Fear of being Abandoned-how to go out for some days without upsetting BPD spouse

[cindrella]

I have been reading a lot m many year back bpdfamily.com came to my rescue. I kept on staying with my BPD husband. But lately things are messing up again. I need BPD.com again to help me out. I have learnt about mindfulness, validation. Etc. It has helped me to take care of myself and my daughter. But I still want to learn how to make BPD husband understand that I need to go to my mothers place as she isn't well. She needs me. I want to be with her for few days. I am afraid of asking him for permission. Or directly inform him that I am going for 5 days. I know he will explode whatever reason I give.

I was perplexed in the beginning of the marriage. He would explode , say bad things, sven if u have to go to a doc... .he would say why did I marry him when I had so many diseases. And the disease for which I need to go to a doc was cold and cough or some times stomach upset or uti. These problems normal everyone has it why so much fuss. I don't go shopping. Most of my needs are taken care of by my brother. My brother gives my phone n internet bills for past 8 years and other things also.  This site knows exactly what I am going through. Help me please.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Welcome back Cindrella

Tiptoeing on eggshells trying to find a non conflictual way around issues is hard, and as you experience, often futile. Many folks here have started in much the same predicament as yourself, it is confidence sapping

The answer requires self confidence and commitment. The core of it is having boundaries around your rights.

Simply put, you will have to stop trying to reason with him in an attempt to avoid conflict. It needs to be stated simply and acted upon. ie You will need to find the  strength to say I need to see my Mum , I will be gone for X time, then I will be back. Then do it regardless of any raging that occurs as a consequence.

I had to weather self harm in the means of cutting and overdosing, along with trashing the house, to get past this. At the end of the day you need to demonstrate that you are willing to go, and that you can be trusted to be back when you say, and nothing bad will happen to him. It may take many many times for this to sink home. But trying to debate it will get you nowhere