How to be supportive during depressive periods?

[EaglesJuju]

My boyfriend has been really depressed lately. His work and the holidays seem to be really affecting his "usual cycle of depression."  He is not the greatest at communicating or expressing his feelings.

He was describing the way he handles his depression to me yesterday, and told me that he gets very hypersensitive to pretty much everything and the only thing he knows how to do is isolate or shut down completely. I knew it that already, but it was good that he was telling me that. He made a point to tell me his main New Years resolution is to work on his communication because I can't be expected to know what he is feeling if he does not tell me. I was elated hearing that because the expectation for me to be have telepathy drives me bananas.

I was very pleased that he realizes that is something that he needs to work on. I validated him and asked him how I can support him while he was working through his depression.  He told me, "EaglesJuju, physical touch really helps me when I am feeling like this. When I shut down all I want is a hug." It is awesome that he was so direct, but giving him a hug when he gets upset is pretty difficult considering we are currently so far away from each other.  

I am unsure of how to support him when he is going through his depressive periods. He needs change often, sometimes he will prod for advice, other times he wants to be validated. Then other times he wants space. I know that giving him a hug has helped in the past when we were together, but I currently am unable to do that. I would appreciate any ideas or suggestions. 

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[formflier]

 So, is this a LDR?  How long until you can give him a real hug?  My wife has "touch" as a love language.  Works wonders when I can give her a long hug.  Do phone hugs work or does that just focus him more on the fact that you aren't there.  Basically, a phone hug is asking him to imagine you giving him a big "real hug" and how good it feels.    

FF

[Chilibean13]

Can you do silly romantic things for him, such as take a pic of yourself with your arms open and send it via text saying, "I'm giving you a big hug right now."? Maybe you can share with him how you feel unable to help him since you are not physically there to touch him. Then ask, what can you can do from a distance. He knows what he needs and perhaps when you talk to him on the phone, just ask what he needs for that moment. Say "I want to support you. Since I'm not there with you right now, how can I help from far away?"

[EaglesJuju]

So, is this a LDR?  How long until you can give him a real hug?

Yes, unfortunately it is currently a LDR. It was not always one though. Hopefully it is not going to be one for much longer. I am seeing him within a month. I am pretty nervous about the visit.

My wife has "touch" as a love language.  Works wonders when I can give her a long hug.

One of his love languages is touch as well. It has worked for me in the past too.

Do phone hugs work or does that just focus him more on the fact that you aren't there.

Basically, a phone hug is asking him to imagine you giving him a big "real hug" and how good it feels.

I have tried a variation of a phone hug by literally hugging my computer when we Skype. Sometimes he responds well to it and other times it can make him sad. He has a lot of shame and guilt for leaving in the first place. 

Maybe you can share with him how you feel unable to help him since you are not physically there to touch him. Then ask, what can you can do from a distance. He knows what he needs and perhaps when you talk to him on the phone, just ask what he needs for that moment. Say "I want to support you. Since I'm not there with you right now, how can I help from far away?"

It can be tricky for me to bring up my feelings of not knowing how to support him from afar. He is an avoidant type who suppresses and shuts down. 

We had a conversation about it last night. I validated his feelings of being depressed and asked him what is the best way to support him.  He said that it was hard for him to talk  or reach out to anyone when he is feeing depressed and it is nothing I have done.  Then he diverted the conversation to me and my issues.