Marriage with BPD wife over within a year

[Musicmaker1]

Hi everyone,

I have been reading alot of articles on this website lately and I have also done some research on BPD. My wife is not diagnosed as BPD but I strongly think she has it. I'd like to share my story here. Hopefully some people can read it and give me some insight and support.



How we met and how we we're happy together:

My wife and I are from different countries, I'm from The Netherlands, she's from Algeria. We met each other online on Facebook, started chatting, started Skyping, until 6 months later, we finally met each other in real life. I stayed in Algeria for 2 weeks and it was amazing. She was so full of life, energy, she was very beautiful I have never been so in love before.

Over the course of 1 1/2 year we had a longdistance relationship, meeting each other for a few weeks about every 3 months. During this time I never suspected something like BPD. I did notice she was a VERY passionate person in everything. In talk, in arguments, in sex, in music. Sparks we're flying alot of the time (positive and negative). The positive far outweighed the negative and I was ok with that.

We decided to start our life together in The Netherlands. We married (especially for practical reasons: visa/her religion/family/) as well. Her family wasn't really rich so I paid for the entire wedding. After more than a year of hard work, research, paperwork (and paying all the necessary steps involved) we finally got permission for her to live with me in The Netherlands. For a year I have spend all time, efforts and money on this to make it happen. And for the first 3-4 weeks, I was living the best life I could imagine.

How things went downhill:

After about 4 weeks the crazy insults started. I knew she was passionate, but now the words she was throwing at me we're totally out of line. She said I had never done anything for her, that I was the most selfish guy on the planet. That I made her feel lonely, like I only brought her here for the sex and the chores in the house. This behaviour repeated itself about 2-3 times A WEEK!

To be clear: All the time I had, I spent with her trying to make her happy, I bought her presents, I sang and wrote songs for her, I took her out for dinner. Also all my family tried to support her to learn the language and trying to get her a job, etc. It was very hard to statsify her. Whatever I bought for her, wherever I took her, there was always something stupid and wrong about it.

The insults and rages came out of nowhere and we're very disrespectful. They often brought me to tears. She didn't care about seeing me crying, I felt that only her feelings we're important, how I felt was irrelevant.

Everytime when I tried to talk about it with her, she always put the blame on me. She actually never said sorry, she was convinced I was the one doing the wrong things here. After countless intense fights, a temporary break-up of 2 weeks, and countless talks where I always had to take the blame, I couldn't take it anymore. I also found her phone one day and she was spreading horrible lies about me to friends of her, making me look like an awful person. I said I wanted to seperate/divorce, because the relationship was not working from my perspective, and I couldn't go on any longer. She also knew that this will have consequences for he permit to stay in The Netherlands (it will probably be made invalid by the governemnt and then she has to go back to Algeria). - We married in December, we broke up in October

More manipulative games:

From that moment, things went even further downhill. One day I came home from work and I found that my dog was missing, the TV was gone, the spare keys of my car we're gone, files on my computer we're deleted, and more. She left a note that she was with a friend of hers. Thankfully the dog came back, but my TV and some other stuff never came back.

Then we went to court, to find out who gets to live in the rental house where we we're living. Then I saw the papers from her lawyer and she made up stories about how I had physically and sexually abused her. She even went to the police and other agencies. Of course, nothing like this had happened so there was no proof and also no case. Thankfully, I won the decision from the judge and I'm living in my own house now, with my great dog!

BPD? And what now?

So what do you think? Is this BPD or maybe some form of narcism? What's most important is that I've ended this horrible relationship, but I would really like to understand and process it better. I miss our happy moments alot, I miss our intimacy, etc. I genuinely thought that I would spend my life with her, start a family with her, so this hits me really hard.

I will be editing this post for some minutes, but for now, this is my story and I hope some people can take the time to read it and respond to it.

Thank you!

[blackbirdsong]

Hi everyone,

I have been reading alot of articles on this website lately and I have also done some research on BPD. My wife is not diagnosed as BPD but I strongly think she has it. I'd like to share my story here. Hopefully some people can read it and give me some insight and support.



How we met and how we we're happy together:

My wife and I are from different countries, I'm from The Netherlands, she's from Algeria. We met each other online on Facebook, started chatting, started Skyping, until 6 months later, we finally met each other in real life. I stayed in Algeria for 2 weeks and it was amazing. She was so full of life, energy, she was very beautiful I have never been so in love before.

Over the course of 1 1/2 year we had a longdistance relationship, meeting each other for a few weeks about every 3 months. During this time I never suspected something like BPD. I did notice she was a VERY passionate person in everything. In talk, in arguments, in sex, in music. Sparks we're flying alot of the time (positive and negative). The positive far outweighed the negative and I was ok with that.

We decided to start our life together in The Netherlands. We married (especially for practical reasons: visa/her religion/family/) as well. Her family wasn't really rich so I paid for the enitre wedding. After more than a year of hard work (and paying all the necessary steps involved) she could finally live with me in The Netherlands. And for the first 3-4 weeks, I was living the best life I could imagine.

How things went downhill:

After about 4 weeks the crazy insults started. I knew she was passionate, but now the words she was throwing at me we're totally out of line. She said I had never done anything for her, that I was the most selfish guy on the planet. That I made her feel lonely, like I only brought her here for the sex and the chores in the house. This behaviour repeated itself about 2-3 times A WEEK!

Everytime when I tried to talk about it with her, she always put the blame on me. She actually never said sorry, she was convinced I was the one doing the wrong things here. After countless intense fights, a temporary break-up of 2 weeks, and countless talks where I always had to take the blame, I couldn't take it anymore. I also found her phone one day and she was spreading horrible lies about me to friends of her, making me look like an awful person. I said I wanted to seperate/divorce, because the relationship was not working from my perspective, and I couldn't go on any longer. She also knew that this will have consequences for he permit to stay in The Netherlands (it will probably be made invalid by the governemnt and then she has to go back to Algeria). - We married in December, we broke up in October

More manipulative games:

From that moment, things went even further downhill. One day I came home from work and I found that my dog was missing, the TV was gone, the spare keys of my car we're gone, files on my computer we're deleted, and more. She left a note that she was with a friend of hers. Thankfully the dog came back, but my TV and some other stuff never came back.

Then we went to court, to find out who gets to live in the rental house where we we're living. Then I saw the papers from her lawyer and she made up stories about how I had physically and sexually abused her. She even went to the police and other agencies. Of course, nothing like this had happened so there was no proof and also no case. Thankfully, I won the decision from the judge and I'm living in my own house now, with my great dog!

BPD? And what now?

So what do you think? Is this BPD or maybe some form of narcism? What's most important is that I've ended this horrible relationship, but I would really like to understand and process it better. I miss our happy moments alot, I miss our intimacy, etc.

I will be editing this post for some minutes, but for now, this is my story and I hope some people can take the time to read it and respond to it.

Thank you!

This sounds very disturbing. You managed to keep yourself from more toxic actions and events. kudos for that.

I am interested into one thing.

Can you look at your pre-marriage phase and tell us, now - when you know all the facts and the events that happened later, do you see those early signs of this behavior?

You mentioned "her temperament and passion", but can you now say that it wasn't just the passion? That this was something that you said (lied  may be to harsh word) to yourself but deep inside you knew that this is not normal. Maybe you hoped that this will change?

[Musicmaker1]

This sounds very disturbing. You managed to keep yourself from more toxic actions and events. kudos for that.

I am interested into one thing.

Can you look at your pre-marriage phase and tell us, now - when you know all the facts and the events that happened later, do you see those early signs of this behavior?

You mentioned "her temperament and passion", but can you now say that it wasn't just the passion? That this was something that you said (lied  may be to harsh word) to yourself but deep inside you knew that this is not normal. Maybe you hoped that this will change?

Thank you for such a quick response! I had to get out of this toxic relationship. Even though it's a hard decision (because I truly loved her), it's the only one I can take.

I can answer your question with a pretty definite yes. Yes in the sense that, When I look back now, so many 'passionate' actions of her, fall into place now. That this is not the response of a 'normal' 'in balance' person. So I can certainly see parts of this behaviour.

The problem in not discovering it pre-marriage, is maybe that we always spend just a few weeks (or 1 month) together, and then we're seperated again (because of the LDR). I probably never got to know the real 'her'.

[anthony r]

MusicMaker. It sounds like BPD. Regardless, the fact is that these individuals are unhinged, sick and emotionally abusive.  Presents, writing songs and taking her out to dinner was only throwing gifts into a pit that goes to the center of the Earth. Like you will, I had to come to terms with the fact that I cared about an illusion. Being in love was your desert and she was your mirage. My ex has spent her life being an actress and yours sounds the same. Long distance and social media are ideal because they can hide who they are. She took her mask off you saw who she really is. You’ve done the right thing, exiting this abusive relationship. Have you considered counseling? Nice to meet you.

[Confusedpe]

Hey bud sorry to hear about this recasting life event... .this sounds like a similar story to mine the only difference being I wasn't married to the girl.

I'll give u a great example, from my personal experience. When we went through the cycles of make up/break up and I decided to let her go she would throw herself at my feet begging me, when I took her back she would be great for a maximum of up to 6 weeks then start hurling the most vile abuse at me, everything u explained and more

What I realised is that this girl has a shelf life of only 4-8 weeks max, u spent only 4 weeks with her at the most before u got married, had u lived in the same country u would have never made it to marriage

In my situation is was so odd that she would be texting me throughout the day telling me how much she misses me and can't wait to see me (this is during the good times) and then when she saw me she wouldn't show those same written emotions. These types of girls are very good from a distance and can basically be a dream girl for a long distance relationship! Once their in ur face for a long enough duration, bang they flip

Send her back to Algeria

[hopealways]

Certainly sounds like a very one sided and abusive relationship. Regardless of whether she is BPD, if the things on this forum resonate with you, then you need to get out.  This is a very toxic and destructive person.

[james_s]

Hi Musicmaker1, I can relate to your story definitely. Different backgrounds, visa, short marriage etc. It sounds like you dodged a bullet.

[Musicmaker1]

Thank you guys so much for the replies. Really confirms that I made the right decision of moving out of this toxic relationship. Slowly but surely I can accept the fact that I was in love with an illusion. I was in love with the mask, the real 'her' is simply toxic.

@Anthony r - Yes we considered counseling when we we're still together. However, once we decided that, she talked about that it would be about fixing me. Again, shifting blame to me, not wanting to look at herself. Around that time I also discovered her horrible text messages to her friends. From that moment, BPD or not, I could not trust her anymore and I pulled the plug.

[thisworld]

Congratulations on doing the healthy and wise thing and getting out. The longer the relationship the more devastating the effects. Also, couples therapy rarely improves these relationships and may even worsen them sometimes.

[Musicmaker1]

Thanks for all the good words. It's been about 2 months now, having such a hard time sometimes. I really miss our good times (even if they were few), our intimacy, amazing sex. Being happy with her was amazing... .But of course I was rarely happy the last half year.I hope I can keep my strength up

[guy4caligirl]

Thanks for all the good words. It's been about 2 months now, having such a hard time sometimes. I really miss our good times (even if they were few), our intimacy, amazing sex. Being happy with her was amazing... .But of course I was rarely happy the last half year.I hope I can keep my strength up

Music writer, you will indeed work on strengthening yourself  , no matter how good you were to her and I can imagine the process of moving her to your country , ungrateful isn't the word to describe this vicious malicious act ,not even enough , it takes an insane person to do what she did to you your family and your friends . zero empathy .

As other members stated you dodged the bullet hope you realize soon that you did , I feel with you... .