Hope for the New Year

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It was in January of this year that I had finally reached my limit, telling her-in the gentlest way imaginable-that she had to get a grip on this dreadful state of mind of hers that was probably as harrowing to her as it was to me.  After five years of continuously vexatious behaviour, I had reached my threshold.  Although she had been in my life for five years, when I finally crunched the numbers, she was only present for just under half that amount due to her protracted silences and extended absences.  

I was blessed in some respects, as she wasn’t a raging BPD, spitting venom each step of the way.  No, she was always restrained, but the intermittent absences were far too much to bear.  Looking back at all that nonsense now, I will never fully understand why I decided to endure and normalize behaviour that was abnormal, and personally debilitating.  

After five years, I put my foot down last January, and anticipated that she would soon disappear as a result of the shame invoked during our rather lengthy conversation regarding her condition.  Remarkably, she did apologize for passing my life through the mangle over the time we had been together.   Whether it was heartfelt or not, I appreciated the gesture.  She disappeared completely about a week later, formerly ending our association for good via email.  I had endured so much up to that point that I was emotionally numb to her departure.  

It later emerged that she had been seeing someone else in the months before her final email.  

I have been in your shoes-particularly over Christmas- and am here to confirm that life does get better.  Better than your wildest imaginings.  

I remember my early days with BPD, and the welter of painful confusion that eventually drove me to places like bpdfamily.  I recollect coming here, and reading the threads offered by those who had survived to tell their tale.  Buried so deep in my misery, it all seemed like hollow sloganeering at the time.

I survived, my friends, and so will you.  All the claims that have been made regarding “The Gift of the Borderline” are true; you will emerge from this experience smarter and stronger than you have ever been in your life.  

Some truths to keep in mind:

They do not love you; you are only a temporary means to an end.

YOU have to stop the cycle of nonsense/abuse, and this can be quite harrowing at first... .very harrowing in fact.  

Get out sooner rather than later, go no contact, and put this miserable episode behind you where it belongs.  

Unless they are actively engaged in therapy, they cannot-and will not-change; find someone who is worthy of your investment.  

In my experience, things only became progressively worse over time despite my kindnesses, and interventions.  

Do not become bogged down and embroiled by the whole BPD experience; the basic facts should be sufficient grounds to sever your connection to your troubled partner forever.  

Remember this:

You are not alone; you will survive; and the day will eventually dawn when you see the world as an auspicious place to inhabit again.    

[blanchard]

It was in January of this year that I had finally reached my limit, telling her-in the gentlest way imaginable-that she had to get a grip on this dreadful state of mind of hers that was probably as harrowing to her as it was to me.  After five years of continuously vexatious behaviour, I had reached my threshold.  Although she had been in my life for five years, when I finally crunched the numbers, she was only present for just under half that amount due to her protracted silences and extended absences.  

I was blessed in some respects, as she wasn’t a raging BPD, spitting venom each step of the way.  No, she was always restrained, but the intermittent absences were far too much to bear.  Looking back at all that nonsense now, I will never fully understand why I decided to endure and normalize behaviour that was abnormal, and personally debilitating.  

After five years, I put my foot down last January, and anticipated that she would soon disappear as a result of the shame invoked during our rather lengthy conversation regarding her condition.  Remarkably, she did apologize for passing my life through the mangle over the time we had been together.   Whether it was heartfelt or not, I appreciated the gesture.  She disappeared completely about a week later, formerly ending our association for good via email.  I had endured so much up to that point that I was emotionally numb to her departure.  

It later emerged that she had been seeing someone else in the months before her final email.  

I have been in your shoes-particularly over Christmas- and am here to confirm that life does get better.  Better than your wildest imaginings.  

I remember my early days with BPD, and the welter of painful confusion that eventually drove me to places like bpdfamily.  I recollect coming here, and reading the threads offered by those who had survived to tell their tale.  Buried so deep in my misery, it all seemed like hollow sloganeering at the time.

I survived, my friends, and so will you.  All the claims that have been made regarding “The Gift of the Borderline” are true; you will emerge from this experience smarter and stronger than you have ever been in your life.  

Some truths to keep in mind:

They do not love you; you are only a temporary means to an end.

YOU have to stop the cycle of nonsense/abuse, and this can be quite harrowing at first... .very harrowing in fact.  

Get out sooner rather than later, go no contact, and put this miserable episode behind you where it belongs.  

Unless they are actively engaged in therapy, they cannot-and will not-change; find someone who is worthy of your investment.  

In my experience, things only became progressively worse over time despite my kindnesses, and interventions.  

Do not become bogged down and embroiled by the whole BPD experience; the basic facts should be sufficient grounds to sever your connection to your troubled partner forever.  

Remember this:

You are not alone; you will survive; and the day will eventually dawn when you see the world as an auspicious place to inhabit again.    

[Trip09]

Beautiful words my man... It's inspirational readings like this that give you that drive to keep moving forward.

For the most part I currently feel I have put my exBPD life behind me. Although at times it does keep coming up to say hello, I can recognize it before it engulfs me. The BPD relationship is an experience I wish no one had to ever go through, but seeing it in a positive light by acknowledging how much it has allowed me to grow wholesomely, makes it a "gift".

Thank you for writing this, happy holidays and much happiness towards you