Update on holiday visit to family

[LilMe]

Last Friday uBPDh wanted to talk about holiday activities so he had a handle on what was going on (concerts, recitals, church, etc).  When we got to Tuesday on the calendar I told him I planned to go with the children to see my family.  He didn't say much and we continued and finished discussing the schedule.

After we were finished, I asked him a question about something unrelated and he dysregulated.  Something totally benign!  He was awful to me and the children until Sun. night.  Then he was back to good (actually better than he has been for months!).

Sounds all good, right?  Today is the big day to go and 9" of rain later THE INTERSTATE IS CLOSED.  Ugh.  Won't open until after the visit was to end.  My grown children and family work and have lives and will not be able to come now.  I am so disappointed!  Because of uBPDh I only get to see some of them this one time each year and it is not easy to get 9 children plus other family members together on the same day.

Thanks for listening  :'(

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi LilMe,

I am sorry that you are having such a disappointing holiday season.   

I can imagine how frustrating it must be to have the weather get in the way of seeing your family.  Why does your husband prevent you from seeing your family?

[LilMe]

Thanks, Eaglejuju.  Short version - my family called my uBPDh out on his drinking and physical and verbal abuse of me and he hates them now (they do not like him either).  He claims that our (his and my) children should never be around my other children and family.

I am stuck in the middle  :'(  Of course, it is a long, complicated story, but I cannot legally leave and am staying so our young children have minimal time alone with him.  In many ways he is a great father, but the dysregulation is not something a young child should have to deal with alone.

Thanks again!  I hope you are having good, calm holidays so far 

[EaglesJuju]

Thanks, Eaglejuju.  Short version - my family called my uBPDh out on his drinking and physical and verbal abuse of me and he hates them now (they do not like him either).  He claims that our (his and my) children should never be around my other children and family.

I am stuck in the middle  :'(  Of course, it is a long, complicated story, but I cannot legally leave and am staying so our young children have minimal time alone with him.  In many ways he is a great father, but the dysregulation is not something a young child should have to deal with alone.

Thanks again!  I hope you are having good, calm holidays so far 

I can imagine how difficult it must be to be in the middle. I wager it must feel be upsetting. Do you think there is a possibility for reconciliation on both their ends?

I understand how you would want to protect your children from dysregulation. It was tough for me to understand when my mother dysregulated. Has he ever dysregulated in front of the children?

[LilMe]

I don't see a reconciliation happening. My family has tried and he was rude and verbally abusive to them. He takes no responsibility for anything that happened and it was mostly all due to his bad behaviors.

Unfortunately he dysregulates often with the children and also me in front of them. Most times I can deflect it off of them and calm him by validating or us temporarily leaving, but they have had to endure it their whole life. I hate that more than anything. I grew up with a father like that and it has taken me 40+ years to understand and start recovering. At least I can help them deal with their emotions some. My mom was mentally unstable and not available so it was really bad for me.

Thanks again Eaglesjuju!

[EaglesJuju]

I don't see a reconciliation happening. My family has tried and he was rude and verbally abusive to them. He takes no responsibility for anything that happened and it was mostly all due to his bad behaviors.

That is so unfortunate. I wager he felt really defensive when your family was trying to reconcile?

Unfortunately he dysregulates often with the children and also me in front of them. Most times I can deflect it off of them and calm him by validating or us temporarily leaving, but they have had to endure it their whole life. I hate that more than anything. I grew up with a father like that and it has taken me 40+ years to understand and start recovering. At least I can help them deal with their emotions some. My mom was mentally unstable and not available so it was really bad for me.

It is completely understandable for you to want to protect your children from dysregulation especially since you endured it yourself. What type of behavior accompanies the dysregulation?

[sweetheart]

LilMe, hi 

I know you will have explained things before, but what do you mean by not 'legally being able to leave' ?

What ages are the children exposed to your husbands dysregulations ? 

[LilMe]

I moved out for a while and he hired a local lawyer (now a judge) and served me with a parenting plan.  I could not afford a lawyer to defend myself, so signed off on it.  It gave us 50/50 custody.  If I move out, I have to leave the children with him alternating Mondays and Tue-Thurs. every week.  I came back when I found I was pregnant (he had a parenting plan ready with the baby added) and the children were not doing well spending that much time alone with him.  The children are now 1, 7, and 8.

[sweetheart]

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/emotional-abuse/emotional-abuse-signs-symptoms-effects/

Hi LilMe above is a link about impact on children of parental emotional abuse. It can be direct or indirect exposure. The reason I have given you the link is that the effects from dysregulated behaviour can be more damaging when children experience it from the beginning of their lives.

I am wondering if you stay because you feel trapped by the parenting conditions or because you want to. What I know is that there are legal alternatives to the situation you and your children are in. Do you believe your situation is sustainable over the long term ?

I am wondering these things because you mention the negative effects for your children and I can hear that their welfare is important to you.

I am also wondering if in choosing to stay there are any organisations that could support you and your children. Are you children seeing a T or getting any additional emotional support, are you? If not it might be something you could start to consider factoring into all your lives.

[LilMe]

I have no money.  We are not legally married.  I worked with my local domestic violence shelter when I left, but they cannot help with legal matters.  They actually told me stories of similar situations where the women lost custody.  He is very smart, has money, connections, and is able to manipulate people and the system.  He has been 'investigated' by child services and manipulated his way right out of it.

I will read the article.  I read everything I can.  Hopefully we can make it until they are a little older and can make their own decisions on where they live.  In the mean time we are learning to validate and diffuse his anger when we can.