looking back a bit

[jasonb]

looking back on this whole emotional hurricane I wanted to vent a few things in refection/hindsight

-I need to trust my gut. Before I realized I was being abused something wasn't feeling "right"

-thank god for a friend of mine who is a criminologist who told me about cluster B...

-thanfully, I never got her pregnant woo

-I am thankful that we never combined finances

-I am thankful that really thankful that I called off our wedding

-despite all the abuse, lies, the accusations, the gas lighting, the vanishing acts, the belittling, the cross examinations, the rages, the overreactions to minor events and under reactions to major events, I am in some weird way glad I went through this. this has been incredibly inward searching and self growth. she exposed weaknesses I was unaware I had. I am however, damaged.

-I find myself thinking every little thing is a red flag. I realize I need to not date for a while. work on me

-I am going to learn to say :no. very simply the two letter  world NO

-I will no longer financially care take for anyone. this is going to take time to get myself out of her debt.

-I don't wish my ex on anyone.

-I am still not of this completely, I occasionally get the text and messaging barrage. I don't answer or if I do i say the same thing over and over example no no no no  no no... .

-this has been the most  traumatic experience of my life.

-I look at everything completely different. everything is now before her or after her.

-I pray that I do not find another romantic partner that has these traits ever again

-I realized that I have inner strength. I didn't stay very long after I found out I was being abused. I have noticed some hang  on far too long. I need to give myself a high five for that

-breaking up with this person was the single most dramatic thing that has ever happened to me. it was like a bad l lifetime movie. but I am gonna make it through

-I am evaluating my boundaries and finding out what a relationship means to me. and it's not narcissistic or one way...

sorry for the long post just wanted to vent