S.O.S. from Spain:My ex needs help, and I need your advices to do it. Thank you.

[Alba]

Hello,

First of all I'd like to thank you in advance for sharing all your knowledge on your website, it's hard to find information explained in such a concrete and helpful way here in Spain.  Actually I had been suspecting skizofrenia until I ran into your page several days ago. This has completely opened my eyes and I feel I'm starting to face the right direction. Hopefully it's not too late,as I'm afraid my ignorance regarding this issue has made me make many mistakes on how I've been trying to handle the situation.

I'll try to be as brief as possible with the background as I believe the main point remains from now on and not looking babk to the past. As I'm not direct relative, I really don''t know what to do,The only thing I've been able to is talking to his family so they understand the seriousness of his trouble. They have always been aware of his disruptive and complicated personalitiy and had regretted not being able to do anything because he cannot be oblied to, he's almost 31. But things have developed worse and he almost killed me un his last coleric and out-of-his-mind reaction. It has been extrememely difficulty for me to decide what to do,as here in Spain he would have been sent into prison or an insane's hospital and not considered as a person with a different illness,as I said, BPD has not become yet "popular" in my country,therefore laws are still too far away to manage this disorder propperly. Finally I decided to warn his family about it,and I know that they are considering thoroughly what to do,but I insist, we know nothing about BPD,all I can say is that everything I've read here is what I know,and it suits perfectly on him .

My ex is 30 years old, found dead his father (killed himself, suffered from skizofrenia) at the age of 17. The youngest of three brothers. Around 20 teens inclyding his first childhood girlfriend died accidentally in a tragic happening in a youth hostel when he was 19. Drug consume since then that had turned out to be abusive four years ago,stopped for one year when he went to England to work,and that has been retaken worse since this summer. He accomplishes with all the signs described on your website. His "modus-operandi" is always the same:when things get worse he abandones his girlfriend and starts with another one who can potentially satisfy his needs,and with whom he doesn't show off what is inside him,a monster begining more and more powerful day by day. This is the second time we have got into a relation, he wasn't agressive the first time,this has appeared recently also due to all The frustrations behind his inability to have a stable life,work (he fails quite often,depressive thought and feeling,drug abuse,not enough sleep and so on) and the cycle is a neverending one.

Obviusly had I known beforehand all this,had I heard before from BPD, I would have done things differently, I would have stopped the arguments. I do not blame myself for any reason because I know I was a complete ignorant, and I did what I thought was The best for him,love,comprehension,acceptance,care,trust... But these things weren't The right thing to do,as I now see. Things have happened so fast that I haven't had the time,nor the tools,to know how to react.  The thing is that,as he denies having a problemas (his list of problematic relacions and relationships is large) I've been trying to make him understand that something was happening to him. I've tried to make him know that I understand that he has my support to face it. But at The point his "monster" has won over him,he has turned completely mad. He doesn't distinguish reality or líes,he avoids being alone and he doesn't admit any responsability. It's like he wasn't able to feel anymore,as if he were no human anymore. On The other hand,he pretends being perfectly sane in front of other people,and chooses dangerous and harmful people instead. None of his good friends want to be around him,as no one understands all the suffering he has inside.

I kept some letters written to himself in which he talks to him and confeses his trouble,his lies, his strange behaviour, his odd thoughts, drug abuse and tendence to allow others to influence him so he's continuously damaging his relations, all of them involving promiscuity, and harmful acts against loved ones. He has a good heart but it's disappearing because of his cowardy to admit himself the truth. Although I know he'll hate me for doing this, I gave them to his Mum yesterday as I suspecting there is something from his childhood that might concern both of them and should be the first step (at least this is what I believe) and have decide that my human responsability has finished here, as I suspect that I wouldn't be surprised if he's already started a new relation, as this is how he always does,avoiding his suffering starting with other people. He has been texting me during these weeks,sometimes with. truthful apologies, other times with unknown anger against me. I haven't heard anything from him for four days now,but I know he will contact me again,furious,as soon as his family talks to him over Christmas. His new and self-interested friends whom he's finding relief now and who I also know, think that I am exagerating and that he's indeed the victim of a sort of love-threats of my obsesión for him, this is how he has explained our break up and  he has made sure that they believe him (plus,these people are as well involved in drugs and need him by their side, which says quite a lot from them as they have wittnessed how he pushed me once and abused verbally against me). Anyway, my last "bullet" was a recording ta

So these are my questions:

1- What can be done so he realises by himself he has a "problem", and that it can be solved if he wants to by only admitting something's going wrong?

2- How should his family focus all this? What and how should they say to him?

3- Appart from learning how to react and allowing me time enough to identify my own feelings and role in this story (I'm using meditation that really helps a lot, having my family's support, and enough self-confidence and peace to view things as they are,were,and might be from now on,and willing to learn as much as possible,and loving human-beings enough to understand things and behave  in accordance), what should I do? What is my role here? Should I leave myself appart of this por should I be involved? As a person my aim is to help him,although I love him I'm not thinking as a woman right now, my priority is knowing what is the best position I can take for him right now and how to behave. I am really worried for him and his and other's  future, and he doesn't count with people who really care about him, and this circle should be finished... .

I can't find the right words to express how I appreciate your reply and your help.

Thanks so much.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hi Alba,

and welcome to our website.  I am glad you found us.   

You have take a brave step by sharing your story and this is a new beginning.    I noticed you mentioned that you have experienced domestic violence in your relationship.   Many of us here do.   More than anything else safety comes first.    Just like they say on an airplane you can't help anyone else if you don't put your oxygen mask on first.   While we are in the middle of our chaotic relationships that is sometimes difficult to grasp.   Because this is a very large website I've picked out a couple of links I truly think will be helpful to you.   When you are read go ahead and click on the green text and the link will take you right there.

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

What has been suggested by people with expertise in this field is that when our partner with BPD start to escalate, when emotions start to rise and become uncontrolled we find a way to exit that reduces the conflict.   We here call it taking a time out.  There is a real skill to taking a time out so that it doesn't trigger abandonment fears.   It takes some effort to break the cycle of conflict we are in.    You have probably already noticed that reasoning or explaining logically tends to back fire, and create more problems.    That is because people with the traits of BPD find it invalidating and painful.   While it can seem to us counter intuitive often the best thing we can do is stop talking, stop explaining and allow our partners to regulate their own emotions.   Here is a link where other members talk about how they take a time out safely and constructively.

How to take a time out

So these are my questions:

1- What can be done so he realizes by himself he has a "problem", and that it can be solved if he wants to by only admitting something's going wrong?

This is a complicated question.   As I am sure you understand.  It's commendable that you want to help him.  It's completely natural that you want to share your new found information with him (and his family).   I am going to advise caution for a couple of reasons.   You will want to have the best chance you can to have a good influence.   It will take some time to learn all you can.   Many friends and families are seen as adversaries not allies when they reach out to their people with a mental illness.   Going slowly and building trust by not blaming and not finding fault are the place to start.  No one wants to admit to a problem.    Less so someone who suffers from issues of shame and guilt.   

2- How should his family focus all this? What and how should they say to him?

Another complicated question.       Education of the family members as to what they are facing will help.   They more knowledge and information they have, they better they can form a plan that fits their unique situation.  I would strongly suggest that while they are struggling with their own natural confusion they be careful what they share with him.   They are facing a steep learning curve and at this point minimizing volatility all around is a good idea.

3- Appart from learning how to react and allowing me time enough to identify my own feelings and role in this story (I'm using meditation that really helps a lot, having my family's support, and enough self-confidence and peace to view things as they are,were,and might be from now on,and willing to learn as much as possible,and loving human-beings enough to understand things and behave  in accordance), what should I do? What is my role here? Should I leave myself appart of this por should I be involved? As a person my aim is to help him,although I love him I'm not thinking as a woman right now, my priority is knowing what is the best position I can take for him right now and how to behave. I am really worried for him and his and other's  future, and he doesn't count with people who really care about him, and this circle should be finished... .

I think this is your best question.   We here at bpdfamily always suggest that the initial focus be on you as the non.   Most people feel that this is slightly unfair, that they are not the one with the problem but frankly that's is exactly the reason for it.   As the non disordered member of the relationship,the changes that you make, the skills and lessons that you learn will have the faster and more significant impact on reducing conflict and concerning behavior.   Does that make sense?   There are workshops, lessons and tools here that you can use to make a difference.   It means that what you should do is come here, read, post and do it regularly.   Very little is intuitive when dealing with someone with a mental illness.   I know.   I have been in your shoes.

One last link for you.

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

'ducks