Enough of the silent treatment

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello

My non diagnosed BPD bf gives me the silent treatment for anything these days. We live together so we are in the same house, not in the same room, he barely answers my questions, and if he does, it is one or two words. I prefer that than the temper tantrum, but I am fed up.

What should I do when it happens? So far, I go in another room or I interact with my son or I am doing my own business and speak to my bf as if nothing was different

A better idea ?

[Isa_lala]

Hello

My non diagnosed BPD bf gives me the silent treatment for anything these days. We live together so we are in the same house, not in the same room, he barely answers my questions, and if he does, it is one or two words. I prefer that than the temper tantrum, but I am fed up.

What should I do when it happens? So far, I go in another room or I interact with my son or I am doing my own business and speak to my bf as if nothing was different

A better idea ?

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[Tomzxz]

I cant stand the push pull and silent treatment.  My therapist said the silent treatment was one of the worst if not the worst forms of mental abuse because we have no defense against it.  It was my fault really, my ex's push pull response was not logical to me at the time because I was too inexperienced to recognize this dynamic. I learned my lesson and it wont ever happen again. My action at the time was the exact wrong thing to do and lead to my own insecurity. The more I made myself available to her, the more time and attention I spent on her, the more she felt obligated to respond to me. And as she said, she hated forced interaction so she began applying months of silent treatment. However, she made it seem like I was the needy one as I reacted to her withdrawal and withholding. As she withdrew, I started to cling and my demands for her attention and my need to understand why she was doing this, grated on her nerves. My therapist explained it to me this way, she said that the ability to see other people at a deeper level, requires the ability to see ourselves at a deeper level. The truth is they have interpersonal trauma issues that cause distancing behaviors. This has nothing to do with us or our worth as a partner. Seeing us is not forcing them to face these issues and in fact triggers their past trauma and shame. If it wasn't for your child, I would recommend spending more and more time away from your BF when he starts the silent treatment and watch how fast he comes to you.  You cant make someone interested in you by being more interested in them.  I know this is childish thinking but then again, BPD is a very immature emotional state of mind.  

Sorry you are having to endure the silent treatment.  It really hurts as it is intended too.

[Isa_lala]

Thank you tom

Yes it is a torture to ignore someone. It is violence.

Did your therapist give you some clue about how to deal with the ST?

[Tomzxz]

No, I broke up with her.  That kind of behavior wasn't for me, too passive aggressive.  I guess you could ask him "When you wont talk to me it seems like you think I did something wrong." That might force him to think about his feelings and actions.  If I could do it over again that's what I would do.

I don't think anything will ever really work in the end since they have an uncanny ability to escalate the drama regardless of our coping skills.  If anyone else can give help here as to how to cope with the ST I would also like to know. 

Sorry, I'm not much help. I empathizes with you. 

[Icthelight]

The silent treatment is dreadful, so sorry you're experiencing this.

This is a highly discussed topic here on these threads.

For me, during the last silent treatment, I decided not to chase my wife or bend over backwards trying to make things right. I decided to go about my business and focus on my self care. In other words, more focus on me and less focus on her. In the past, chasing her or giving her the silent treatment right back did not work. This time around, in addition to focusing on me, I also made it a point to be polite. I didn't try to avoid her as I had in the past. I didn't chase, but I also wasn't nasty.

Was this easy? NO! However, I now knew what she was doing and I decided I was not going to be sucked into her world. After close to a month (maybe a little longer) of basically ignoring me, she finally engaged me and asked me what I was doing? She asked if I was done with the relationship because it sure seemed like it to her, etc. etc. During this talk, I had to take a few breaks and really tried to not be triggered myself. In the end, she said she took my new actions (going about my business and being polite) as uncaring and mean. Well, I have been called uncaring and mean for 23 years, so nothing new here. The difference this time is that she initiated the contact where in the past, she didn't because she knew I would cave or be the one to come around.

If I receive the ST again in the future, I will employ the same strategy. I'm hopeful that every time I do, the ST will last less and less because she will realize that I won't be there to kiss her A$$.

Hang in there, be strong, and focus on yourself and have a blast with your son.

[Isa_lala]

Thank you

More and more, I try to remain polite and courteous as I would be with anyone else and I try to not suffer from that ST by ignoring it. It is not always easy. I believe my love for him is fading away because, a while ago, it used to make me very sad. Now, it's more anger and disdain. I respect myself a little bit more by not asking for attention. I try to mind my own business ... .

[Flexion]

The silent treatment is dreadful, so sorry you're experiencing this.

This is a highly discussed topic here on these threads.

For me, during the last silent treatment, I decided not to chase my wife or bend over backwards trying to make things right. I decided to go about my business and focus on my self care. In other words, more focus on me and less focus on her. In the past, chasing her or giving her the silent treatment right back did not work. This time around, in addition to focusing on me, I also made it a point to be polite. I didn't try to avoid her as I had in the past. I didn't chase, but I also wasn't nasty.

Was this easy? NO! However, I now knew what she was doing and I decided I was not going to be sucked into her world. After close to a month (maybe a little longer) of basically ignoring me, she finally engaged me and asked me what I was doing? She asked if I was done with the relationship because it sure seemed like it to her, etc. etc. During this talk, I had to take a few breaks and really tried to not be triggered myself. In the end, she said she took my new actions (going about my business and being polite) as uncaring and mean. Well, I have been called uncaring and mean for 23 years, so nothing new here. The difference this time is that she initiated the contact where in the past, she didn't because she knew I would cave or be the one to come around.

If I receive the ST again in the future, I will employ the same strategy. I'm hopeful that every time I do, the ST will last less and less because she will realize that I won't be there to kiss her A$$.

Hang in there, be strong, and focus on yourself and have a blast with your son.

I have been lurking and posting on here for a few months. I have been with my uBPDw for 8 years. Well, 8 years of M-I-S-E-R-Y! .

IT wasn't until I did the above that I found peace and happiness( at home).  I still held to the idea that, well, if I Can just explain everything logically, she will understand and things will die down. WRONG! IT will NEVER! While you logically try to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain away your thoughts, she has not heard a single, logical word. In fact, I usually get more than a sentence in before she is yelling over me.

It is utterly exhausting!

Being polite and not doing/saying anything certainly helps things die down faster.  However, not before she rips you a new A** for hours upon hours! My thoughts are... .Saddle up, put your game face on and say to her "I JUST LOVE YOU. That is all!"

At first, she said " Fu** you!  I hate your ugly ass!"  . Now, however, she will just be quit( 3 weeks of doing this). IF she doesn't stop, I will laugh at her and walk out. I have gotten more apologies in 3 weeks than 8 years! 

HEy, it is working for me! . What can she say? What ammo does she have? As mentioned, she did go through the whole thing of how I am not listening to her. I told her I will listen to anything, but not in an abusive manner.