Really struggling, not sure how long I can live like this

[bdyw8]

So it's been over three weeks since my exBPD dumped me after begging me to take her back two weeks before that.  I haven't spoken with her aside from seeing her on a dating website a week ago (this was after she assured me she wouldn't be replacing me right away).

Anyway, I'm so tired of being in pain.  I've been hiding in my room for 3 weeks now, scared to death she will show up at my place again and try to suck me back in.  Also, I'm scared I'll bump into her and end up begging her to come back to me.

This person abused me and made me feel so terrible and worthless.  I almost relapsed after over 5 years clean and contemplated suicide on 3 occasions.  Yet here I am in gut wrenching agony wanting her back and jealous beyond words that she has found someone else and moved on and that they are talking trash about me and making me out to be a crazy person. 

Please, somebody tell me it will get better!  I can't afford more counselling!  I just want to move on and not be constantly obsessing over her.

[thisworld]

Bdyw8,

This too shall pass.  

Do you have a group or sponsor that can help you right now? If not, what step feels like most relevant?

Also, there is a DBT exercise on radical acceptance by Marsha Linehan, do you think this could work?

www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/radical_acceptance_part_1.html

What do you do in your mind and body when you are obsessing under different circumstances if you do?

My thoughts are with you and please keep posting.

(and hey, it's not up to them to decide whether you are crazy or not. What exactly wounds you in this? Is it anything related to anything in your own history? ıs this thought triggering some shame or guilt? There are things that you can do to put some distance between them and these wounds/feelings.)

[bdyw8]

Thanks thisworld... .

I guess I'm just frustrated right now because I was making good progress moving on for 3 months before she showed up at my place again and I mistakenly opened the door and took her back (until she dumped me less than 2 weeks later again - haha).

It's like how they say "I have another drunk in me, but not another recovery".  These early days of sobering up, or of getting over the grief of a loss takes so much work.  More meetings, more prayer, more meditation.  On top of that, I'm a single dad and having to do all that work as well.  It gets mentally and emotionally fatiguing and that's where I'm at right now.

I appreciate the link, I'm going to read that for sure tonight when my kids go to bed.  Typically, I do prayer and meditation and ask for God's help to relieve me of my obsessive thoughts.  I've been praying a lot to let go of this relationship and release my exBPD (with love) back into the universe.  Step 1-3 are huge right now.  Probably the biggest one I'm focusing on is step 2 and 3 in that God can restore me to sanity if I can surrender my fears, obsessions, etc. to him.  One day at a time, hey? 

I think what this triggers so much is that she (at one point in time) was there for me through anything.  And she pledged, vowed, promised, etc. that she would never leave me and would always have my back.  So I guess I feel a real sense of betrayal.  And also I feel ashamed that I allowed this to happen to myself.

[Tobiasfunke]

That person is not worth it. We have all been there. You have dodged a bullet. You are out of a situation that would have undoubtedly continued to spiral down. You will come out on top with a life you would have never been able to achieve with the antics of a pwBPD. Oh the hi-jinx. Go be great with someone who will appreciate all you are.

[bdyw8]

Thanks tobiasfunke, like the reference to arrested development!  I know I deserve better so it's crazy how i get so wrapped up in her.  I guess I do have faith that one day I will look back with gratitude that it ended.  I guess I should be grateful now too, because the way things were going, I was headed to the psych ward and that was probably the optimistic outlook!

[thisworld]

It's so OK to be frustrated and you are still making good progress after the second round. These are not easy things but awareness about the disorder helps a lot. It ruins this addiction for us. It really does. Just a bit of patience and that HALT thing. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired, please do not do anything in regard to her (maybe you can just say HALT and stick to that if you run into her or look down her street?). The more we don't do, the stronger we get I think. My friend and I were joking the other day - no more kisses for me from this ex. The only kiss I'm allowed to get is a slogan (Keep it simple stupid) I repeat that when I think about anything close to a kiss. With my ex, it cannot be kept simple. If I have the feelings, I accept them, OK, I just don't act out. No kiss and halt. I blindly obey, to the best of my power. My obsessions are my obsessions. I'll not act out. Plus, yes, there is the addiction metaphor but we can also think of OCD. For instance, there is suicide thought in OCD but OCDer don't act on that. There is not a rule like if you obsess, you'll inevitably act out. This thought doesn't stop obsession but at least I feel safer. Sometimes we think in terms of addiction or other things, because that's the closest experience we know, but it's not necessarily the only connection between our feelings and the situation. We resemble this sickness to the other sickness we know, but only because we know that one.

Have you ever done Step 1 in Paths to Recovery of Anon? Do you have those questions in your books? I find them very helpful.

1. Do I accept that I cannot change another person's drinking? Another person's behavior?

2. How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

3. Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?

4. How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?

5. What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?

6. How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

7. What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?

8. How can I let go of others' problems instead of trying to solve them?

9. Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

10. In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

11. In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else's behavior?

12. What brought me into Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?

13. Who has expressed concern about my behavior? Give examples.

14. How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

15. How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?

16. Do I say "yes" when I mean to say "no"? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?

17. Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?

18. How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the the midst of a crisis?

19. How well do I take care of myself?

20. How do I feel when I am alone?

21. What is the difference between pity and love?

22. Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?

23. Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?

I once just changed the alcoholic to BPD and worked them. It helped me understand my situation. I think Al-Anon feels very relevant sometimes.

And there is the awareness forum where we would get help for this shame and betrayal, focusing on ourselves. I have exactly the same feelings.

If you could have one small but relaxing activity or a little luxury only for yourself, like a little gift to yourself, what would that be?

best,

[bdyw8]

Wow, that is such an amazing post, thisworld, thank you so much.  We obviously speak the same language of recovery!  The topic of the meeting I was at yesterday was KISS. haha.

I love those questions.  I have been to a couple Al-anon meetings and some CODA meetings as well but perhaps I should start adding some al-anon into my weekly meeting schedule.  Are those questions from one of the al-anon literature?  I have one book from al-anon but it's not that one.  Perhaps I should get it.  Those questions are exactly what I need to be exploring for myself right now.

I guess my only gifts to myself lately have been sitting up in my room which is like safe place.  With no chaos.  Of course I've been going to work and such, but aside from that, I've only really felt safe at home.  I should try to start venturing out again.  I avoid her street at all cost and I'm certainly not looking out for her anywhere.  I know that by spring things will get better when I can start being out in nature again on my bike.  Thanks so much for your support, I truly appreciate it!   

[thisworld]

Hi bdwg8,

I'm happy that you sound better today (maybe it's the same day there, there might be some time difference)

Yes, Paths to Recovery is an Al-Anon book and I returned to it years later because of this relationship experience. (I rarely go to Anon meetings now, usually I'm a visitor from another city, but the feeling will always be there. Al-Anon and cleaning the tea pot helped me more than everything else at a very difficult time in my life:)) My sponsor was a recovering alcoholic and addict as well as Al-Anonic so I had a chance to see how certain patterns are similar in all groups. Very similar:)) KC Sunshine here started a 12 step thread in the awareness forum and I went and found my book. I find it so relevant now, almost a decade later, in another context. I'm also grateful that some parts of my recovery from that time has stuck with me so detachment is relatively easier. (You can find the questions online sometimes if you search for the name of the book and the step.) Probably that will be like this for you, too. You have a tremendous amount of strength under your belt. Even if it's a new recovery it will never be as a novice. We have grown wiser and that's out of our control, too:))

If you like you can share your responses here and we can exchange opinions on those. So we both learn new ways of making our lives more unmanageable ha ha:))  

Sitting at home safely and having no chaos is great I think. We recognize how important it is when we lose it. What do you think you can do to make it a more enriching and fun experience until the spring? Nothing about self-improvement, just some fun - even if solitary. Maybe a new domestic hobby? We all need a bit of dull fun:)) And yes, I know about cycling. I'm a fan myself- cycling at night especially. I sometimes dress warm and go out cycling at night. Even 15 minutes is very relaxing. Do you think you would be able to do it? (How old are your children?) And it's also great that the job is there. That's some structural problem when that one gets affected.

Hey, thank you for being here, too. I read your gratefulness post every day and derive courage from it. We are here for each other.

Stay strong!