Go" no contact" , if you can.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

We have no contact with my BPD neice now and  her npd husband. We get a once a month visitation with her son, my nephew, through her ex husband(my 8 year old nephews biological father).

I am his great aunt. His grandma and grandfather host the visit at their house. The visits can be really rough, as he  is belligerent when he comes over and tells his grandmother and grandfather repeatedly that they don't love his mom. Yet even with his terrible attitude, he at some point relaxes and things get better, then its time for him to go home.

The best part is, we have no contact with his mom and her husband.

So here it is, that reason that I am writing this.

It is so good not to have zero contact with these two really sick people.

I don't perseverate on the bad feelings, the things I can't change.

Yes it's all painful.

The relationship with my nephew is strained .

My niece has a new child I probably never see, but to live without the constant nastygrams, and thinking what can I do to make it better, is so freeing!

Yes the only reason why this situation happened is cause we support her ex husband and his case in court  , to have court ordered visitations, she denied him.

It's limited visits of course, but it works. I hope in time maybe at some point after the case is heard, things will get better with my nephew, but I know it could take years, as they mess with his head and teach him to hate the people that love him. My neice and her husband have acted terribly towards her parents for years and this is even with her dad's pancreatic cancer diagnosis. She has  so much empathy. NOT!

Yet with all its limitations its not just bearable its 100% better.

You really don't know  what it's like till you have no contact.

Go for it if you can.

You will get your life back.

[yehudis]

We have no contact with my BPD neice now and  her npd husband. We get a once a month visitation with her son, my nephew, through her ex husband(my 8 year old nephews biological father).

I am his great aunt. His grandma and grandfather host the visit at their house. The visits can be really rough, as he  is belligerent when he comes over and tells his grandmother and grandfather repeatedly that they don't love his mom. Yet even with his terrible attitude, he at some point relaxes and things get better, then its time for him to go home.

The best part is, we have no contact with his mom and her husband.

So here it is, that reason that I am writing this.

It is so good not to have zero contact with these two really sick people.

I don't perseverate on the bad feelings, the things I can't change.

Yes it's all painful.

The relationship with my nephew is strained .

My niece has a new child I probably never see, but to live without the constant nastygrams, and thinking what can I do to make it better, is so freeing!

Yes the only reason why this situation happened is cause we support her ex husband and his case in court  , to have court ordered visitations, she denied him.

It's limited visits of course, but it works. I hope in time maybe at some point after the case is heard, things will get better with my nephew, but I know it could take years, as they mess with his head and teach him to hate the people that love him. My neice and her husband have acted terribly towards her parents for years and this is even with her dad's pancreatic cancer diagnosis. She has  so much empathy. NOT!

Yet with all its limitations its not just bearable its 100% better.

You really don't know  what it's like till you have no contact.

Go for it if you can.

You will get your life back.

[Kwamina]

Hi yehudis

I am glad you are at least able to see your little nephew some of the time. The whole situation is complicated though. Dealing with abuse is very unpleasant and I can understand why you don't want to deal with that.

Going NC or not is always a highly personal decision that everybody has to make for themselves. Whether someone decides to go NC or not, I think the most important thing to keep in mind is always to be mindful of your own well-being. Whether you are NC or not, protecting yourself is very important and setting and enforcing/defending boundaries is essential for that.

Now that you are NC I encourage you to also use this period to heal yourself from your past experiences. You for instance mention previous thoughts of 'what you can do to make things better'. The reality is that we cannot change the other person if they do not want to change. What we can do however is change our own behavior and by changing that we will be able to change the dynamics of our relationships with other people, regardless of whether they change or not.

Take care

[Notwendy]

I agree that to go NC or not is a personal choice and it also depends on how serious the dysfunction is, the distance apart, and other factors.

I think one determinant is that the person choosing to go NC or not does it for their own reasons.

I chose not to go NC with my mother. The choice is about me, and my own ethics, and also how much her behavior has an effect on me. Her behavior doesn't have the same effect on me as an adult as it did when I was a child.

A more distant relative may be easier to go NC with. I have not spoken to some members of my mother's FOO in quite a while. This isn't a formal "we are NC" situation, but simply that, they don't have much to do with me, and we have little reason to be in contact.

However, with my mother, I would feel uncomfortable not being in contact with her. She is a widow and on her own. Sibs and I are her next of kin. It isn't FOG. We just feel it is the right decision for us.

[anon72]

Hi,

I don't really have any advice for Yehudis - as I am extremely new to this board (and just recognized that my mother is BPD).  

However, can totally see that it is a personal matter, and depends on the circumstances. 

My mother lives overseas (so I don't have to see her personally very often).  However, she posts on my facebook page - and does the whole "I am a perfect mother - we love you dearly - etc. etc. - on some of my photos shared etc."  It is quite sickening - considering all the other things she does.   

Anyways, if I want a "breather" from her for a couple of months (in order to get my head together), how would you recommend that I approach it?  In other words, I guess I would need to go off Facebook for awhile.  :)o I just tell her that I need space for a couple of months from family or?  How does anyone else approach it?  And how do I stop her from sending email etc. or trying to contact me?  Thanks in advance. 

[busybee1116]

I'm glad you can go NC. Your situation sounds very unique in that you are dealing with a niece/nephew and grand-nephew, not a child or parent, and you still can have time with your grand-nephew! His grandmother/father (I assume one is your sibling), have they been able to go NC as well? In my situation, going NC would mean losing all contact with my uNPD father as well. He has his issues, but I love him and we have a manageable relationship. It would also create all sorts of havoc for my father and brother and I do not wish to visit that on them. It would also likely mean losing contact with many other relatives. Even though several think my uBPDm is problematic, a daughter not speaking to her mother would be unacceptable to them (even if some understood!). In my case, I've learned to navigate. Thankfully my mother isn't completely toxic, more pathetic. I'd have a harder choice (or maybe clearer?) then.

[busybee1116]

My mother lives overseas (so I don't have to see her personally very often).  However, she posts on my facebook page - and does the whole "I am a perfect mother - we love you dearly - etc. etc. - on some of my photos shared etc."  It is quite sickening - considering all the other things she does.  

Anyways, if I want a "breather" from her for a couple of months (in order to get my head together), how would you recommend that I approach it?  In other words, I guess I would need to go off Facebook for awhile.  :)o I just tell her that I need space for a couple of months from family or?  How does anyone else approach it?  And how do I stop her from sending email etc. or trying to contact me?  Thanks in advance.

I think it's totally up to you. Thank goodness my uBPDm is not on FB. If she was, I would probably fully restrict her access to my page so she could not post or view certain things. If she was smart enough to figure that out (that I've restricted her access), I would probably take a FB breather as well, post a message to all that I need to concentrate on work and have been spending too much time online. I keep in touch a lot with FB. It's been such a great way for me to reconnect with people. I would probably ultimately either go back with lots of restrictions or create a new page and only add my nearest and dearest friends.

[hwc9]

I went NC with my BPD mother about 3 1/2 years ago.  While it took a time to adjust to the new normal and all of the judgements from others about not being in touch with her, it has been wonderfully peaceful.  Friends of hers and family members certainly have their own ideas about me.  I have gotten to the point where I can't care what anyone thinks and have done what is best for me and my children.  I was just recalling today how much anxiety I would feel before she came for a visit (she lives 5 hours away).  Two weeks before the visit I could not eat, I would cry constantly, my kids got limited mothering from me, I picked fights with my husband, etc.  Then for at least two weeks after she left I would have to "decompress" and go through all of these horrible emotions.  I would cycle this way until her next scheduled visit.  For me, that was no way to live.  She just sent me a handwritten not basically "writing me off" and admonishing me for what I "chose" to do.  In my mind, she chose it with her horrible behaviors and inability to see any of this as her fault.