Validation and narcissism

[thisworld]

Hi,

My ex partner, with whom I have to communicate in a civil manner to a degree, sometimes brings up old issues. I validate his feelings and he responds well to validation. Initially. But then in a matter of minutes he becomes sarcastic, not about the validation but about some characteristics he attributes to me in regard to those issues. Really hurtful mocking comments that feel narcissistic to me - but the label is not important. So far I haven't responded and just tried to carry on with a positive note. However, I'm afraid that this may be a dynamic and escalate. I feel that trying to describe him how I feel would be fruitless, he always turns very dismissive and rude. Why does validation result in this? How can I improve this aspect of our communication or what you advise?   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Do you think maybe he feels it as a little patronizing, and hence making you look somehow self righteous, so it triggers the tall poppy put downs in him.

Validation can sometimes do that when it is too obvious.

[thisworld]

Waverider I see what you mean, maybe like being validating but exuding an authority of a "knowing" person even if positive. Actually, I find that somehow, indirectly invalidating when that is done to me- probably because I sense a lack of empathy in it. I can also see instances where people may perceive me like that. Still, I don't think this was the case this time.

He decided to move to near where I live - a small seaside town- and wanted to become friends with me (possible for me, from a safe distance). In a matter of 2 minutes of message bombing, this then turned into living with me (he was just stating these, this will not happen) where he designed for himself what he called a closer friends with benefits situation (he coined a term for it) in which he actually, unknowingly described foundations of a healthy intimate relationship and then felt so excited that he actually wanted to restart our relationship - co-habiting monogamy. This was our new friendship! (I think this is happening because he had a very difficult dysregulation with his mother and was trying to fill an emptiness after that or trying to run away from it).

I'm actually trying to do a softer gray rock with him by the way. He has an entrenched heroin addict of twenty years (albeit not always active) and self - medicates abusing prescription drugs. When this combines with BPD dysregulations, results are suicidal. He is dysfunctional right now and lives with his mother who needs serious help herself. She seems to have had a very difficult co-dependent life but her reactions to her son now seem to me very BPD (swinging from one extreme to the other, maybe because of helplessness and then guilt, I don't know). I communicated with him beyond my usual limits because he reached out to me after a big big crisis at home, very pained and I believe was genuine. He and I can communicate about this inner pain (for right or wrong reasons, but at least we can.) Unfortunately, it was like one foot in the door (I'm very sorry for describing it like this indeed). Then he started bringing up our old issues - contacting an ex telling her about a dream he had about the two of them going to a hotel, me holding him accountable for this, he dysregulating, becoming violent, breaking stuff at home and some physical confrontation - trying to grab me, blocking my way etc. Then dumping me and overdosing. In all this, I know he feels very bad for breaking my laptop - he didn't mention any regrets or sorrow about anything else.

So, he brought up how I was unnecessarily jealous (he almost wants me to be a jealous person, the less jealous I am the more I get provoked), how this woman was his obsession, how he had a psychotic experience when sending that email etc. I tried to validate him assuring that I knew his values - loyalty though we understand completely different things from this and of course I didn't mention this- and that maybe he was frustrated because felt I didn't trust what he says. He agreed and agreed. I also said I knew that he was trying in our relationship - he has a long history of turbulent relationship- and maybe it felt like I erased all of his efforts at once. He agreed and agreed. I also mentioned how difficult it may be to be made responsible for something one doesn't even remember. He agreed and agreed. I said I was also thinking about my actions, making my own self-criticism with what I hear from him. I voiced what I felt I could have done differently. I apologized for not realizing how much pain these things caused him. I said all these genuinely, full-heartedly actually.

And then he became very happy like a child, and then started making jokes including our common friends (even males) and whether I would react to their friendships jealously. I got annoyed but when I have a negative feeling like that I make a point of not reacting and online communication gave me an advantage. So, I just let this slide. So, what to do about this?

And a new development, more important for me, so your advice would be great. Now that we are friends he says he wants to come and do drugs next to me (this is because he thought I was a persecutor in this regard- which I wasn't, my boundaries were only and only about me and didn't include tough love- and I told him about my needs and limitations when living with him and that outside relationships, people's drug habits is not something I choose to pass judgment on).

I'm afraid of his volatility, I feel like I'm under this emotional blackmail, I want to go back to complete gray rock again (but how to turn it back to that?), I'm afraid that he will black me and sabotage me bad (I have contacted my workplace without giving his name of course, and I'm planning to contact some more people today - not friends, I don't mind a smear campaign in friend circles, etc. I would very happily be the "sick" woman, which I am already, probably).

I'll appreciate your comments.

And sorry for the lengthy mail.