Spoke to BPD-exgf, still not detached personally

[mrwigand]

Spoke to my dBPD-exgf today. It went perfectly fine. The last time we communicated she had messaged me at midnight asking if I had been uncomfortable running into her at a mutual friend's party. Truthfully, I had been and left the party somewhat prematurely, but I told her everything was cool and that I hoped things were good with her. She didn't really respond, which was fine, but it left things - at least in my mind - on a somewhat weird note.

We're both going to another mutual friend's New Year's Eve party, and we hadn't spoken since that last weird exchange, so I decided to reach out to her. Really, I did it to alleviate weirdness on my part, so that I wouldn't feel anxious going to the party having that previous, bizarre midnight exchange. It went well. I asked her how things were going for her, and she did the same. It was very friendly.

She told me she would be moving to South America in February for a job, and truthfully I was relieved. We're on good terms following our breakup, but for whatever reason communicating with her and running into her at mutual friends' parties and whatnot is hard for me and painful (the last time I ran into her, she was at a party with her new boyfriend, and admittedly I was uncomfortable). It sounds like a great opportunity, and I'm happy for her.

It's interesting... .It's been a while since we've broken up, and we're on very good terms (although the last time we spoke in depth I told her I still needed space before we could be friends or anything like that). That was like six months ago. And I'm doing really well personally and professionally right now, but I'm still not ready for our relationship to be anything more than what it is right now, which is cordial. It's just weird because I think most people would tell you I'm a very loving, compassionate, forgiving person. Usually the one who will apologize first, etc. I've completely forgiven her and asked for my forgiveness for things, but I still haven't detached from some of the pain I felt in that relationship, and clearly I'm not at the emotional point you need to be to pursue a friendship with an ex.

And I've been there before. I had really strong feelings for someone in past, and ultimately it wasn't going to work out. But she's a great person, and today we're great friends, and I'm even really good friends with her current serious boyfriend. I wonder why I can't there with my ex. Has anyone experienced this kind of disconnect? Is it because these relationships not only "don't just work out", but there's often manipulation, triangulation, unfair behavior, etc. I don't know, would love some persectives.

[once removed]

Has anyone experienced this kind of disconnect? Is it because these relationships not only "don't just work out", but there's often manipulation, triangulation, unfair behavior, etc. I don't know, would love some persectives.

sure. if you throw those things in the mix then theres a hesitance to trust that person, and rightfully so. there may be a hesitance to forgive that person, not rightfully or wrongfully so. its also been six months for you and personally i dont consider that an excessive amount of time to struggle with either. but i should emphasize the separateness of both forgiveness and trust. if you have your guard up with her, that doesnt make you unforgiving. youre on good terms. need it be more?

[mrwigand]

Has anyone experienced this kind of disconnect? Is it because these relationships not only "don't just work out", but there's often manipulation, triangulation, unfair behavior, etc. I don't know, would love some persectives.

sure. if you throw those things in the mix then theres a hesitance to trust that person, and rightfully so. there may be a hesitance to forgive that person, not rightfully or wrongfully so. its also been six months for you and personally i dont consider that an excessive amount of time to struggle with either. but i should emphasize the separateness of both forgiveness and trust. if you have your guard up with her, that doesnt make you unforgiving. youre on good terms. need it be more?

Thanks! I really appreciate the point of view. Keeps things in perspective.