Can borderline parents be empathetic and supportive at times?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Are borderline parents capable of being good parents at times, be sympathetic or empathetic of their kids needs and supportive underneath all of their BPD issues?

Sorry for the questions, I am new to all of this and have a lot of curiosity.

[DiagnosisX27]

Are borderline parents capable of being good parents at times, be sympathetic or empathetic of their kids needs and supportive underneath all of their BPD issues?

Sorry for the questions, I am new to all of this and have a lot of curiosity.

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

Mine does , and that is what makes this so difficult.

She gives me foods I like , sometimes she even calls me endearments. And like a switch she can be cruel and change suddenly , calling me names and making me feel like dirt . It's the scariest thing . I sometimes think it would be less scary to be with an all cruel person . At east you know what's coming . I wouldn't want that either though. I don't have much advice but al I can say is , yes I think they can be very empathetic and suddenly switchback and  forth

[busybee1116]

Yes, yes they can. Can't remember who said it, but folks with personality disorders are just like us, only more! Like DGUOM, the little bits of goodness can flip a switch to badness, which makes it all the more cruel. I try to appreciate the good times, because sometimes they're very good. My mother has done some amazing things for me. She's also been amazingly cruel too. I try to keep a bit of distance, but still appreciate the good times.

[DiagnosisX27]

Yes, yes they can. Can't remember who said it, but folks with personality disorders are just like us, only more! Like DGUOM, the little bits of goodness can flip a switch to badness, which makes it all the more cruel. I try to appreciate the good times, because sometimes they're very good. My mother has done some amazing things for me. She's also been amazingly cruel too. I try to keep a bit of distance, but still appreciate the good times.

Thank you so much for the insight! I think this is what makes my relationship so confusing with my mother. There are times she has been so supportive and understanding of things in my life and we've had good times, so then when she gets into these fits where nothing as right and the typical BPD behaviors I get so confused. I think how could the person that was so supportive be like this, I must be the crazy one.

So then I feel bad venting to other family members because I think, "oh I'm the crazy one"

But at the same time I feel bad giving credit during the good times because I Harbor so much frustration and I feel like people will think, "well how can things be so fine now if they were so bad?"

Is this normal to feel this way?

[Eyeamme]

Diagnosis,

I have been treated that way all my life. I am 57. My mother only likes me when I was sad and she can be sympathetic mom who thinks I need her.  When I am happy she is angry mom. You are not crazy.

[Turkish]

As children, we develop our personalities by first rroring our parents. A healthy parent mirrors back. Good and bad, by validating a child's feelings.

Being split black and white (good and bad) produces confusion. In the absence of healthy mirroring (validation), we can develop skewed perceptions of ourselves. Even knowing all that I know, I still strughle with this in middle age to a degree. It can lend itself to not believing what others tell s about ourselves, good or bad. Part of our individuality may have been subsumed within the BPD parent's view of themselves. In some cases, narcissistic pride (inflated false self, perhaps manifested in the "all good" child), or the shame of a BPD (deflated false self, manfested in the "all bad" child, or scapegoat). Both of these are projections of the parent...

For those of us who are only children, our roles switch. Day to day, week to week,.just awaiting anxiously for the switch. A pwBPD expects their loved one to mirror their emotional state. That their emotions are unstable is what is so confusing. Whatever they feel at the time is real to them: feelings are facts. It's confusing to adults, and damaging to children who don't have fully developed senses of their selves yet.

To this day, I still struggle with compliments, probably because on an emotional level, I'm waiting for the turn. Have you seen this? It may help understand this dynamic.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

[ViaCrusis1689]

Yes, yes they can. Can't remember who said it, but folks with personality disorders are just like us, only more! Like DGUOM, the little bits of goodness can flip a switch to badness, which makes it all the more cruel. I try to appreciate the good times, because sometimes they're very good. My mother has done some amazing things for me. She's also been amazingly cruel too. I try to keep a bit of distance, but still appreciate the good times.

Thank you so much for the insight! I think this is what makes my relationship so confusing with my mother. There are times she has been so supportive and understanding of things in my life and we've had good times, so then when she gets into these fits where nothing as right and the typical BPD behaviors I get so confused. I think how could the person that was so supportive be like this, I must be the crazy one.

So then I feel bad venting to other family members because I think, "oh I'm the crazy one"

But at the same time I feel bad giving credit during the good times because I Harbor so much frustration and I feel like people will think, "well how can things be so fine now if they were so bad?"

Is this normal to feel this way?

I just wanted to say I could have written this myself. I feel exactly the same way so many times a week. I am learning that I am not the "bad guy." I know other people would not believe me about uBPDm's behavior because they do not see what I do.

[shellbell]

Turkish, I never questioned why I don't take compliments well but that was a total ah-ha moment for me. So thank you for that.

I think everyone else's experience is different though depending on the severity of someone's BP and whether they have overlapping traits w/ say NPD or APD. I know in my experience w/ my own BPD mother, when she's acting like she cares, it's just that... .Acting. It's so noticeably fake its almost laughable. But again, that's not true for all BPD parents. I am a therapist by trade (I know, irony... ) and I have seen many BPDs show empathy toward others.

[Harri]

Hi!   

Are borderline parents capable of being good parents at times, be sympathetic or empathetic of their kids needs and supportive underneath all of their BPD issues?

Sorry for the questions, I am new to all of this and have a lot of curiosity.

I think as kids of disordered parent(s), we tend to do all or nothing thinking.  Is she a good mother?  Is she a bad mother?  Chances are she has some good characteristics sprinkled in there amongst the not so good and the ugly.  Some pwBPD have more 'bad' than others and we may not always have the good behaviors directed towards us.  The thing is, with personality disorders, the dysfunction is pervasive.  Personality plays a role in everything we do and there really is no way to separate a persons good behaviors and bad behaviors. 

I still catch myself remembering my mothers good behaviors and thinking she was a good mother to me and all the problems were due to me.  But I have to remind myself that was not the case.  Yeah, she had some stellar moments, but overall, her parenting skills were pretty crappy regardless of how good she thought they were.  I have come to realize for me, the times when I think my mother was all good, are the times when I am at my most vulnerable.  I have to stop and remind myself that just like everyone else, she did have some good times but that does not make her a good parent.

Anyway, Diagnosis, welcome to the boards!   

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Diag

I fully recall asking similar questions as this. I think it's the most confusing thing of all - the vacillation between kindness and abuse. It's what makes it so hard to uncover. I recall being told that abusive people are not always abusive. It led me to realise that if they were, it'd be easier to identify them. I think the same is true of Borderline disorder.

I agree with Harri's point about the all-or-nothing thinking that cwBPDparents teach and that it causes confusion when trying to evaluate the parent.

I do however feel it's important to establish a pattern because we need a foundation from which to make decisions.

My guess is that you want to work out how to behave to your parent, DiagnosisX27. Would that be right? In the midst of all the knowledge you are probably being exposed to you are possibly wondering how to proceed.

Me I found it worthwhile to look for a pattern. You may be wondering who you are and how that fits in with your r'ship with your parent.

I found that the loving kindnesses my uBPDm would perform on occasion and even for long periods of time would confuse me and cause me to question if she was really disordered or if it was just my imagination. Then I learned to look for patterns.

Would the kindnesses be related to anything? Would there later be some kind of exacting of reward from me? Or punishment of me? I found there was a definite rhythm to our r'ship and that punishments would often come sometime later. Rewards would be followed by requests. And almost always the empathetic behaviour would be followed (some time later) by outrageous breaches of my boundaries.

So whilst I do think my mother can be very loving at times, her empathy is extremely short lived and she always ALWAYS wants something in return for it. If I allow it to move my heart fully I usually get clobbered not long after.

I hope you can make some more sense of your situation, Diag and never NEVER feel you need to apologise for asking questions. the whole purpose of the BPD family is support. Ask as many questions as you can to people who understand and support your situation. It is crucial for healing to feel regular and consistent empathy

Best of luck

Ziggiddy