Post break up - Admitting that still addicted to this destructive relationship

[Helen8]

I broke up with my BPD partner in March of this year. Things were so terrible... .I knew that something was off since the beginning, in truth, but I still wanted it to work. It was my first same-sex relationship and it took a lot to be able to come out into the world... .We were "in love" for some time... realizing that it was the wrong person took me years to admit to myself.

Her rages and tantrums, moods and storminess were the thing that finally shook me up so badly that I had to end it... at the end she didn't hide the name-calling even from my kids and I knew I had to do something drastic to end it, as discussion and reasoning were not viable options, I realized. I felt so ashamed that I was setting this example for my kids and I had turned into someone that I didn't recognize any more. I was desperate for her to move out but she wouldn't agree to it. She had a plan to live at my house and collect the rent from her condo, to be able to afford a car, travel, etc... we had some very good times but that would turn on a dime and within seconds things would turn from good to dire and I started to dread the weekends as I'd never know would mood she'd be in... I grew afraid of her.

The split up was very drastic and I removed everything of hers from my house as soon as I had a chance, over the course of 2 days while she was out of town. I moved them to her condo which was just vacated by her tenants. One would think that that was reasonable, but according to her I ruined her life and "left her with nothing". I felt awful doing this forcefully but I knew that I was going to be left with a terrible situation if it didn't happen this way. The idea of having her back in the house with the kids witnessing the inevitable atrocities was just not an option!

A period of no contact followed for about 3 months. I let myself take her messages after this time and was surprised at how reasonable she sounded, and even socialized with her occasionally if she was there at other friends' gatherings... .then it all got crazy again, which I shouldn't have been so surprised by, but I had let myself get embroiled again and suddenly one night I realized that the only way forward should be no contact again.

This worked for about a month when I received a xmas card from her last week and suddenly was flooded with guilt and feelings of warmth towards her again. Stupidly I met up with her again yesterday ... .during the course of the evening I convinced myself that we could be friends and it felt like 2 old kindred spirits connecting again. I can't believe I even apologized for not being in touch, etc... .Then the conversation turned south and the evening deteriorated and ended with the usual scene of my dropping her off at her place with her crying and screaming at me in the parking lot... .now I feel I've stirred things up negatively for both of us and it would have been kinder to her to just keep up that no contact, and a lot healthier for me. I have to face my addiction to this person and get through this, for my sake and the sake of my kids. Her insistence that I somehow "owe her" and "should feel guilty for what I've done" is sometimes all I can think about... . 

[movingon123]

Hello!

You owe this person absolutely nothing.

You owe yourself and your kids safety, health, and stability.

It is beyond painful - I know in myself I would take up with my exBPD again in a heartbeat, despite how unhealthy it is. Have you tried going NC? That is where I am, and though it was initiated by my ex, it has been very helpful.

[Helen8]

Thank you so much for your post and for reminding me of what is important.

I did try NC twice... .this will be the 3rd and last time starting from today.

I wish you all the best too.

[NCEA]

That's OK, don't feel too bad, you'll know what to do with the next Xmas card. You did the right thing ending it, don't over think it. Just know that it takes time to heal and that's that, nothing else to do or say really.

[Helen8]

Thanks NCEA. Made me chuckle re the Xmas card.

[Lonely_Astro]

I liken my r/s with Jane as heroin mixed with nitroglycerin.  I know it's bad for me and it's going to blow up any moment, the more I push away from it the more I want it.

That, like all addictions, will pass in time for me.  Seeing and talking to her today has been the first time that I've not really felt anything for her.  I see her for who she really is, not who I thought she was (which is what made me so addicted to start with).

Time and distance is the key.

[Helen8]

Thanks Astro

Good to know there are many out there that have gone through it... .an ongoing challenge.

Must have been a relief to not really feel anything for her...

It still all feels so fresh for me and will have to distance myself from her again.

[Lonely_Astro]

Thanks Astro

Good to know there are many out there that have gone through it... .an ongoing challenge.

Must have been a relief to not really feel anything for her...

It still all feels so fresh for me and will have to distance myself from her again.

It was empowering to stand up to her and bluntly tell her what I was feeling and not really care how she felt about it.  There are moments I miss her, sure.  But I also know how unhealthy a r/s with her really is.  I projected 5 years down the road in my head and imagined how beat, broken, used, and destroyed I would be if I stuck around her.  I'm not a spring chicken, life's to short.  As the meme goes: "ain't nobody got time for that."

[Helen8]

The holidays always bring stuff up. I'd been feeling blue as I missed her.

Then I went through my phone calendar and looked at our activities this time last year. It was a good exercise as every day that I looked at I remembered for 75% of it there'd been some kind of outburst or scene... .storming out of the room over the fact that my 13-year old son didn't look at her during our charades game, furious over me "taking over" when we had friends over (she had sat on the couch and didn't lift a finger), snarky over this that or the other - just a terrible strain not knowing when I could relax or not... .she pretty much had me wrapped around her finger and I allowed her to control my mood with hers. That had to stop, big-time.