Managing aging dependent mother

[azurenne]

Hello, I'm writing to you all today to ask how one manages to care for an aging parent while attempting to make their own way in the world. My mother is a very difficult person, to the outside world ( I live in a small community) she's a eccentric, artistic charming older lady. She's 67 but acts either like a lost, little girl or as if she's a crippled 100 year old. Currently, my siblings and I support her completely. She has never really worked outside the home, and since my parents divorce and my father's death, she has basically lived off the kindness or resources of others. I am 38 with no partner or children, and have a very limited income. I am currently feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted as it has been years of us supporting her, with no end in sight. Not to mention, she stands in the way of any effort you put in to improve her situation. I.e., she has to oversee the home repairs to meet her specifications, she's endlessly demanding and oblivious to other people's feelings. Its like being near an energy vampire. Needless to say, between managing her life, including driving her around, buying her food, fixing the food, paying for all her expenses etc, I feel like I have little time to access or act  on my life. And yet, she is able bodied and doesn't lift a finger. From what I can gather, she watches conspiracy videos all day, self isolates and smokes pot. Meanwhile, my brother is working tirelessly to fix the house she is living in. I don't really see and end in sight or any way to change the situation- when she went to therapy she basically conned the therapist and ended up inviting him to social functions. Yes, the charming lady that is so endearing until you know her. I love her but I'm really at my wit's end and it doesn't seem like there is anyone who is able to help. Everyone says she should be on disability but she fails to accept she has an issue. Its so exhausting. Maybe this is more of a rant, sorry for that.

[Suzn]

Hello azurenne 

It sounds like you have a full plate with your mom. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with having time for your own life.   Many members here are dealing with aging parents and know exactly what you've been up against.

Finding time for our lives is important, it helps us to recharge. Your mother has reached full retirement age and should be eligible for social security. Have you and your siblings considered discussing a plan for your mother's future?

[azurenne]

unfortunately, there is no social security for her ( besides her children,lol). She's spent her life relying on the kindness of others... .To date, we have just talked about putting her house in a trust- though the topic hasn't been well received yet. I realise that there is no sense of fairness, consideration or compromise with her.Unfortunately, she keeps saying how we "owe her" for everyting which is ironic since we basically raised ourselves.

[losthero]

Please check out social security again. If you live in the united states. She didnt have to necessarily work. If she was married to her husband at least 10 years she may be entitled to his, also she may be eligible for the indigent benefits and medicare she she did not work or worked very little. Given her age she may be eligible for soc sec disability. Because she has not worked she will not need much wrong with her healthwise to qualify given her age. The extra money she may be entitled to could give you some financial relief and money for a hobby or entertainment. You deserve it.