Really over?

[Issy]

Hi,

I've been friends with a BPD girl for a year then things went sour, we tried to reconcile, didn't work. So 6 months back she told me to have no contact anymore, I told her I was very sad about that and will do so (not contact her anymore, which I stood by) and if she felt ready I'm here. Six months later I'm still here waiting. In the meantime I took care of myself and felt a lot better. I think I was still a source of triggers for here and she couldn't go through that/face them anymore so she left, that's what I think.

What I want back is having compassion, love, understanding and empathy for each other again, well she for me. Is this realistic? Or is that really over?

And is it realistic to be friends again?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Issy]

The question is: when will I not be a trigger anymore?

[Issy]

I hear stories that sometimes it works when the person with BPD gets space for a year... .Is this idle hope?

[an0ught]

Hi Issy,

The question is: when will I not be a trigger anymore?

Never!

It is near impossible to avoid triggering a pwBPD and trying to avoid it by changing who you are or walking on eggshells leads eventually to a relationship that is spiraling down.

Living with a pwBPD is more about avoiding the wrong type of triggers (invalidation), focusing on staying emotionally balanced (validation) and grounded (S.E.T.). It is equally important to protect your values and who you are (boundaries) even if that can at times trigger. You certainly have read the LESSONS so you know this.

The question is: when will I not be a trigger anymore?

You both got into a relationship and it worked for a while. There is nothing wrong with you or is inherently triggering. She got a problem, over time when you got closer she lost her ability to regulate.

What I want back is having compassion, love, understanding and empathy for each other again, well she for me. Is this realistic? Or is that really over?

It is not uncommon for relationships to rebound and some of them work out. So if you start a new round with her what has changed on her side to make this a more successful round? What has changed on your side wrt. skills that makes it more likely to work?

[Issy]

Yes you are absolutely right, I know the LESSONS. And of course something I really came to realise lately is is that it is sometimes not about how to change but how do hou deal with it, that gives relieve to both parties I honestly believe.

What I want back is having compassion, love, understanding and empathy for each other again, well she for me. Is this realistic? Or is that really over?

It is not uncommon for relationships to rebound and some of them work out. So if you start a new round with her what has changed on her side to make this a more successful round? What has changed on your side wrt. skills that makes it more likely to work?

Yes good question. I know it for myself. I came to the conclusion, that I have a need for acceptance for my 'love' for her, things like giving a present or giving affection (while reconciling she couldn't accept it for she ignored it and then I felt rejected... .) So I told her if you are ready for that I am here.

She changed that she let me know how she feels and what she needs, I see that as a positive change in the right direction. But I guess she felt dissapointed in me, I was still a bit surprised she didn't reply my affection... There also was just miscommunication (like she said she needed space, I said thats ok, Im here, whereas she thanked me but then started to ask question (as almost starting a new conversation) so I aasumed the 'space-time' was over).

[Skip]

Can you tell us more about what happened?

How long were you together? Was it a committed relationship? What caused the problems before the breakup - wasn't there some extended period of "silent treatment".

To answer your short questions.  1. At year out, you may not be a trigger at all.  2. When a coupe has been apart for a year, that prior relationship is over.  Its possible to meet and start over, and that has happened in soome cases and not in others, but the old relationship is long gone, a lot has happened in the interim.

Tell us more.

[Issy]

Well first of all, we weren't a couple but friends.

And yes there was a long period of silent treatment, I was in a FOG, then when she finally said something a lot of projection and blaming, then reconciliation, meeting blow out because I couldn't agree with how she pictured me, after that I couldn't eat for days, then me seeing the bigger picture manages to make it clear for me and as well for her, so we mudded on with new understanding and 'rules', then the boundaries turned out to be not tweaked enough, me finding out I need mutual caring or at least an aknowledgement from her she appreciates it (or wants it). The 'best if no contact' message, etc.

And in the meantime she found a replacement (and a lot of distraction by looking for attention with a lot of strangers)

But thanks Skip for your answere's, it is probably hard to start over... Because I feel treated like someone she knows while I'm still on that 'intimate' level, that hurts me. But I'm glad she said she wasn't that close to anyone anymore.