Still struggling with BPD brother

[Depression = 72% of members]

  my brother exhibits many behaviors that have led me to believe he is BPD. After painting me black and cutting contact with me because I had to return to work and could not babysit his child under his conditions ( I actually offered to schedule my work hours so I could babysit but stipulated that I watch baby in my home so I could things done - which he said no to because he said I would "ignore" or "forget" my niece! And then told me that I " did not need to work"! btw I babysat for free for him for 3 months while laid off- he never did anything kind in return, never offered dinner and yet afterward his wife and he accused me of not attempting to "bond" with them!)   I tried to get him to join me in family therapy which caused him to scream "I'm not crazy!" on his front lawn in front of neighbors and family. I stopped trying to maintain any contact after I saw how aggressive he was and feared he was going to physically atrack me 5 years ago (btw he used to physically attack me when I was a kid but stopped after I was 11 and he was 16 and I told him to leave me alone and kicked him hard in thr crotch when he didn't).  So he disowned not just me but our mother as well when my niece was 6 months old. Mom called him at the time and said that what he was doing would hurt his child. He responded that no, he was hurting us! So 7 years later he sends a letter to my mom wanting her to meet her granddaughter... no apology, no regrets... .just saying she asked about her grandmother and a request to meet with her. Mom is and has been quite frightened of him and fears he is just trying to charm her in so he can just hurt her again. So she never responded. And so now she gets a personalized Christmas card from them for the past 2 years... .btw we have run across him out by himself while shopping. He runs off as soon as he spots us. To me, I am glad & heartsick to see his childrens faces. I miss not having my nieces in my life. But mom and I have a peace we have never known before without him around... .something only people who have been abused could possibly understand. At times I miss him... .But it was like he was two diffrent people... .I never knew who he would be in any moment. Out of the blue a cloud passed over his eyes and he became a raging lunatic.For a long time just the idea of being around him would trigger a panuc attack. Mom believes the cards are an attempt to hurt us... .b/c a true desire to connect would be to call and actually communicate. I think responding would encourage charming. I have decided that if he ever wants a relationship that the only way I will feel safe is if we are in a therapists  office. I am just thankful for boards like this that have helped me understand how to set healthy boundaries for myself and not tolerate abuse and manipulation. If you are here, know that you are not alone. I have learned to not be embarrassed about what happened to me. Also to listen to my intuition. Trust your feelings. Namaste fellow nons.

[NamasteArtemis]

  my brother exhibits many behaviors that have led me to believe he is BPD. After painting me black and cutting contact with me because I had to return to work and could not babysit his child under his conditions ( I actually offered to schedule my work hours so I could babysit but stipulated that I watch baby in my home so I could things done - which he said no to because he said I would "ignore" or "forget" my niece! And then told me that I " did not need to work"! btw I babysat for free for him for 3 months while laid off- he never did anything kind in return, never offered dinner and yet afterward his wife and he accused me of not attempting to "bond" with them!)   I tried to get him to join me in family therapy which caused him to scream "I'm not crazy!" on his front lawn in front of neighbors and family. I stopped trying to maintain any contact after I saw how aggressive he was and feared he was going to physically atrack me 5 years ago (btw he used to physically attack me when I was a kid but stopped after I was 11 and he was 16 and I told him to leave me alone and kicked him hard in thr crotch when he didn't).  So he disowned not just me but our mother as well when my niece was 6 months old. Mom called him at the time and said that what he was doing would hurt his child. He responded that no, he was hurting us! So 7 years later he sends a letter to my mom wanting her to meet her granddaughter... no apology, no regrets... .just saying she asked about her grandmother and a request to meet with her. Mom is and has been quite frightened of him and fears he is just trying to charm her in so he can just hurt her again. So she never responded. And so now she gets a personalized Christmas card from them for the past 2 years... .btw we have run across him out by himself while shopping. He runs off as soon as he spots us. To me, I am glad & heartsick to see his childrens faces. I miss not having my nieces in my life. But mom and I have a peace we have never known before without him around... .something only people who have been abused could possibly understand. At times I miss him... .But it was like he was two diffrent people... .I never knew who he would be in any moment. Out of the blue a cloud passed over his eyes and he became a raging lunatic.For a long time just the idea of being around him would trigger a panuc attack. Mom believes the cards are an attempt to hurt us... .b/c a true desire to connect would be to call and actually communicate. I think responding would encourage charming. I have decided that if he ever wants a relationship that the only way I will feel safe is if we are in a therapists  office. I am just thankful for boards like this that have helped me understand how to set healthy boundaries for myself and not tolerate abuse and manipulation. If you are here, know that you are not alone. I have learned to not be embarrassed about what happened to me. Also to listen to my intuition. Trust your feelings. Namaste fellow nons.

[HappyChappy]

Hi NamasteArtemis

A tough relationship to weather. Sounds like your bro  could benefit from some anger management lessons. My NPD bro was told to attend or lose his job – he changed jobs.

Your brother’s behaviour sound well out of order. Some people are best avoided, sad when those people are related to us. Keeping the relationship on your terms sounds sensible, even if he may never meet those terms. For what it's worth, I will be NC with my bro forever. He's done terrible things out of jealously. Just can't risk exposing my kids to all that (dangerous) nonsense.

What provoked you to post ? Keep safe and Happy Festive Season.  

[GeekyGirl]

Hi NamasteArtemis,

It's not wrong to trust your intuition, especially when you're concerned for your personal safety. If your brother has a history of being aggressive (especially physically), it makes sense that you'd not want to meet up with him in private.

I can understand how you'd feel like you're missing out on a relationship with your nieces. That is hard. At the same time, it sounds like having some distance from your brother is giving you the space that you need right now. What else are you doing to take care of yourself?

Namaste. 

[NamasteArtemis]

Thanks HappyChappy & GeekyGirl - 

I was rattled when I turned around to find him walking behind me at a store last week... .despite having a better understanding and boundaries I still feel an instictive fear of being around him. And then mom got her card from him on Saturday. Bro was always good at pushing buttons to get a reaction. I have learned to control my reactions... .but it still hurts!

After posting and reading for almost a year helped me deal with the toxic aftermath of tolerating years of his manipulations and abuse. I  became a yoga teacher and find that keeping a personal practice and doing regular meditation and practicing mindfulness has helped immensely.I recently underwent MBSR training and go on one day  silent retreats when I can.

Humans are the only animals who do not usually listen to their instincts... .I have found that instinct is as important as logic when dealing with difficult people. But it doesn't mend the all the hurt caused and the time lost that can never be reclaimed.

[maryy16]

Your brother sounds a lot like my brother! I  just recently broke off all contact with him after 45+ years of dealing with his manipulative, aggressive, and raging behavior.

For the past few years I have had limited contact with him (about once a year). He only lives 3 miles from me, and in years past I tried to try to have a normal "brother-sister" relationship with him, but it always ended badly.

About 3 months ago, of the blue, he called and asked if I could take him to go pick his car up from the repair shop. I work from home and was in the middle of a project with a deadline, so I could not take the time out to take him. but even if I did have the time, I would have still said "No" because I had already decided that I was NOT going to have that type of relationship with him. And of course he had to pick up his car "as soon as possible" which is typical of him. Everything has to be done on his schedule. If not, raging occurs.

Anyway, I told him my situation and surprisingly he said "I understand. Thanks anyway." BUT, then 5 minutes later he called back. I didn't answer. He left a voice mail saying that "Your reason for not taking me isn't good enough." And "you could have done it if you wanted to.", "You aren't doing anything with a deadline"  "I don't know what your problem is.", etc. While this incident is very mild compared to the things he's done in the past, I just had had enough. I blocked his and his wife's numbers, blocked their emails and Facebooks.

I'm sure at some point in time I will run into him again, but for now, I feel so much calmer knowing that he cannot contact me. I always let his calls go to voicemail, but just seeing his number come up would cause my heart to race and panic to set in knowing that there was about to be trouble.

[kim peter]

Hi Namaste/Artemis

It seems your body is telling you that you are on the right track, if you experience panic at the thought of contact with your brother, combined with his history of aggression, unreasonable expectations and taking you for granted, then NC might be best.

For me, my brother was the one who pushed for family therapy (there's only him and me left from our family of six) and I agreed, although I asked he had one or two sessions first to deal with his volatile anger. He refused - saying in what I came to call his 'Exorcist voice', 'So you think I'm mad'. Sound familiar? I was actually really proud of him because I knew going to a counsellor would be way out of his comfort zone. Sure enough, he rang me the day before our session to demand that I tell him everything I was going to bring up and to tell me that it was going to be really hard for me because I was going to have to justify everything I had done. The counsellor had to stop my brother halfway through the session to point out I had not had a chance to contribute. It ended with the counsellor asking to see my brother again, alone, saying that he found the way he communicated with me to be offensive, aggressive and violent and our relationship could not be healed unless he changed the way he communicated. My brother agreed and even made an appointment on the way out. However, by the time we got to my car he was saying the counsellor was grossly incompetent and he was going to report him to the appropriate Registration body. That was my lightbulb moment. I did not count, our relationship did not count. He was more concerned that he had been called out on his behaviour.

[NamasteArtemis]

When I first started reading the posts of nonsiblings I was absolutely astounded at how similar many of our experiences can be! It was a shock that other people could be going through the same bizarre situations. Writting what I experienced made me realize how absurd it all was... .all this crazymaking!

Kim- Yes! It is amazing your bro wanted therapy... .sounds pretty npd for sure... .did he actually think the therapist would take his side? Wow. it sounds so familiar... .bro can control himself enough to act polite and reasonable... .then they revert... .I actually don't know who my brother truely is... .what is the act? What about him is real? Some of my earliest memories of my brother was how he almost seemed possessed... .one minute he was happy, and then (snap) he would attack for no visible or logical reason... .of course he would tell me it was my fault! My lightbulb moment was when my mom told me " he likes to see you cry" & realized she was right. The lightning bolt was the last day I babysat and he raged at me yelling at the top of his lungs and I observed how my 6 month old niece sat like nothing was wrong, never looking at him & studying her toes. The guilt I feel not being there for them! Ugh.

Mary- Again so familiar! My bro and I actually had many good times together always studded with his outbursts and cruelty. For a long time I tolerated it, despite him being 5 years older I just felt he was immature. It gets harder to make excuses for them when they are 40 and acting like they are 2 and the world revolves aroind them. My bro is less then 2 miles from me! He also used to call me constantly to give him rides because his cars were always breaking down. I rarely said no, & anytime he was mad because he felt I didn't love him enough, I would remind him how I was always there to help him. He would scream at me "you only do that to make me feel BAD!" or he would accuse me of "keeping track" of favors to "use against him"... .as if he ever did anything to help me or keep a promise? I can count on one hand the nice things he has done for me.

I am thankful bro is high functioning and can be hardworking. I am thankful he is not suicidal. I am thankful he knows we have boundries for that is what keeps him away... .now that I am totally evil in his eyes. I am thankful I got help and thankful to have people who understand that this behavior is not something that changes with just understanding, time and love. If ONLY!