Christmas and BPD

[maxsterling]

Christmas day went great.  Absolutely great.  We invited W's parents (who are Jewish) to my parent's house out of town.  We drove together, all was a good time, and all went well.  Driving with W's parents was absolutely a great idea. 

But the holiday in general was not good.  Our gift to both of our parents was a framed wedding photo.  We had also planned on giving my family tree ornaments that were tiny frames with a wedding photo.  Choosing the frames was a stressful ordeal, as W put it upon herself to try and choose the frame for my parents, then complained of having to do the work, then complained about my parents taste in home décor, and on and on.  She absolutely would not leave the task up to me.

And then there was the photo - that was an HOURS long ordeal just to choose one photo.  W was spouting negative comments the whole time about the wedding, the photographer, the photos, her dress, etc.  Eventually, I told her to go through the photos and pic her 5 favorites, and I would then select among those.  All in all, this was by far the most difficult Christmas present I have ever given my parents.  The ornaments?  Well, W declared at the last minute she hated them and ordered me to not give them out.

Christmas day went great.  But the next few days were rough.  My parents took my nephew camping at a campground close to our house.  We spent time with them two days in a row.  W was grouchy and complained the whole time.  She just couldn't stop with the negative comments about my parents, my relationship with my parents, and my siblings.  I wound up listening to waaaay to much complaining, and now I feel down.  She would rattle of some gripe that usually involved the classic sarcasm, exaggeration, listing my shortcomings, finally with the "I'm not trying to be mean, it's just something I noticed."   

And with W being out of school for break, that means the barrage of text messages and phone calls when I am at work.  I have taken to not feeling obligated to answer the phone, and calling her back if it is important and when I have time. 

On the positive side, she's back at school next week.  I've also gotten back into a few hobbies, and right now that is a godsend.  I was also able to tell her on sunday that I wanted to stay home and watch the football game, and she was mostly okay with it and went out and went shopping on her own without complaint.  I was sure to be validating when she got home, and all in all that was a good day.

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[Notwendy]

Next year, send her to her parents' house for Hanukkah and have yourself an 8 day break. Then, get another 8 days by sending her there for Passover.

On a not so kidding note, you don't have to celebrate all holidays together if it doesn't go well with the mix of all the family members. Also, you can have a shorter visit. Consider, the two of you go for one night of Hanukkah with her family, Christmas with yours, then one night each for Easter, Passover. It may be more peaceful and less stressful than combining everyone and having several days in a row of family members.

She did well for one day but the additional two days may have been too stressful. Family dynamics can be stressful and adding both families together for an extended time could have been too much. One or two days with each family, not at the same time ( the holidays are sometimes not at the exact same time) may be easier on her.

Or do Christmas/Passover one year, Hanukkah/Easter the next, and not try both families at similar times of year for all holidays.

Make the different religions work for you as a couple. It could take some stress off.  I know some families that stress trying to see everyone for Christmas, and you don't need to do this.

[Notwendy]

Max, I am curious - is your wife's FOO aware of her illness and possibly could be a source of support for the two of you?

In many cases, I would think not, as dysfunction runs in families, but if they are supportive, and she can reach out to them, then that could be good.

I think many new couples have to adjust to holiday routines- his and hers, and eventually they establish their own. I know they try to make it as fair as possible when there are two families that welcome them at the holidays. However, it is also OK for each spouse to visit their own family on their own sometimes if they wish.

Also, even in the most functional of families, there are patterns and family roles. One reason I think holidays can feel stressful is that family members tend to revert into those roles when they are all together. Someone sensitive to this can feel some stress as well as out of step in the other one's family because they are not in sinc with the family roles, even if they are welcome.

There is also possibly some jealousy. No doubt your family wanted your attention, and that could have been difficult.

This was your first Christmas as a couple and perhaps how this one went- the positive and the difficult might bring some ideas for how to do future holidays with families.

[maxsterling]

Wendy - I see where you are coming from.  But in my wife's case, it's one of those things where it didn't matter what we did.  W was already in a bad mood simply because the holidays and families exist.  She would have been equally upset about something no matter what we did or how we did it. 

As for W's FOO, yes, they know all about W's mental illness, suicide attempts, drug abuse, and anger issues.  They lived with it for two decades, took her to rehabs, hospitals, and called police themselves.  The more I get to know them, the more I realize the picture my W paints of them is wrong.  W's father and stepmom care deeply about her, and want nothing more than for her to be happy and stable.  What my W sees as them being non-caring is actually boundaries.  W's parents are reluctant to give or lend money, because in the past W took the money to live recklessly.  They limit communication as to avoid W's abuse.  Perhaps there is something different that happened years ago, but as of right now, I see them being nothing but supportive. 

[maxsterling]

I listened to my wife rant again two nights ago about my parents, with all the same complaints:

- My mom talks wither mouth full.

- They are cheap

- They are irresponsible with my nephew

- My dad can't see

- My mom can't have an "adult" conversation.

- My parents don't "communicate" (meaning they don't answer the phone if they are busy  )

- They make no effort to get to know her.

Then my wife paused, told me she needs to stop being so judgmental when we have a child, then went on back to her rant, this time including me and how I am just as bad.

The next day, I asked my parents if they would lend us money for IVF.  My dad said "of course".  They are loaning us $15k, no questions asked.  I told W, W cried, said she felt grateful and loved... .

Later W said she wanted to send a "thank you" to them.  And here I am, feeling so torn and hurt and heartbroken because she said all those negative judgmental things, yet they have not ever once judged her or said anything negative about her.  And after their offer, still no apology to me for all those negative comments, still no apology to them.  I need to let this go today, but right now I just feel quite hurt. 

[Notwendy]

I think one way to look at the negative comments is that they are her in the moment feelings, said and forgotten ( not that you forget but she may).  Since she deals with hurt and negative feelings that are a part of her, this becomes a filter through which she experiences her world. Feeling something can cause us to find "evidence" of that feeling in the outside world.

For instance, someone who feels good about themselves could see people as affirming in general, and then if there is an encounter with someone who isn't affirming, might think " well, that person is just that way. " and not take it personally.

Someone who does not feel good about themselves might not be able to perceive affirming or caring gestures- they just get filtered out and the one non- affirming person becomes " proof" of their feelings.

Your wife could see the world in her own unique way and that's what it is. However, it doesn't have to be how you see it. Although you feel hurt, it really isn't about you or your family. It may be easier if you don't take her comments with as much significance to you.

[maxsterling]

Wendy - you are exactly right.  It's the whole feelings=facts, black/white.  What's real to W is whatever she is feeling at the moment.  I do my best to not take it personally.  I don't feel angry or resentful, mostly just deeply heartbroken.  And I think I need to feel it and not dismiss it, talk about it here or with my other emotional outlets and re-charge my batteries. 

[Notwendy]

Yes, you do need to feel your feelings and it is fine to talk about them here.

I don't want my outlook to stop you from feeling them! Please do.

One of the most helpful things about the personal work I did on co-dependency though was to not take other people's feelings as personally. That felt like a miracle when it started to happen. But this does not mean to not feel them or to negate them. I think we nons do that way too much as it is. It is to feel them, and then allow them to be felt and then, when they are over, they are over. The feelings are real and we can feel them as fully as they are.

It was making meaning out of them that I was able to change- realizing that they were not about me a large part of the time, and being accountable if I did do something that could be hurtful. But in general, I think I took too much responsibility for that.

I can hurt for someone- be sad that they can not see the kindness in others sometimes. That hurts, but it isn't about me.

I think a paradox can help you not take something as real. For instance, your family was very generous, and so if your wife says something critical about them, you can see that it doesn't make sense. A similar event happened with me last year. I had just made a big effort to get a gift for my MIL when my H accused me of being rude to her. The disparity was so obvious, that I could not relate to what he was saying at all. A year before that, I probably would have cried, but this time, my thinking was " this makes no sense". I did feel hurt, but did not make any more of the statement as it didn't seem true to me.

[waverider]

Your wife's constantly swinging black/white opinions, which probably reflect whether her needs are being met in the moment, are not going to change. You being affected by them is not going to change either. So accepting they affect you in this way, rather than trying to block it, will allow it to pass just like a shower on an otherwise sunny day.

Trying to resolve it is only going to hold that raincloud in place for more of the day.