hi whitebackatcha,
At one point the relationship I had with my partner created for me a lot of hurt feelings. Resentments too. I suspect that is pretty normal for all of us. When we went through our bad patch, things went off the rails in a big way. It took me some time, and a real commitment to look for answers to get past the hurt, anger and resentment. Like you said, things weren't okay and I didn't feel comfortable talking to her. Just the possibility of opening up some of those barely healed wounds was pretty frightening. That was a very real consideration for me. On the other hand what was also a consideration for me was I most definitely didn't want to spend the rest of my days afraid of, or angry with this person. Kind of a catch 22. For me the only way out of that experience was to walk through it. There was a time for no contact, when we were both so emotionally raw and reactive that we were sending sparks off each other. There was a time for low contact when too many emotions and thoughts were in play to be comfortably handled by either of us. I was fortunate in that my partner was/is in therapy and worked on her stuff also. And there was a time when we could start to communicate again, even if it was in a rudimentary way. Not everyone has the opportunity for that.
Like you I am a fixer/helper type. What I learned was my partner didn't want fixing or helping, she wanted acknowledgement and understanding. She's spent her whole life hearing "can't you control your feelings" or "calm down, it's not that bad". Two phrases, by the way that are guaranteed to send her up to the roof. I got a lot farther with validation when I just tried to recognize what she was feeling. For me, that meant accepting that her feelings are just what they are. I remember after I learned more about BPD and emotional dsyregulations, the first time I handled one using the lessons here. I was nervous. It felt very uncomfortable. I said very little. Mostly I concentrated on not reacting, and keeping my own emotions on an even keel. Not an easy trick. As it ended I still remember the look on her face. It was our first attempt at getting through it together and she recognized it. It was a glimmer of hope.
There is another member on these boards that suggests that 'doing things right/wrong' is perhaps not the best way to view interacting in these types of relationships. It's black/white thinking where we should be looking for grey. None of this is intuitive. We are all human. He suggests that the measuring stick should be 'am I feeling better about how I am doing?' 'did I attempt a more healthy response?' "do I feel centered?' A lot of our feelings of how things are going have to be self generated. We need to learn to self validate. Words I didn't even know before I came here.
I'm glad you think you handled the letter well. That's progress.
'ducks
