happy Friday everyone!

[hollycat]

Here's to your first day! Here's to my fourth day! I looked at some pics of him this morning and had a slight urge to reach out but it was easily defeated. I keep chanting my mantra: said it all, said it all, said it all. 

[ReclaimingMyLife]

WOO HOO !  Congrats on getting to Day #1.  This is a life changing accomplishment.  Be so proud.

Just remember every second it is a choice of WHO YOU WANT TO BE.   Living into and thru it isn't always easy but the question always remains the same.

Have you seen the story of two wolves?  Here's one version (there are many and tho it may not actually be an old "Indian" story the point remains):  www.unbelievableyou.com/a-native-american-cherokee-story-two-wolves/

keep on keeping on. 

XOXO

rml

[La Carotte]

Congrats on making it through day four hollycat!

I've had a couple of wobbles but I kept thinking exactly what you say rml - what else is there that I can possibly say that I haven't already? Nothing! And what i did say fell on deaf ears anyway.

Two thoughts Ive had today: my ex doesn't want me. That's really really tough to admit, becuase my ex idolised me and always wanted to spend every second with me because I was the best person in the entire world ever, and it's hard now to think that they'd prefer to NOT be with me, possibly even with someone else. And especially as the reasons are false and based on an idea of me that isn't true. But nonetheless the truth is the same- my ex doesn't want me.

This is devastating but important for me to acknowledge as why would I want to force someone to be with me who clearly doesn't?

The second thing is that of course the truth is that I hope my ex will have a miraculous charge of heart and want me. I can't in all honesty say that I'd be willing to ignore them if they made contact. And it feels just too enormous to imagine never seeing them again. So what I've made peace with myself is this - that I won't contact ex. At all. Promise. I think that even if ex does contact me it won't be for a while, by which time I'll have had the space to have got a bit of perspective and hopefully by then I won't want to respond. This feels manageable for me. I know that this is still me keeping a bit of hope when I should be extinguishing all hope and I'm sure there will have to come a point when I accept that it over, end of story. But I'm just not able to think like that today. At least if I don't contact ex and get on with my life, I'm guarding tattered dignity and self respect and I'm getting on with my life.

Plus- at work today I realised I hadn't thought of ex for approx 5 mins, was so engrossed in something - was delighted!

Here's to a gentle weekend everyone... .

Ps your link made me smile rml- ex sent me that story a few weeks ago!

FIT

[La Carotte]

Nearly at the end of day two! hollycat, hope your day five is going well?

I'm feeling quite proud of myself.

Woke feeling terrible, huge urge to get in touch. So, I thought about what cloudten said about doing other things, thought about JQs advice to get off my butt and went for an hour's fast paced walk. Admittedly, I did go where I knew there was a chance I might bump into ex but I went anyway, and did feel so much better, and the urge passed. I'm so grateful to you guys!

I was dreading this weekend as I had no plans, and usually this is dangerous territory or at least just a chance to stay in bed and dwell. But actually what I did was spend the afternoon at a homeless shelter I sometimes go to, and this evening I've cooked myself my first meal for about three weeks, my favourite dish, which takes lots of preparation, and I cleaned my bathroom. This is all actually a lot for me, and the first steps towards self care Ive taken for a while so im happy with myself.

The other thing is that I saw ex. We were in our cars and it is likely but not certain that ex was on their way to see me. My heart leapt, of course, but I kept on driving away from my home to where I was going. Ex turned and followed me, and came up behind me sounding the horn. I gave a brief wave in the rear view mirror and carried on driving to my destination. Ex then went a different way.

Four outcomes of this:

I was on tenterhooks waiting for a text or call, but was actually relieved rather than disappointed it didn't come.

I thought briefly of going back home, as that's what I've always done and what ex would have been expecting, but I didn't, I kept on with my plans

I didn't obsess about it and its meaning nearly as much as I might have done

I had no desire whatsoever to contact ex because I thought either it was a coincidence in which case nothing's changed, or ex was on way to mine, and then veered off because angry I didn't stop, and didn't contact me in a positive way to say could we chat, so nothing's changed there either. Either way, absolutely no point in my making contact and I have nothing I want to say, or want to hear that I have a realistic chance of hearing.

So, all in all, a pretty successful second day. Hope you don't mind me posting like this about it, I suppose it feels kind of validating to be able to share it with people I know will understand.

FIT

[ReclaimingMyLife]

A WICKEDLY SUCCESSFUL DAY!   Outstanding that you stayed the course to your destination.  Congratulations!  You are BEING a woman who respects herself.  Way to go.  Keep up the good work.  You are a bad ass NC Warrior

[hollycat]

You are a badass warrior NC! I am not sure I would have been able to make myself go on! It helps me that BpdH is 550 miles away from me; very unlikely to run into him unless he does decide to come see me.

I have made it through Day 5, NC. I have a few tiny wobbles today, but nothing I could not defeat. I just keep thinking about his reference to my money from my three jobs as "pennies" and it pisses me the hell off and makes me realize what an a-hole he can be. But he does know that.

I never expected to go from Goddess Holly to devalued but it happened.

I am feeling good and have plans tonight. Let's keep on the good road!

[La Carotte]

Hahaha! I AM a Badass NC Warrior!

Thank you so much both- and hollycat, I hope that you feel like Goddess Holly this evening... .

Am smiling big!

[hollycat]

I do feel like Goddess Holly tonight and the Goddess does not take crappy treatment!   

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Amen to being Bad-Ass NC Warriors and Goddesses who take no crap!   

Kudos to you both, FIT and Hollycat.  Just keep up the great work.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

FIT, are you on day #5?  Way to go!  Just checking on you and cheering you on.  The early days can feel so difficult but are so important. 

[La Carotte]

ARGH, no!

I didn't contact ex, which I am at least proud of.

But ex contacted me several times, was so conciliatory, saying things I'd waited a long time to hear in terms of self recognition, so I succumbed, we spent a lovely day  together, with more of the same unheard before insights and apparently genuine concern for me... .and then today - BAM! Straight back to the circus, all the usual showstoppers and a few extra!

And so, deep breath, tomorrow I will start again, and I will try not to berate myself too much for being a deluded fool, and I will remember that I am in fact, FIT, the Badass NC Warrior. Sigh.

ps Thank you for thinking of me, RML, I do appreciate that, even if I do feel a bit stupid.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

No need to feel stupid.  You got some good confirmation of reality.  As my good friend used to say to me, simply, "begin again."

You are the Bad Ass NC Warrior!

XOXO