Suffocation is as bad as rage I think

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This was a man who was so charming for so many reasons in the beginning of our relationship. But then he very quickly moved to a different and almost complete level of dysfunction that resulted in me leading a physically and emotionally exhausting  parallel life for a brief period. Rages and violence. Lots of splicing, naturally. Emotional affairs, sexual control. Still and still and still, there was something I found in him and could imagine a relationship, if he could solve some of his basic issues. 

Then I stopped thinking like this. I didn't like what I was turning to in this relationship. It was good that I remained in my boundaries and didn't contribute to the crisis with out of control behaviour. For a bit, I enjoyed being able to be the calm, firm, collected person I was because this came to me after lots of personal work on my FOO. I was almost proud of myself. Still, there was something I didn't like. The more I think about it, the more this becomes important to me and it's about me.

I was becoming too dutiful. Positive behaviour started to feel like a duty, especially when he seemed to do something positive. The duty to be reasonable, positive and constructive all the time. Did he do something hurtful, something controlling, emotionally abusive, something violent and splice( that is, started pretending like nothing happened in half an hour?), I felt obliged to stick to positive behaviour.  My inner world was different. Because I'm healthy and do not splice like him, it takes a longer time for me to integrate and sort out my feelings. I even told this to him and he seemed to understand, but I could see how emotionally unsafe it made him feel. In the end, frustration tolerance can develop not when I point at it, but by him working on it systematically. Being positive anytime he was became a big duty, I did it in a committed fashion but still it was becoming tiring, suffocating. I have a right to be negative or neutral when someone is positive as long as I stay in my boundaries. I'm entitled to feeling whatever I'm feeling and this cannot be dictated on me by what partner feels at that time. It resulted in me putting my feelings that needed care aside and always being positive out of ethics, even when I didn't want to be. I find this suffocating.

Same for coherence, he was such an incoherent person that I, trying to escape doing what he was doing, became super coherent. I was so coherent it felt rigid. And he had a radar for it, too. Just one incoherence from me, he would make a big issue of it. We almost had a secret war of my coherence. However, I always give myself the right to be incoherent. It's no biggie. I notice it, someone points at it and I do what's necessarily. It shouldn't give me such guilt.

These are how some positive things became difficult in my relationship and I find these more suffocating than other things. I think it's as bad as rages for me.

[thisworld]

This was a man who was so charming for so many reasons in the beginning of our relationship. But then he very quickly moved to a different and almost complete level of dysfunction that resulted in me leading a physically and emotionally exhausting  parallel life for a brief period. Rages and violence. Lots of splicing, naturally. Emotional affairs, sexual control. Still and still and still, there was something I found in him and could imagine a relationship, if he could solve some of his basic issues. 

Then I stopped thinking like this. I didn't like what I was turning to in this relationship. It was good that I remained in my boundaries and didn't contribute to the crisis with out of control behaviour. For a bit, I enjoyed being able to be the calm, firm, collected person I was because this came to me after lots of personal work on my FOO. I was almost proud of myself. Still, there was something I didn't like. The more I think about it, the more this becomes important to me and it's about me.

I was becoming too dutiful. Positive behaviour started to feel like a duty, especially when he seemed to do something positive. The duty to be reasonable, positive and constructive all the time. Did he do something hurtful, something controlling, emotionally abusive, something violent and splice( that is, started pretending like nothing happened in half an hour?), I felt obliged to stick to positive behaviour.  My inner world was different. Because I'm healthy and do not splice like him, it takes a longer time for me to integrate and sort out my feelings. I even told this to him and he seemed to understand, but I could see how emotionally unsafe it made him feel. In the end, frustration tolerance can develop not when I point at it, but by him working on it systematically. Being positive anytime he was became a big duty, I did it in a committed fashion but still it was becoming tiring, suffocating. I have a right to be negative or neutral when someone is positive as long as I stay in my boundaries. I'm entitled to feeling whatever I'm feeling and this cannot be dictated on me by what partner feels at that time. It resulted in me putting my feelings that needed care aside and always being positive out of ethics, even when I didn't want to be. I find this suffocating.

Same for coherence, he was such an incoherent person that I, trying to escape doing what he was doing, became super coherent. I was so coherent it felt rigid. And he had a radar for it, too. Just one incoherence from me, he would make a big issue of it. We almost had a secret war of my coherence. However, I always give myself the right to be incoherent. It's no biggie. I notice it, someone points at it and I do what's necessarily. It shouldn't give me such guilt.

These are how some positive things became difficult in my relationship and I find these more suffocating than other things. I think it's as bad as rages for me.