want to get out of a long-term long distance relationship

[reallytensed]

Hi!

I really dont know whether my partner is BPD or not but of all the forums I have been pursuing since last week, I found this one most assuring. I have been in  a long term relationship (almost 7 years) and that too in a long distance one. We fell for each other in our 12th standard in school and continued since then. She completed her graduation and I completed mine from different cities. She went for job in a different city and I went in different one. Since 2 years she has been trying to find job in my city. Efforts have largely been futile but I am sure she is trying.

We both are 25 years old.

The real problems are underneath.

I belong to a very happy and supportive family. My needs since childhood have been met with utmost priority. I have always been taught to work hard in my life to get what I want. I have worked my ass off to have what little I have today.

On the other hand, she belongs to a dysfunctional family. Her elder sister is not of very sound character. She has lived all her life with her father. Her mother lives at her native place with her in-laws. Her father and mother's relation is not normal. Her father was kicked out of the workplace due to his bad character and since then he has not worked. However, he earned a lot money during his service days. She has an elder sister and a younger brother. Her elder sister has s selfish controlling mind and finds her way in family. Her brother is abusive. Even though at 22 years, he is jobless and spend his days roaming around. She is very innocent and gets influenced easily. She has been the target as an unwanted child in her family, even though her needs and facilities met at par with others.

Now, since last 2 years of her job, I have been insisting her to study further as education to me is everything. She has been postponing it by citing excuses which to some extent are true. I have emotionally and sometimes financially supported her through her college days. I have not paid attention to where my career graph is going. I have always felt tensed about how she is, how is she dealing with her family and etc. etc etc.

Since the last 1 year, I have began to feel that I have lost interest in meeting her whenever she flies in town, I have become irritable whenever she is around. She is needy and desperate and does not carry self respect with me. She in these years became too much dependent on me emotionally. I have become emotionally exhausted and have felt in these years that I I have not paid even little attention to what I want out of my life. My entire free time goes into sorting her issues. She became so obsessed with me that she started calling me her life every now & then and I began to feel suffocated.

My family knew of her family. When I told about our relationship, they were vehemently opposed to it. I broke off with her. She took it too hard. She every second day started saying she is unable to tolerate her life and wants to commit suicide. I became afraid and took her to psychiatrist who gave her medicines of depression & anxiety. She even talked to my family and now is saying she is hopeful that she will be accepted in my family. I do NOT carry further will to carry this relationship but her rage and crying and suicidal thoughts have made me restless. One time she abuses me and my family, then she says she understands my position and she is very supportive.

I am fed up.

Just fed up. I have my medical problems also. I underwent kidney surgery two years back and have developed vericocele. I feel pain due to it and I am tensed for my health. I want to solely concentrate on my health & career and just want to get rid of this relationship. I dont feel love for her anymore may be due to fights we had in the last year or due to overwhelming complications her family has or may be because she is unwilling to work harder for the future. I just dont know.

I want to get out of it.     

[Turkish]

Hello reallytensed,



It certainly sounds like you are done with this relationship. It's right to focus on yourself, especially your health issues. Many members here have had their health and/or careers suffer due to the stress of a relationship like this. If you're sure that you are done, this article might help. If you choose to go down this path, it may be something that can't be taken back:

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

It sounds that due to the complications of families involved, not to mention her threats of suicide, that going strict no contact may not likely work. The article above is a guideline on one way to try to break up, but above all, trust your gut. You know her best. That threats of suicide must have been disturbing, and you did the right thing by taking her for professional help.

Turkish

[Lucky Jim]

Hey reallytensed, Welcome!  You have come to a great place.  Some of the behaviors you describe seem consistent with BPD, but we can't diagnose anyone here.  The bottom line is that you have a r/s that has run its course, or so it seems.  One common dynamic in a BPD r/s is that the Non becomes a caretaker, which is a category that may apply to you.  For this reason, many of us who have been in a r/s with a pwBPD have codependent tendencies (including me).  You might want to explore this issue a little to see if it could help you find the right path to take.  If you are unsure, suggest you listen to your gut feelings, as Turkish suggests.

LuckyJim

[Turkish]

Hi again reallytensed,

We recently had a discussion on detachment styles. It s more personable than the Joe Carver article I linked, in that it is members here discussing their experiences. I think it might be helpful to you:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284223.0

T