Hi HurtinNW
The intense bonds we form during our relationships create a plethora of difficult to sort through feelings. I know for me there were a lot of things in play.
I've tried to end things so many times, but have lost faith in myself. Going NC doesn't work for me. I panic. So I decided to keep trying.
I noticed this is what you wrote. All of us have many reasons for staying or rekindling a relationship with a pwBPD. I was apart from my partner for a while after a particularly difficult year back in 2013. We have reconnected and the relationship is no longer filled with cycles you describe. It took us about a year to get to a point where I can say we are stable. Every once and a while, (about 5 times this year) a small dysregulation breaks out that lasts about a day and we work our way through it.
I had to very carefully consider what 'trying' meant to me. In the Lessons Box on the right hand side of the screen is a link that talks about the what does it take to be in a relationship with a borderline. I would encourage you to read it. For me the phrase that strikes a cord is this one:
You will need the strength to be able to emotionally detach at times from your SO, to be able to separate his/her issues from your own, and to not take personally the behavior of your SO. You need a very strong sense of identity and worth in yourself.
I can see why him taking a job seven hours away would come as a shock. Another upheaval in relationship already too full of them. I can also see the temptation of having a job when he has been out of work for 2 years. That's a long period of unemployment.
He is "deciding" whether to take this job or stay and try to work things out with me. That alone feels like a punch to the stomach. After all the chaos he has caused, the hurt feelings, the pain, he is deciding whether to make a permanent discard. It hurts.
I am deeply afraid that if he leaves I will shake apart into a million pieces. This relationship has triggered every deep fear in me and I cannot imagine it really ending for good.
I don't know what to do. I cannot picture having a meaningful relationship with him so far away. I cannot picture losing him and handling the grief. I feel lost. I would appreciate any advice you have.
You have a lot invested in this relationship. It has been on tender hooks for some time. It's natural to feel a strong sense of loss around the situation you are describing.
Here are my two cents for what they are worth. If you feel that you can make a decision to stay for now, or for the next two weeks or what ever time frame works for you
and a commitment to work the Lessons and Tools
HERE; boil things down to a more manageable set of parameters. Change the mindset from how can I save this relationship for ever, to what can I do today to make things go better between us for this 24 hour piece of time. Break the 'problem' into smaller subsets. To misquote, try to live through this day only, and not tackle entire life problems all at once. There are a lot of variables in play here. In my experience managing the small ones makes handling the big ones easier.
what do you think? make any sense?
'ducks
